One shot Paddy 1,206 Posted June 14, 2009 God asked Jesus to try lots of drugs to help him sympathise with the modern man. He asked his disciples to each find a drug and bring it to him. Mark brought cocaine, Matthew brought LSD, Andrew brought weed and Judas, he brought the drug squad!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,800 Posted June 25, 2009 What do you call a Mexican peeping tom? Senor Minge. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted June 25, 2009 What do you call a Mexican peeping tom? Senor Minge. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gunjaman5000 32 Posted June 26, 2009 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Well done Mary, four and a half years late. Very funny gag though. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,660 Posted June 26, 2009 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Well done Mary, four and a half years late. Very funny gag though. Aye, indeed, doubtless there's others repeated on this thread. Haven't seen this 'un though: Jacko was sent to the children's ward where he reportedly had numerous strokes. oh aye And he left his address book to Gary Glitter. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handrejka 1,904 Posted July 7, 2009 So Farrah arrives in heaven and is greeted by St. Peter who tells her that because she has led such a beautiful life as a practicing Catholic, she will be granted any request for the earthly life she left behind. She tells St. Peter, "Well, I would really like to make the world safer for little boys..." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handrejka 1,904 Posted July 18, 2009 Victoria Beckham and her chauffeur wre driving down a country lane one evening when a cow suddenly stepped in front of the Mercedes and was killed instantly! Posh Spice then told the driver to go the farm and tell the owners what had happened. After a couple of hours the driver returned, staggering along the road, his clothes in tatters, with a huge smile on his face. "Where the hell were you?" asked Victoria, "What happened?" "Well," the driver slurred, "The farmer gave me some expensive wine, and then he gave me a cuban cigar and then he gave his daughter who made passionate love to me!" "Oh my god!" said Victoria, "What did you say to them?" "Well," replied the driver, "I told them that I was Victoria Beckham's driver and that I had just killed the cow!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,220 Posted July 18, 2009 World's Shortest Fairy Tale.......... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after. The end Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,800 Posted July 18, 2009 World's Shortest Fairy Tale.......... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after. The end Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after. Can you tell i'm newly divorced? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted July 19, 2009 World's Shortest Fairy Tale.......... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after. The end Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after. Can you tell i'm newly divorced? No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,800 Posted July 19, 2009 World's Shortest Fairy Tale.......... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after. The end Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after. Can you tell i'm newly divorced? No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy... Bah humbug - I'm going to be a lesbian. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,220 Posted July 19, 2009 World's Shortest Fairy Tale.......... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after. The end Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after. Can you tell i'm newly divorced? No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy... Bah humbug - I'm going to be a lesbian. Im sure you will make a good one too!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deadsox 894 Posted July 19, 2009 World's Shortest Fairy Tale.......... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after. The end Youve got things mixed up there me old mucker, it shurely should read once upon a time a girl asked a guy to marry her, he said no, and the girl lived happily ever after. Can you tell i'm newly divorced? No, I'm with LFN on this one, Lardy... Bah humbug - I'm going to be a lesbian. Im sure you will make a good one too!! If you're going to be a lesbian you have to get a liquor license. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,660 Posted July 21, 2009 Not exactly a joke but I just happen to find myself with the complete lyrics to the one and only album by Finnish Death Metal titans Torsofuck. Thought I might paste them here, which seems appropriate. Enjoy: 1. Mutilated For Sexual Purposes Mutilated For Sexual Purposes I cut off her arms and legs Blood spills from the stumps Ripping out her guts makes me horny I stuck my cock in her mouth I saw off the head and go Anal double fistfuck The bitch is done 2. Erotic Diarrhea Fantasy Last night I had the most exciting dream In it I was surrounded by many asses I got shitted allover Diarrhea splattered from every direction I felt like I was in heaven My cock ejaculated biggest load of go I had ever seen Suddenly I woke up, it was only a dream But why was I covered with diarrhea? 3. Fistfucking Her Decomposed Cadaver Digging up her corpse, she is worm infested Badly decomposed, but I take her to my home Stench of rot turns me on and my cock grows rapidly I am so horny, I need to feck that dirty whore I put my cock in her mouth, bitch gives rotted head It feels so good, I slap her pus-filled face Now its time to give her something Tonguefucking putrefying clown The taste is incredible, much better than the one that is alive I eat maggots from her pussy I turn her over and start to feck like a mad dog Deeper and harder, I am about to go crazy Now its time to penetrate donkey Her asshole is so tight, this must be her first time Faster and faster, I can feel my balls banging against her clown I quickly go, squirting inside rectum Pulling my cock out, its covered with with sperm, sh*t and insects fekin stupid bitch, your donkey was dirty, you fekin dead slut I brutally smash my fist up her clown and rip her entrails out Double fistfucking her asshole Chainsaw mutilation, she is now in pieces I put all parts in plastic bags and drive back to cemetary One by one I throw bags down her grave No time to bury her again, feck you whore 4. Worm Infested Anal What a perfect sight to see Decomposed dead bitch I spread her buttocks wide and I love what I see Anus covered with worms I masturbate as I fingerfuck Slimy rectum, full of rot and sh*t Maggots crawling, insects feasting I squirt my load allover her donkey 5. Raped By Elephants I was visiting in africa two months ago My goal was to see all those wild animals Most excited I was when I came close to elephants They were so big and somehow so scary Something happened when I snapped a picture Three elephants surrounded me One of them ripped off all my clothes Second elephant came on me and started to spread my buttocks With its huge trunk I screamed in agony when I felt it started to shove up my donkey Third elephant forced me to take its giant cock in my mouth I sucked like a whore while I was assfucked by elephant trunk After all it wasnt too bad at all It took only about ten minutes and cock in my mouth started to go Extremely huge load of elephant sperm filled my throat and Spurted allover my face I was completely stuffed up, but elephants had one more thing to do All three of them huffed and puffed shirts on me Then they left me alone with my ripped asshole I'll never go to Africa again 6. Pussy Mutilation Wide open pussy in front of me She wants me to feck her hard This time I want something different I pull my out knife with rusty blade Stabbing her vagina again and again Blood sprays on my face, I feel I'm alive More and more, her pussy is just a mess 7. Snuffed Freak Born without arms and legs She is just a circus freak Stupid fekin whore She is a cheap piece of meat Now she must suffer Brutally beaten into the head Fingerfucked anus, knife in a pussy Lifeless torso gangraped and gutted Snuffed in front of a camera All taped in one take, nothing is fake Sold as porn in $62.00+ postages 8. Four Legged Whore Few days ago I bought a cat It is so cute, I want to feck it hard Walking on four legs, shaking that little donkey Dirty fekin slut who deserves to suffer I place my cock in the center of tis asshole Hard push, damn its tight but feels so good I feck like a rabbid, cat screams in agony Faster adn faster, cat is unconscious I cut off its tail and shove it up my donkey Innards ripped out, head cut off, cat is stuffed up Squirting my sperm allover the mess Tomorrow Im gonna buy a dog 9. Cannibal Everyday I can hear voices in my head They tell me to eat other humans and feck their corpses Im lurking in the shadows with my axe Ready to murder and satisfy my sick hunger I dont care if they are males or females Older or younger, I kill and eat everybody After my hunger is filled, I rape those mutilated corpses I am one sick feck and there is no stop for me Now those voices tell me to eat myself I slice my stomach open and rip out my guts Feasting with my entrails, blood spills I am one sick feck and there is no stop for me Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deadsox 894 Posted July 21, 2009 Charming. Quite a milestone for your 7500th post. Congratulations! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,800 Posted July 22, 2009 HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!! Just what I needed for a boring Wednesday morning! Well done Mary! I especially like the elephants one, 'I'll never go to Africa again'! I wonder if it's on Itunes? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted July 22, 2009 Just the title 'Raped by Elephants' had me chuckling... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,689 Posted July 22, 2009 Just the title 'Raped by Elephants' had me chuckling... Cover of an old George Formby number, isn't it? Now call me old-fashioned, deaf or just plain stupid, but I'm having trouble fitting the lyrics to the tune. Am I misunderstanding the true essence of goregrind or summat, Mary? Dearie me, the Dolly Dots and Torsofuck in one day - it's all too much... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
welshman 31 Posted July 22, 2009 quite liked this and the poster - drcunt Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,660 Posted July 23, 2009 Now call me old-fashioned, deaf or just plain stupid, but I'm having trouble fitting the lyrics to the tune. Am I misunderstanding the true essence of goregrind or summat, Mary? Those Youtube clips are video 'responses' in other words, hardcore but basically well-off American fans titting about with their toys and incorporating the sounds of the titanic Torsofuck somewhere in their videos. The thing with a lot of death metal is that the lyrics are growled to the point that you have to trust the lyric sheet, or summat. Now, can we get back to the point of this thread....... What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Usain Bolt? Bolt finishes a race. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,117 Posted July 25, 2009 A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,660 Posted July 26, 2009 Germany is world famous for its cleaning products: Mister Muscle - household cleaner Cillit Bang - bathroom cleaner Zyklon B - ethnic cleaner Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TAFKAG 70 Posted July 27, 2009 George Bernard Shaw: "William Morris and I preached the gospel of Labour together on many occasions. Many respectable persons thought we deserved hanging. I am proud to hang in a hall dedicated to him." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,660 Posted July 29, 2009 Just heard some snail jokes on the radio, like: Bloke answers a knock at the door, thinks there's nobody there till he looks down and sees a snail. He chucks it back down the garden and says; 'piss off.' A week later there is another knock at the door and the snail says: 'What did you do that for?' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator 13 Posted July 29, 2009 Just heard some snail jokes on the radio, like: Bloke answers a knock at the door, thinks there's nobody there till he looks down and sees a snail. He chucks it back down the garden and says; 'piss off.' A week later there is another knock at the door and the snail says: 'What did you do that for?' A tribute to the "almost-late" Ronnie Corbett. He told the joke on the Two Ronnies (during his slot on the armchair). That must be at least 25 years old.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
