A Joke

[Captain Oates 21]

[Josco 49]

I believe the Ipswich football match is cancelled this Saturday as a dyslexic serial killer has murdered all the substitutes.

[maryportfuncity 10,688]

Myra Hindley and a little boy are walking through the moors at night.

Little boy says to Myra "I'm scared! I hate the dark!"

Myra replies "How do you think I feel? I've got to walk back from here alone."

 

(apologise in advance if any one takes offence)

 

 

Back by public demand given its popularity on the Monkeys thread. Whatever happened to Amanda?

 

[um, stuff removed or summat. Great joke MPFC! - Bou]

[Windsor 2,235]

Myra Hindley and a little boy are walking through the moors at night.

Little boy says to Myra "I'm scared! I hate the dark!"

Myra replies "How do you think I feel? I've got to walk back from here alone."

 

(apologise in advance if any one takes offence)

 

 

Back by public demand given its popularity on the Monkeys thread. Whatever happened to Amanda?

 

She made the mistake of putting her house name down on her profile.

I paid her a little visit...

[maryportfuncity 10,688]

Speaking of killers and that;

 

A true story:

 

Dennis Nilsen's major mistake was to leave so many body parts close to home, in the drains and the rest where the wet conditions, bacteria and warm weather soon forced a huge stink on the area. The neighbours complained, an engineer was called, the truth was revealed all with DN out at work. By the time he came home that night a detective had broken into his flat and was ensconced in Nilsen's favourite chair waiting for the man.

 

'Who the f**k are you?' asked Nilsen.

 

'I've come about your drains,' he said.

 

Class, IMO. Even Nilsen - allegedly - had a wry smile for a second.

[BrunoBrimley 86]

Ladies & Gentlemen today i've been playing with my balls, well not my balls but the boys next door. Cos i hav'nt got any balls the dog chewed mine up years ago.

I agree that my comedy standard is quite low - but it could be worse as this so called joke shows.

[Windsor 2,235]

Speaking of killers and that;

 

A true story:

 

Dennis Nilsen's major mistake was to leave so many body parts close to home, in the drains and the rest where the wet conditions, bacteria and warm weather soon forced a huge stink on the area. The neighbours complained, an engineer was called, the truth was revealed all with DN out at work. By the time he came home that night a detective had broken into his flat and was ensconced in Nilsen's favourite chair waiting for the man.

 

'Who the f**k are you?' asked Nilsen.

 

'I've come about your drains,' he said.

 

Class, IMO. Even Nilsen - allegedly - had a wry smile for a second.

 

He was born in Fraserburgh you know.

For some strange reason there is no blue plaque at the house were he lived.

[The Pooka 26]

Health Inspector drops into a cafe incognito. He orders a sausage roll and is impressed to see the proprietor use tongs to place the item on the plate. The proprietor then takes the money and, before serving the next customer washes his hands.

 

In his seat at the window the inspector observes the owner for some time. He washes his hands at every opportunity, is rigorous in his refusal to touch food and is meticulous in clearing and cleaning tables.

 

 

After an hour the inspector approaches the proprietor and introduces himself. 'I'm here to ensure that you comply with hygiene regulations and am delighted to say that you maintain very high standards. You wash your hands when you should, you keep a clean house and you only handle foods with the tongs. Well done 10 out of 10......

 

..... but tell me one thing. Why have you got a piece of string attached to your flies?

 

Easy says the proprietor. When I go to the toilet it means that I can undo my zip by pulling on the string. My penis falls out and I can urinate without having to touch it

 

'Excellent' says the Inspector, ' but how do you get your penis back into your trousers?'

 

 

'That's easy, Sir...................

 

 

 

 

 

 

...........

 

I use the tongs'

[themaninblack 2,112]

Speaking of killers and that;

 

A true story:

 

Dennis Nilsen's major mistake was to leave so many body parts close to home, in the drains and the rest where the wet conditions, bacteria and warm weather soon forced a huge stink on the area. The neighbours complained, an engineer was called, the truth was revealed all with DN out at work. By the time he came home that night a detective had broken into his flat and was ensconced in Nilsen's favourite chair waiting for the man.

 

'Who the f**k are you?' asked Nilsen.

 

'I've come about your drains,' he said.

 

Class, IMO. Even Nilsen - allegedly - had a wry smile for a second.

 

He was born in Fraserburgh you know.

For some strange reason there is no blue plaque at the house were he lived.

 

 

Brady's Scottish as well isn't he......

[The Pooka 26]

 

 

He was born in Fraserburgh you know.

For some strange reason there is no blue plaque at the house were he lived.

 

 

Brady's Scottish as well isn't he......

I believe that Scotland has the second highest murder rates in Europe while England and Wales have the second lowest. However, if the murders carried out in England and Wales by Scotsmen are removed from the stats, England and Wales then have the lowest.

 

This story is slightly ruined by a large reduction in murders in Scotland in 2005. Perhaps they all came south.

[Windsor 2,235]

 

 

He was born in Fraserburgh you know.

For some strange reason there is no blue plaque at the house were he lived.

 

 

Brady's Scottish as well isn't he......

I believe that Scotland has the second highest murder rates in Europe while England and Wales have the second lowest. However, if the murders carried out in England and Wales by Scotsmen are removed from the stats, England and Wales then have the lowest.

 

This story is slightly ruined by a large reduction in murders in Scotland in 2005. Perhaps they all came south.

 

I blame the Scottish Nationalists.

For the most part they are a bunch of over patriotic nut cases.

[BrunoBrimley 86]

For the most part they are a bunch of over patriotic nut cases.

I believe you will find the medical term is scrotum.

[Windsor 2,235]

 

For the most part they are a bunch of over patriotic nut cases.

I believe you will find the medical term is scrotum.

 

If I was to call then over patriotic scrotums, I fear you would miss the point.

[BrunoBrimley 86]

 

For the most part they are a bunch of over patriotic nut cases.

I believe you will find the medical term is scrotum.

 

If I was to call then over patriotic scrotums, I fear you would miss the point.

Should we be discussing their points as well? That sounds a bit vulgar, especially with sensitive ladyfolk around.

[CarolAnn 926]

 

For the most part they are a bunch of over patriotic nut cases.

I believe you will find the medical term is scrotum.

 

If I was to call then over patriotic scrotums, I fear you would miss the point.

Should we be discussing their points as well? That sounds a bit vulgar, especially with sensitive ladyfolk around.

 

I'm only sensitive about that because I've reached the age where my points aren't very pointy anymore. *sniff*

[Lard Bazaar 3,803]

 

For the most part they are a bunch of over patriotic nut cases.

I believe you will find the medical term is scrotum.

 

If I was to call then over patriotic scrotums, I fear you would miss the point.

Should we be discussing their points as well? That sounds a bit vulgar, especially with sensitive ladyfolk around.

I'm only sensitive about that because I've reached the age where mine aren't very pointy anymore. *sniff*

I've never seen a pointy scrotum. In fact, were Mr Lard's scrotum to become pointy, I would be most alarmed and dispatch him to the local surgery forthwith.

[Coffin Filler 0]

I believe the Ipswich football match is cancelled this Saturday as a dyslexic serial killer has murdered all the substitutes.

 

But then again Ipswich had a dyslexic Santa this year , He kept leaving Prozzies under trees !

[Lady Die 63]

A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

 

Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "Eight hundred thousand dollars? You're kidding me. You're going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don't waste my time with anything less."

 

Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

 

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

[Banshees Scream 110]

A very dramatic and emotional woman who is easily led on by desperate men enters into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the counter and asks 'A vanilla cone please' but so mindless she forgets her purse at home.

 

A man is standing beside her who is also pathetic, but being very guilty for abuse against his former girlfriend who left him, he is very sensative towards this, and often thinks about commiting himself.

 

In the spur of that moment he said, 'two vanilla cones please' grinning at this woman. Shocked 'and as I said dramatic' she jumped back and said 'O you've touched me' several people sitting at the white little tables draw attention to the people, 'The man then admits he is a horrible man and that he battered around his girlfriend. The womans mouth drops wide open and she says 'I meant thank you'

 

And says 'no wonder why I forget my purse', being an undercover cop can be so stressful.

[Godot 149]

A very dramatic and emotional woman who is easily led on by desperate men enters into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the counter and asks 'A vanilla cone please' but so mindless she forgets her purse at home.

 

A man is standing beside her who is also pathetic, but being very guilty for abuse against his former girlfriend who left him, he is very sensative towards this, and often thinks about commiting himself.

 

In the spur of that moment he said, 'two vanilla cones please' grinning at this woman. Shocked 'and as I said dramatic' she jumped back and said 'O you've touched me' several people sitting at the white little tables draw attention to the people, 'The man then admits he is a horrible man and that he battered around his girlfriend. The womans mouth drops wide open and she says 'I meant thank you'

 

And says 'no wonder why I forget my purse', being an undercover cop can be so stressful.

Banshees dear, I don't want to sound cruel, but after reading this umpteen times I have come to the conclusion that submerged somewhere in the fathomless depths of your prose there just might be the semblance of a joke.

 

But it would need a rescue effort on the scale of Live Aid with every ounce of Bob Geldoff's persuasive talents to repair my sense of humour that has been stretched, pummelled and battered in successive attempts to salvage so much as a chuckle. There's something there, I think. But what it is, well it's left me stumped. It's humour Jim, but not as we know it.

[Banshees Scream 110]

Banshees dear, I don't want to sound cruel, but after reading this umpteen times I have come to the conclusion that submerged somewhere in the fathomless depths of your prose there just might be the semblance of a joke

 

Godot my 'joke' is drastically different from the common regulars which are often brought here. Originally I don't think I ever had the intention of designing it to be a knock knock who's there..it's of my own. I'm sure somewhere a definition for this exists, but I just can't be bothered looking.

 

But it would need a rescue effort on the scale of Live Aid with every ounce of Bob Geldoff's persuasive talents to repair my sense of humour that has been stretched, pummelled and battered in successive attempts to salvage so much as a chuckle. There's something there, I think. But what it is, well it's left me stumped. It's humour Jim, but not as we know it.

 

It seems to me your admitting in so many words that your sense of humor is either long dead or really hard to get out these days. My hands are up in the air, and it's a shame I couldn't bring it out of you. But even if it's not your Chappele Show or your Monte Python (Or maybe George and Gracie for you Godot) Since your claim of being a time traveler which (the post is a classic,) love laugh or hate it's just a glimpse into my world.

[TLC 9]

Godot my 'joke' is drastically different from the common regulars which are often brought here. Originally I don't think I ever had the intention of designing it to be a knock knock who's there..it's of my own. I'm sure somewhere a definition for this exists, but I just can't be bothered looking.

It certainly is drastically different, in more ways than I can sensibly list.

It seems to me your admitting in so many words that your sense of humor is either long dead or really hard to get out these days. My hands are up in the air, and it's a shame I couldn't bring it out of you.

Very noble of you BS to suggest that because Godot doesn't understand your frankly baffling joke that his sense of humour is long dead.

 

Did it occur to you to read it back to yourself before you posted it? I'm sure (well, fairly sure) that the idea behind the joke was clear in your mind, but you seem to have put it through some kind of online English/Japanese/English translation engine several hundred times before posting it. I personally believe it has suffered somewhat for it, perhaps losing some of its comic value on the journey. Lost in translation perhaps?

 

For anyone interested, I think this post now makes BS a repeat offender.

 

I'd even go as far as to say both posts are off topic, as there are no jokes within either of them.

 

I do realise the hypocrisy of me telling anyone they are off topic, but I felt obliged on this occasion.

[Gunjaman5000 32]

A very dramatic and emotional woman who is easily led on by desperate men enters into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the counter and asks 'A vanilla cone please' but so mindless she forgets her purse at home.

 

A man is standing beside her who is also pathetic, but being very guilty for abuse against his former girlfriend who left him, he is very sensative towards this, and often thinks about commiting himself.

 

In the spur of that moment he said, 'two vanilla cones please' grinning at this woman. Shocked 'and as I said dramatic' she jumped back and said 'O you've touched me' several people sitting at the white little tables draw attention to the people, 'The man then admits he is a horrible man and that he battered around his girlfriend. The womans mouth drops wide open and she says 'I meant thank you'

 

And says 'no wonder why I forget my purse', being an undercover cop can be so stressful.

Banshees dear, I don't want to sound cruel, but after reading this umpteen times I have come to the conclusion that submerged somewhere in the fathomless depths of your prose there just might be the semblance of a joke.

 

But it would need a rescue effort on the scale of Live Aid with every ounce of Bob Geldoff's persuasive talents to repair my sense of humour that has been stretched, pummelled and battered in successive attempts to salvage so much as a chuckle. There's something there, I think. But what it is, well it's left me stumped. It's humour Jim, but not as we know it.

It's entirely possible there's some manner of American 'slang'. Some of you British might not fully understand that.

[CarolAnn 926]

A very dramatic and emotional woman who is easily led on by desperate men enters into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the counter and asks 'A vanilla cone please' but so mindless she forgets her purse at home.

 

A man is standing beside her who is also pathetic, but being very guilty for abuse against his former girlfriend who left him, he is very sensative towards this, and often thinks about commiting himself.

 

In the spur of that moment he said, 'two vanilla cones please' grinning at this woman. Shocked 'and as I said dramatic' she jumped back and said 'O you've touched me' several people sitting at the white little tables draw attention to the people, 'The man then admits he is a horrible man and that he battered around his girlfriend. The womans mouth drops wide open and she says 'I meant thank you'

 

And says 'no wonder why I forget my purse', being an undercover cop can be so stressful.

Banshees dear, I don't want to sound cruel, but after reading this umpteen times I have come to the conclusion that submerged somewhere in the fathomless depths of your prose there just might be the semblance of a joke.

 

But it would need a rescue effort on the scale of Live Aid with every ounce of Bob Geldoff's persuasive talents to repair my sense of humour that has been stretched, pummelled and battered in successive attempts to salvage so much as a chuckle. There's something there, I think. But what it is, well it's left me stumped. It's humour Jim, but not as we know it.

It's entirely possible there's some manner of American 'slang'. Some of you British might not fully understand that.

 

 

No. No slang.

[Lard Bazaar 3,803]

Here is my favourite joke.

 

Did you hear about the man who mixed up his sleeping pills and SPAM?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He nipped upstairs for 40 wanks.

 

Edit - blimey, blummin spam and sweary filters, I wish I hadn't bothered now

[swear filter adjusted -- MH]