A Joke

[Guest Guest]

Er, let's put this one to bed, eh. Whatever undoubted humour there was to be found in the original has been diluted through a smidgeon of over-explanation. youre right, I didn't get it either.

[Lady Grendel 139]

Er, let's put this one to bed, eh. Whatever undoubted humour there was to be found in the original has been diluted through a smidgeon of over-explanation. youre right, I didn't get it either.

 

I agree, jokes are not funny when you have to explain them .

[themaninblack 2,112]

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

I'm usually pretty good with Scots dialect jokes, but you've lost me.

 

'Sellick' is Glasgow slang for Celtic, and 'tap' is top so Sellick tap = Celtic top, hope that helps .

Nope, even with the explaination I don't get it..I was kind of guessing a celtic tap was the same as a glasgow kiss!

 

Not quite! A top is something you wear on the top half of your body like a T shirt, in Glasgow top is pronounced tap, so a Celtic tap is a Celtic Football Club jersey.

 

 

Here's another scottish joke:

 

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

 

 

 

 

 

Bing sings and Walt Disney!

 

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

The Sickipedia has been having an on off relationship with a certain young missing person. One joke currently on display asks what the Portuguese police, a cordless drill and the Coca Cola Championship have in common.

 

No leads.

 

 

Oh yeah, and a sickipedia favourite from a while back:

 

What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O.J. Simpson?

Christopher Reeve got the electric chair.

And O. J. walked.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Larry La Prise, aged 93 dead, known as the writer of the Hokey Cokey. Things got a bit tricky when they lowered him into the coffin;

 

They put his left leg in.......then the trouble started.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

 

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

 

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

 

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Q: What's black and doesn't do any work?

 

A: Bernard Manning's kidneys.

 

 

Honest, he'd have had a smile about it!

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,684]

I suppose we'd better have one of Bernard's jokes as a 'tribute', although Gavin Esler calling him Bernard Matthews on Newsnight yesterday raised more of a chuckle than most of Manning's efforts. Not sure if this is a Bernie original, but it'll have to do -

 

Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:

 

"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"

 

So off he goes, knocks on the door, and sure enough a bloke in Union Jack shorts opens the door:

 

Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"

 

The bloke says: "f**k off you Spanish twat"

[Banshees Scream 110]

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

 

Buy a deck of cards.

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

 

Breasts don't have eyes

 

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

 

Klondike

 

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

 

Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?

 

Everyone has the same DNA

 

What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?

 

They both had a hit with the wall

 

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

 

$3.99 a minute

 

How are women and rocks alike?

 

You skip the flat ones

 

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?

 

Yell "Bingo!"

 

Thank you! Thank you!

[themaninblack 2,112]

Q: What's black and doesn't do any work?

 

A: Bernard Manning's kidneys.

 

 

Honest, he'd have had a smile about it!

 

 

You're the Grandmaster alright!

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

What's the difference between Pope John Paul II and M@delaeine McC@nn?

 

 

Only one of them died a vir..(Ah Anubis don't go there...)

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Cumbrian and - sometimes - very funny.

[Guest Guest_iain_*]

whaz thedifferince be tween Hillarry Clinton and rosa parks?

 

i noe acuple things.rosa took a bus to work and sodid Hillarry but she didnt caer sitting in the back

 

guys i got a nother one.rose parks was a cool womin who helepd the black community.Hillarry Clinton husband cheatedo n her witha fat girl named monsuckka lewinski.big diffirence

 

i noe one moreand its a good one.rosa parks was a nicce wom man but she got dementia.she isreally in heaven now and better but Hillary Clinton kepther husban Bill Clinton n sucked up her pride so she cood run 4 prez.once she looses she willl be demented. but moor demented.big diffirince

 

ps

 

fidel castro will die tommorow he is very ill n i saw him threedays ago and he waz diieingn i wanted to bring em choclate butnobody woul;d let me.rip fidel castro.

[Cowboy Ronnie 78]

whaz thedifferince be tween Hillarry Clinton and rosa parks?

 

i noe acuple things.rosa took a bus to work and sodid Hillarry but she didnt caer sitting in the back

 

guys i got a nother one.rose parks was a cool womin who helepd the black community.Hillarry Clinton husband cheatedo n her witha fat girl named monsuckka lewinski.big diffirence

 

i noe one moreand its a good one.rosa parks was a nicce wom man but she got dementia.she isreally in heaven now and better but Hillary Clinton kepther husban Bill Clinton n sucked up her pride so she cood run 4 prez.once she looses she willl be demented. but moor demented.big diffirince

 

ps

 

fidel castro will die tommorow he is very ill n i saw him threedays ago and he waz diieingn i wanted to bring em choclate butnobody woul;d let me.rip fidel castro.

 

That's not a bad impersonation of at least two deathlisters. Thanks for that, Mr. Guy Incognito.

[Monoclinic 39]

One day a confused little boy asks his dad "What is politics?"

 

His Dad says, "Well son, it's quite difficult to explain so try this analogy: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's in charge of the money, so we'll call her the Government. Now as we're here to take care of your needs, we shall call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, let's call him the Future. Now, go away and think about that, see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said. Later that night, he is woken by his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, thank-you, I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

No appologies if these have already been posted, im too bone idle to check.

 

 

The BBC have signed up Michael Barrymore for a new comedy series called "Only Pools and Corpses."

 

A Jewish woman says to her mum "Im going to divorce David, he only wants anal sex!"

"My arsehole is now the size of a 50p piece when it used to be the size of a 5p"

Mum tells her " You have a £1,0000,0000 pound house, homes in New York and Paris, a £10,000 week allowance and a Porsche and you want to throw that all away for 45p?"

 

What kind of key can open all doors?

A Pikey.

 

A husband shouts down to his wife

" Come up to the bedroom and look at this clock"

His wife goes upstairs to be confronted by her husband, naked and sporting a hard on.

"Thats not a clock!" she says

Husband replies "It effing will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

 

Q: What kind of wife can cook with one hand, still have sex, dust with the other hand, wash up with her feet and open a bottle of beer with her arse?

A: A swiss army wife

[Guest Guest]

A fella is going through a rough divorce, but his luck changes when he finds a magic lamp on his travels. Of course, he gives it a rub and lo and behold a genie appears.

 

"I will grant you three wishes" the genie says, "BUT, just to spice it up a bit, everything you wish for, your ex-wife will get double!"

 

"Oh, I see" says the man "let me think a moment."

 

"OK" he eventually says "Firstly I want £10,000,000 always available to me in my bank account"

 

"No worries" says the genie, "but don't forget your ex has £20,000,000 disposable income"

 

"Secondly" the man continues, "I want to be a scratch golfer"

 

"No problems" says the genie again, "but your wife is twice as good as you will ever be."

 

The man now pauses again, and evenutally says: "For my third wish I would like to suffer a mild heart-attack".

 

DWB

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Posted on a footy board:

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

>

> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

>

> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

>

> She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

>

> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

If you're American this joke is about a Polish guy;

 

 

An Irishman walks up to a bar and orders ten beers. 'Do you want a tray with that, mate?' says the barman.

 

'Feck off,' says the Irishman, 'I've got enough to carry with all this beer.'

[Windsor 2,233]

Not sure if others will agree that this is a joke, but it made me laugh.

 

She'd be better wearing a T-shirt saying, "I'm easy".

 

Who looks after her kid when she is at school? She probably has the resources (mum and dad) to fall back on to pay for her child.

 

"I feel I am the one being targeted because I am anti-abortionist. It's not fair because other people get to air their views - wearing a crucifix, for example, as a sign of religion."

 

Perhaps Chairman Mao had the right idea making everyone dress the same.

[themaninblack 2,112]

If you're American this joke is about a Polish guy;

 

 

An Irishman walks up to a bar and orders ten beers. 'Do you want a tray with that, mate?' says the barman.

 

'Feck off,' says the Irishman, 'I've got enough to carry with all this beer.'

 

If you're English it's about a Polish guy! There are probably more English emigrating to Ireland than the other way round...

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Police have announced that the incident at Glasgow Airport wasn't terrorism but part of a Halibut festival known as Ramavan

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

I'm really pissed off!!! Someones just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas,there is jam, chocolate, jelly and sponge everywhere!!!

[scsibear 4]

hahaha MPFC

 

Hey we were so cold here we decided to go over to Glasgow Airport for a heat !!!

 

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

..............If it hadnt have been for someone in the departure lounge ordering an extra hot Indian................