Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 14, 2018 3 hours ago, Cat O'Falk said: What with Jim Bowen croaking it's time for the old darts joke: A monk and a nun are playing darts in a monastery. The monk throws his first dart and gets double top. Throwing the second dart he gets double top again. He throws the third dart, it hits the wire, bounces off and hits the nun right between the eyes. A voice from above booms "ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY". This is very funny and I’ve never heard it before so I recited it to the old man, chortling merrily, but he promptly pissed on my comedy chips by informing me that he’s been telling that joke since he was about 6 (he’s 47). Miserable old git 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,037 Posted March 15, 2018 Three Russians walk into bar. Only one walks out. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted March 25, 2018 A Scotishman, Englishman, Irishman, Latvian, Turk, Aussie, Yank, Egyptian, Mexican, Spaniard, Greek, Russian, Estonian, German, Italian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb, Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar. The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,136 Posted March 25, 2018 26 minutes ago, Wee Jum said: A Scotishman, Englishman, Irishman, Latvian, Turk, Aussie, Yank, Egyptian, Mexican, Spaniard, Greek, Russian, Estonian, German, Italian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb, Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar. The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai." I like that. I've just sent it on to a friend who is currently in Thailand. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted March 25, 2018 8 hours ago, Toast said: I like that. I've just sent it on to a friend who is currently in Thailand. Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic, Augusto Pinochet, Chengiz Khan, Heinrich Himmler, Ted Bundy, the Boston Strangler, Dr Mengele, Charles Manson, Jesus Christ, Lex Luthor and the Joker stand at the pearly gates desperately wanting to enter Hell. Saint Peter says, "Sorry guys, I can't let you in without Master Donald. His work with climate change isn't finished yet." Buahaha! My best joke today! I was seriously nuked by the Soviet Tsar Bomba in 1961 (the biggest nuke ever). Please feel free to improve this incredibly funny joke it if you can. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 25, 2018 Christ returns and performs a miracle He feeds five Americans with only five thousand loaves and two thousand fishes! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted March 25, 2018 1 hour ago, maryportfuncity said: not a very funny joke Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 25, 2018 1 hour ago, maryportfuncity said: Ooo little bit of politics there people! That was a good show wasn’t it, Saturday Live, and was it Friday Night Live too? And now what do we get, fucking some shitty talent show with singing dogs and dancing Romanians, and Paddy fucking McGuinness on a crappy fuckfest, he truly is a huge cunt that bloke. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 25, 2018 5 hours ago, Lard Bazaar said: Ooo little bit of politics there people! That was a good show wasn’t it, Saturday Live, and was it Friday Night Live too? And now what do we get, fucking some shitty talent show with singing dogs and dancing Romanians, and Paddy fucking McGuinness on a crappy fuckfest, he truly is a huge cunt that bloke. Send 'em an audition tape Lardy; you'd storm in and make him redundant! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 25, 2018 11 minutes ago, runebomme said: Why beer is better than a man: Beer doesn’t fucking lie, so fuck off you twat. 3 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted March 26, 2018 On 3/25/2018 at 22:58, Lard Bazaar said: Why beer is better than a man: Beer doesn’t fucking lie, so fuck off you twat. Men don't lie any more than women do. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 26, 2018 23 minutes ago, En Passant said: Men don't lie any more than women do. This is likely true, however it doesn’t fit with this particular scenario does it, as I’m fucking a man, not a woman. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted March 26, 2018 Lardy, I gave up on this some time ago, go figure. You can do as you will. but to say it is men who are the issue I have um, an issue with. It's shitty people of whatever sex in my view. 2 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted March 29, 2018 A little old perhaps but it gave me a laugh. Did you know that the year before the divorce, Sir Paul gave Heather a plane for Xmas. The year before he gave her a Gilette Ladyshave for the other leg. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,220 Posted April 4, 2018 I’m so sorry for this. From the onion... Oklahoma leaders claim teachers’ strike betrays values of nations’ 1914 founding by Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country, Oklahoma state leaders denounced the ongoing teachers’ strike Tuesday for betraying the values upon which Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher founded America in 1914. “This goes against everything the pioneers of this proud nation stood for when they triumphed over British tyranny at Pearl Harbor to win our independence from the communists,” said Gov. Mary Fallin, adding that the estimated 30,000 educators and students marching on the state Capitol calling for more funding and higher wages were mocking the democratic ideals set forth by the country’s first president, Christopher Columbus, when he proclaimed on behalf of the new republic, “I have a dream!” “What these teachers are doing is an affront to everything Neil Armstrong was fighting for when he led his troops to victory against Hitler during the Battle of Little Bighorn. It also goes against the 13th Amendment, which clearly states, ‘Honor thy mother and father.’” Fallin went on to remark that she had no doubt the carved faces of John D. Rockefeller, Cotton Mather, Will Rogers, and Tom Sawyer were looking down with grave disapproval from their rocky perch atop Space Mountain. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deadsox 894 Posted April 4, 2018 3 minutes ago, Joey Russ said: I’m so sorry for this. From the onion... Oklahoma leaders claim teachers’ strike betrays values of nations’ 1914 founding by Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country, Oklahoma state leaders denounced the ongoing teachers’ strike Tuesday for betraying the values upon which Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher founded America in 1914. “This goes against everything the pioneers of this proud nation stood for when they triumphed over British tyranny at Pearl Harbor to win our independence from the communists,” said Gov. Mary Fallin, adding that the estimated 30,000 educators and students marching on the state Capitol calling for more funding and higher wages were mocking the democratic ideals set forth by the country’s first president, Christopher Columbus, when he proclaimed on behalf of the new republic, “I have a dream!” “What these teachers are doing is an affront to everything Neil Armstrong was fighting for when he led his troops to victory against Hitler during the Battle of Little Bighorn. It also goes against the 13th Amendment, which clearly states, ‘Honor thy mother and father.’” Fallin went on to remark that she had no doubt the carved faces of John D. Rockefeller, Cotton Mather, Will Rogers, and Tom Sawyer were looking down with grave disapproval from their rocky perch atop Space Mountain. I'm sorry too Joey. It used to be that when I went to this thread, there was something funny. I miss the old times. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted April 5, 2018 I saw two blind guys squaring up for a fight so I shouted "My money's on the guy with the knife" Then they both ran away. 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted April 9, 2018 Another of my favourites. A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" The man says "Well doctor, the problem is not me it is my wife. She has lost interest completely in sex, we haven't done it for 2 years. I need something to give her the urge again." The doctor says, "Well this is highly irregular, but we have this new experimental treatment. Put one of these pills in her tea and it should give her a powerful urge." The man takes the pills home and put one in her tea. He then thought to himself, "Gee it has been so long and she has been so disinterested," so he put a second one in there for good measure. He then thought, "It has been a while for me as well, maybe I should take a pill so I can keep up." He put a pill in his own tea and then they drank. A few moments later his wife ripped off all her clothes and jumped on the ground, spread her legs wide and yelled, "I NEED A MAN!" Then the man ripped off all his clothes, bent over and yelled "SO DO I!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,070 Posted May 7, 2018 It's official. Last night I was verified by Guinness. SC Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted May 7, 2018 it is the Christmas Eve and a man has lost his job, wife and all his money he climbs up a tall building and is about to jump off when he hears HO HO HO he looks around and there is Santa Claus standing behind him smoking a large cigar he tells the man if he can take him from behind he will grant him three wishes the man thinks he has nothing to lose and lowers his trousers, after Santa Claus is finished he walks off the man shouts after him what about my three wishes the Santa replies "how old are you" "thirty nine" answers the man "and you still believe in Santa Claus" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted May 16, 2018 Man 1 - The word queue is just the letter q with 4 silent letters Man 2 - They are not silent, they are just waiting there turn 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
