Phantom 2,536 Posted December 22, 2014 My son turned to me and said "lift me up" So I bent down and whispered in his ear "you're a wonderful child with fantastic imagination". He wasn't very happy. If that didn't lift him up, I don't know what else will. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,658 Posted December 22, 2014 This 50 year old accountant signed on as a suicide bomber...a clear case of mid-life ISIS. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted December 24, 2014 Why is Santa scratching himself all over right now? Cos someone wished him Merry Eczemas, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted December 28, 2014 In church a lady was heard to say a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. "Dear Lord, This has been a tough four or five years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite male singer Michael Jackson and my favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favourite football manager Bobby Robson, and my favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros. My favourite female singer Whitney Houston and now my favourite comedianr, Robin Williams. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband (in no particular order) Amen" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted December 29, 2014 Another one for the_engineer A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted January 2, 2015 I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, 'Where is the rake?' She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, 'What?' I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said 'What?' I repeated the gestures. 'Eye - Kneed - The Rake' My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her private area. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, 'What the hell was that?' She replies, 'Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush' !!!! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Hope Mugabe dies in 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 What is the difference between a man and a Duck? A Duck eats with its pecker. How do You find a gopher's hole? Lift up its tail. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat O'Falk 3,290 Posted January 2, 2015 What's the difference between goldfish and a mountain goat? One's always mucking about in the fountain ... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted January 5, 2015 I broke into a Countdown series champion's house and nicked his incredibly long list of words so I could memorise them for when I go on the show. Now I've been charged with Grand Theft Autism Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted January 6, 2015 Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar. The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again." 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,658 Posted January 7, 2015 I dropped this monster turd and just as I tried to flush it it started swimming, hauled itself up the side of the bog and said: "I think, therefore I am." This shit just got serious. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,536 Posted January 7, 2015 I saw a confusing documentary about the earthworm last night. I couldn't make head nor tail out of it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted January 7, 2015 I dropped this monster turd and just as I tried to flush it it started swimming, hauled itself up the side of the bog and said: "I think, therefore I am." This shit just got serious. I drew a picture of a turd and it jumped off the page and started talking to me - SHIT JUST GOT REAL! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat O'Falk 3,290 Posted January 7, 2015 Youngsters must substitute their own contemporary sex object for Raquel Welch in the following joke; it's that old! What's the difference between a motorway and Raquel Welch? One knackers your tyres ... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted January 12, 2015 A little boy is with his mother while she is dress shopping. He wanders off and after much looking she finds him under a mannequin's skirt looking up and staring. She is concerned that he is taking such an interest at a young age and tries to put him off by telling him that he needs to be very careful about that part of a lady's anatomy because they have "Big teeth, sharp teeth, sharp teeth that bite". She repeats it to him a few times and he grows up genuinely believing that women have teeth there, big teeth, sharp teeth, sharp teeth that bite. He grows up and gets his first girlfriend and things are getting hot and heavy on the couch and despite all of her urgings, he won't go anywhere near her ladybits. She says "Why won't you touch me down there?" He replies, "Cause you've got teeth down there, big teeth, sharp teeth, sharp teeth that bite." "What?" "You have big teeth, sharp teeth, sharp teeth that bite." "That is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard..Look I'll show you" So the girl lifts up her skirt and pulls down her panties and pulls her lips apart. "See no teeth!" And he says "Well, with the state your gums are in I am hardly surprised" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted January 18, 2015 Anybody see the Oscar nominations were announced? It's a shame cause they snubbed this great independent movie..... about a Jewish crossword champion. No cinemas will show it either, for some weird reason. "The Final Solution" it's called. Fuckin travesty. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted January 18, 2015 Anybody see the Oscar nominations were announced? It's a shame cause they snubbed this great independent movie..... about a Jewish crossword champion. No cinemas will show it either, for some weird reason. "The Final Solution" it's called. Fuckin travesty. Was it REALLY worth getting up that early to post such a massively shite joke? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,658 Posted January 18, 2015 What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls? Rick O'Shay 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted January 19, 2015 A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2,000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2,000.00 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*' 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,658 Posted January 22, 2015 ISIS are going to save on the expense of training suicide bombers by breeding swarms of killer insects. Expect the first wave of Jihaddi Longlegs any day. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted January 22, 2015 ISIS are going to save on the expense of training suicide bombers by breeding swarms of killer insects. Expect the first wave of Jihaddi Longlegs any day. And bomblebees, regards, Hein Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted January 22, 2015 Does that mean a fear of suicide bombers is Iraqnaphobia ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted January 22, 2015 ISIS are going to save on the expense of training suicide bombers by breeding swarms of killer insects. Expect the first wave of Jihaddi Longlegs any day. Brilliant! And stolen :-D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,658 Posted January 22, 2015 ISIS are going to save on the expense of training suicide bombers by breeding swarms of killer insects. Expect the first wave of Jihaddi Longlegs any day. Brilliant! And stolen :-D You say stolen, I say thoughtfully shared. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted January 22, 2015 ISIS are going to save on the expense of training suicide bombers by breeding swarms of killer insects. Expect the first wave of Jihaddi Longlegs any day. Brilliant! And stolen :-D You say stolen, I say thoughtfully shared. Beats being shariad. regards, Hein 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
