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What is a nuclear physicist's favourite food ?
Fission chips.

Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea ?
Because they know that proper tea is theft.

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Why was a hospital janitor given the sack?

 

He was injured in a car crash and needed two amputations. By mistake the surgeons had cut both the wrong leg and the wrong arm off. Realising their mistakes they had, of course, to amputate the bad leg and the bad arm as well. (needs editing)

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My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

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On 22/10/2019 at 19:17, bladan said:

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

Are you Mo Robinson, lorry driver from Portadown?

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19 hours ago, One shot Paddy said:

Are you Mo Robinson, lorry driver from Portadown?

 

Sickipedia's gone mad for this story - a couple from the top of the front page: 

 

 

♪ Trailer for sale or rent .....♪

 

AND...

 

You've got to hand it to the Tories, sometimes they keep their word. Brexit's not even a done deal yet, and already there's a freeze on immigration.

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2 hours ago, maryportfuncity said:

 

Sickipedia's gone mad for this story - a couple from the top of the front page: 

 

 

♪ Trailer for sale or rent .....♪

 

AND...

 

You've got to hand it to the Tories, sometimes they keep their word. Brexit's not even a done deal yet, and already there's a freeze on immigration.

For sale.... One trailer, sleeps 39. No reasonable offer refused. 

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Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "Can you smell fish ?"

Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing ?"
 

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Fucking wankers setting off fireworks in October.

 

Frightened the fuck out of my dog so much she bolted and knocked the Christmas tree over.

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23 minutes ago, The Quim Reaper said:

Fucking wankers setting off fireworks in October.

 

Frightened the fuck out of my dog so much she bolted and knocked the Christmas tree over.

You need to get a new joke writer, that's the 8th or 9th time I've seen that one in the last couple of days. 

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On Tuesday, October 22, 2019 at 13:17, bladan said:

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

I like my coffee the same the same as my women. 

Ground up finely and stored in airtight containers in the freezer.

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♪ If a man with tattoo ♪

♪ Chants a Haka at you ♪

♪ That’s a Maori ♪

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The backlash against Coronation Street's male rape storyline has led ITV bosses to consider whether it ought to drop the soap.

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On 28/10/2019 at 00:26, maryportfuncity said:

The backlash against Coronation Street's male rape storyline has led ITV bosses to consider whether it ought to drop the soap.

or rename it Sodomization Street

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16 hours ago, bladan said:

or rename it Sodomization Street

do they get turned to salt?

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Q. Two Tory girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

 A. Society.

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A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

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What did head of the Gestapo say to a dead parrot?

"Ve haf vays of making you talk!"

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

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1 hour ago, The Quim Reaper said:

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

 

Kettering?  Am I missing a double entendre here?

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3 hours ago, Toast said:

 

Kettering?  Am I missing a double entendre here?

 

Oh no, it was a genuine minor news story! Good way to liven up such a dismal place.

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Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

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3 hours ago, maryportfuncity said:

Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

Does that mean that Kirk is 3% on the way to becoming immortal?

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