Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted January 25, 2010 I usually only watch England matches, just to pretend that I have an ounce of patriotism in my body, and so that I can go to the pub and get blisteringly mullered and shout, but through unlucky circumstance I am now being forced to watch much more football than is necessary in a girl's life, notably Manchester City. It has brought to my attention what a bunch of girly twats most footballers are. They have stupid hair, they cry if the ref tells them off, and they push each other over like schoolgirls having a spat in the playground. And the ones left over either have unnecessary facial hair, or made up names like Mr Arse Shaving and Mr Snodgrass. Up the Bummers, or whatever they're called Fucking hell Lardy, the first lessons in Football education: Never confuse Manchester City with Football! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,596 Posted January 25, 2010 Paraguay international Salvador Cabañas is in critical condition in hospital after being shot in the head. He was a transfer target for Sunderland. It happened in the bathroom of a bar. Police have nothing to go on. (Not strictly true, arrests have been made) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted January 25, 2010 Paraguay international Salvador Cabañas is in critical condition in hospital after being shot in the head. He was a transfer target for Sunderland. It happened in the bathroom of a bar. Police have nothing to go on. (Not strictly true, arrests have been made) I'd rather get shot in the head than have that fat head Bruce as my boss... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,596 Posted January 31, 2010 I see John Terry scored the winner for Chelsea at Burnley. Thank God he likes playing away. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 2, 2010 The great British public have spoken Wayne Rooney is our rightful leader, or summat. Obviously shagging a chain-smoking hooker-granny is no barrier to greatness and moral superiority, a brief dalliance with a stunning lingerie model on the other hand...... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,596 Posted February 2, 2010 The great British public have spoken Wayne Rooney is our rightful leader, or summat. Obviously shagging a chain-smoking hooker-granny is no barrier to greatness and moral superiority, a brief dalliance with a stunning lingerie model on the other hand...... Ah, but if said chain-smoking hooker-granny had been Wayne Bridge's ex... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted February 2, 2010 The great British public have spoken Wayne Rooney is our rightful leader, or summat. Obviously shagging a chain-smoking hooker-granny is no barrier to greatness and moral superiority, a brief dalliance with a stunning lingerie model on the other hand...... Oh, it really is. Just ask the twat that fathered my youngest. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted February 2, 2010 Good. I hope Rooney gets it. Heaps yet more pressure on his young shoulders what with carrying Manchester United all season... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 2, 2010 Whilst we're dragging the debate into the moral gutter is anyone following Hull vs Chelsea? I'm riveted to online coverage of Carlisle at Colchester (1-0 to us at the moment), but I was copied into an e-mail today suggesting the Hull supporters had a song in preparation: His baby's in a bucket His wife is out the door He's not the captain anymore John Terry, John Terry Have they performed this tasteful ditty loudly enough to the television coverage to pick it up? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator 13 Posted February 3, 2010 Have they performed this tasteful ditty loudly enough to the television coverage to pick it up? The Daily Mirror (online) reports: Chant heard at Hull v Chelsea: "Chelsea, Wherever you may be, Don't leave your wife with John Terry. Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, And he'll get your missus up the duff". There are a number of John Terry jokes at the Daily Mirror link (above). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 4, 2010 JT has signed up to star in a new TV show. It's called Other Footballers' Wives. Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding, he said: "l've just heard JT is parked outside my house!" England manager Fabio Capello phoned Wayne Bridge and said: "JT's lost the captain's armband. Can you do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for it?" So JT was sleeping with Wayne Bridge's girl. Poor old Wayne - he wasn't even first choice with his missus. It's a good thing JT doesn't bring all his girlfriends to watch him play every match. Abramovich would have to increase the capacity of Stamford Bridge by 20,000. Newsflash just in: "Bridge close to collapsing in Manchester. Support needed." So JT has been caught stealing another man's girl. I bet his old mum will be so proud he's learned something from her. Somebody bought me a box of Terry's All Gold. I was shocked to find new chocs called French Fancy and Cheat Cluster. What have Wayne's ex-missus and the 2008 Champions League final goalpost got in common? They've both been banged by JT. Advertisement John Terry, former Dad Of The Year. Kerry Katona, former Mum Of The Year. I bet Ronnie Wood is polishing his Grandad Of The Year award right now. The England team have voted for Terry to keep his place in the World Cup squad. With the ban on WAGs travelling to South Africa, no one wants him left behind. (To the tune of Lord Of The Dance) "Chelsea, wherever they may be, "Don't leave your bird with John Terry. "Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, "And he'll get your missus up the duff!" Did you know JT has scored 28 times at the Bridge? Nah, nor did Wayne. What's John Terry's favourite song? Under The Bridge. Wayne asked Vanessa Perroncel if she'd ever cheated on him. She confessed she had - three times. "THREE!" He cried. "When?" She said: "Remember no one would give you a mortgage, then the bank manager came to see me and agreed it? Then the time you needed that leg operation and it was too tricky so the doc refused - until he came to see me and then you were sorted? "Then the third time was when you really, really wanted to be made captain of Chelsea and you were those ten votes short... " Wayne sent his missus a replica of his willy made from Cadbury's chocolate. But she refused it, saying she prefers Terry's! Bridge refuses to play for England while John Terry's captain...let's hope he starts cheating with Heskey's missus too Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,596 Posted February 4, 2010 So any Avram Grant jokes then? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 4, 2010 There used to be a great one about Grant: His official Chelsea dressing room song was My Way, because Roman Abramovich told him to pick that one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,596 Posted February 6, 2010 Is Portsmouth's performance today (5-0 so far with 3 own-goals) some sort of protest against not getting paid or have they all had a huge punt on the fixed-odds? Or are they just that bad? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted February 6, 2010 Is Portsmouth's performance today (5-0 so far with 3 own-goals) some sort of protest against not getting paid or have they all had a huge punt on the fixed-odds? Or are they just that bad? Man United have had more own goals this season than Owen goals... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 49 Posted February 6, 2010 Great quote in the paper today: Football is a gentlemen's game played by beasts, Rugby is a beast's game played by gentlemen. Still, sad to see Leeds United lose to Tottenham. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 7, 2010 Great quote in the paper today: Football is a gentlemen's game played by beasts, Rugby is a beast's game played by gentlemen. Still, sad to see Leeds United lose to Tottenham. Yeah, strange to say it but........ Carlisle United's Blue Army were rooting for Leeds on the grounds that further interest in the FA Cup along with their League One championship push would have made them an easier proposition at Brunton Park on Tuesday night. We're 90 minutes from Wembley in the JPT with a one goal lead from Elland Road. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monoclinic 39 Posted February 7, 2010 We're 90 minutes from Wembley in the JPT with a one goal lead from Elland Road. Now we're talking. This is where the real football is to be found. This will knock the likes of Terry and Grant off of the front pages. JPT, stuff of dreams. Hopefully we'll see you, as the runners up, at Wembley. Either way Tuesday will be a nice warm up to "wave a fiver at a Pompey fan day" on Saturday. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 10, 2010 Anyone planning a shopping trip in London around 28 March might be well advised to avoid the Wembley area, it could get a little rowdy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted February 13, 2010 Well, there have been violent clashes between the police and Southampton supporters after their defeat to P********h today. Anybody that can find us a piccy of said riot with Monoclinic leading the charge from the front, resplendant in brown Dr Martens, let us know... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 13, 2010 For those too concerned with the rugby to notice the football results: Carlisle 5-0 MK Dons Harte 21 Robson 39 Duffy 63 Dobie 71 Anyinsah 74 Granted, we cleared two of their attacks off the line at 0-0, but one way traffic ensued by the middle of the second half. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monoclinic 39 Posted February 13, 2010 For those too concerned with the rugby to notice the football results: Carlisle 5-0 MK Dons Harte 21 Robson 39 Duffy 63 Dobie 71 Anyinsah 74 Granted, we cleared two of their attacks off the line at 0-0, but one way traffic ensued by the middle of the second half. Football? There was football being played today? No, I think you are quite mistaken. I find no evidence of any matches being played on the south coast or otherwise. Bastards. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,689 Posted February 18, 2010 Hard to believe, but we've sunk to a new low - our 'revolting' fans' protest saw the game against Eastbourne Borough abandoned after 75 minutes... ... while we were leading ! So we'll probably get docked another 4,500 points and be kicked down another three leagues. None of which will matter if we don't pay the Welsh enemy the five billion pounds we allegedly owe them within the next 24 hours. Ah well, it's only a funny old game. The axe is about to fall. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 26, 2010 Consider this rant and then ask yourself; when Ken Bates finally goes senile, how will anyone be able to tell the difference between then and now? Had you been there or watching it you might have thought the ref biased in Leeds' favour, there was certainly a generous allocation of time added in which they were all over Carlisle and threatening to take the game. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted February 26, 2010 No last minute rescue, Portsmouth are the first Premiershit club to enter administration. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
