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At this rate almost anybody attending the Sochi winter olympics!

His management team say he will race again. Against Stephen Hawking. Too soon?

Christmas Elf & Safety Procedures The Rocking Song Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you: Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. Jingle Bells Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. While Shepherds Watched While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory. Little Donkey Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. We Three Kings We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows. You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place. It's official, the world has finally gone mad! ;-)

Sonny and Schuma-cher?

Well officials are stressing that there is no truth to the rumours that Damon Hill forced him into the rocks on the first bend.

I'd guess if he hangs on till the 3rd he might do a Sharon, Cracknell or Hammond (i.e. not die) Indeed. No news seems to be good news at this stage. The way some of the experts are talking, such as Dr Gary Hartstein the former official F1 doctor, Michael's injuries aren't as bad as they seemed - the second operation rumours have been rejected, which would suggest that they're keeping the swelling under control without the need for further action (unless of course the hospital really aren't telling us the full picture). That he is in a "critical" condition and in an induced coma are fairly standard practice for this sort of injury - it doesn't tell us much about the severity of the injuries, other than it's at least quite bad The doctors are just managing expectations at this stage. I can remember several drivers in recent years being in similar situations - Cristiano da Matta, Felipe Massa, Robert Kubica (different sort of injuries but similarly bleak reports at one point), and Richard Hammond as already mentioned. Before that Karl Wendlinger and Mika Hakkinen also had severe head injuries in the 1990s. They all came out of these OK and live normal lives now, even getting back behind the wheel. Racing drivers have very good care, even when doing other things. I've already submitted my DDP team so couldn't stick him in anyway, but at the moment I'm not sure it would be worth the gamble anyway, though it's difficult to tell either way at this stage What's disappointing in hindsight is the local sources actively saying he was fine in the hours after it. I'm sure he did seem fine in the immediate aftermath of it but it was clear that something larger was wrong - we all know that people who suffer from severe head injuries can appear fine at first. I had an ominous feeling even after these reports - the media clung onto the story which suggests they knew more than they were letting on, i.e. they may have known it was more serious than it seemed but were reluctant to come out and say it, which made it look like, to quote my father, "it was the result of a slow news day". As for the Meribel people, I get the impression their response was more meant to be "no, really, he's fine, our slopes are safe"

Fuck off troll!

Tick Tock Peter Sallis Valarie Harper Al Molinaro Glynis Johns Doris Day Patrick Macnee Jerry Lewis Stanley Baxter Olivia de Haviland Pete Murray Subs Jimmy Hill Dr John (Musician)

FFS!! That is an obsessive fan site. Maybe her family met the dribbling Vaseline addicts behind it and suggested she duck out of any further dealings with them. Worth watching, mind, the woman is clearly obitable.

I urge you to submit that team, you're allowed three after all!

Assuming there's space why not, although the rules appear to be too complex for me to comprehend. Wilko Johnson Bruce Forsyth Zsa Zsa Gabor Sam Simon Carla Laemle Rev. Billy Graham Valerie Harper Pope Benedict Baroness Trumpington Ray Reardon Subs: Vic Seixas, Selena Gomez EDIT: edited 24th April to correct seixas spelling.

Well at least his life insurance policy is sorted out. And he got a free fountain pen just for enquiring.

Wow, she's at a book signing at the Waterstone's on Piccadilly at 5:30 today. I was thinking about going. Well, not really. First the Litvinenko poisoning, which was in a (now closed) restaurant on Piccadilly, and now a hep-ravaged ratbag's on the prowl in the same neighbourhood. Maybe those Japanese toursists who wear masks everywhere aren't so dumb after all.