A Joke

[Perfect Passing 277]

'Prime minister', 'Socialist Labour' and 'Conservative Party' should not be in a joke that includes 'grocery store'.

Just a sayin.

Considering how The Death List brings us all together, it amazes me how switched on you all are, unlike our 'hopeful' collective subject matter.

 

Jokes from the other side of the pond never travel well!

[Toast 16,143]

 

'Prime minister', 'Socialist Labour' and 'Conservative Party' should not be in a joke that includes 'grocery store'.

Just a sayin.

Considering how The Death List brings us all together, it amazes me how switched on you all are, unlike our 'hopeful' collective subject matter.

 

Jokes from the other side of the pond never travel well!

 

 

Often they can, with a little editing

 

I liked your Yorkshire death announcement joke further up, but I first encountered it as an Irish joke with the more succinct

"Paddy's dead. Farm for sale".

[charon 4,943]

Just proves I read it....

 

 

 

Anyhoo.

 

 

man goes into his doctor.

 

there's a ragged wound in his forehead.

 

the doctor says "that looks nasty- how did you do that?"

 

the man says "i bit myself."

 

the doctor says "you bit yourself?"

 

the man says"yes -i bit myself"

 

the doctor says "how did you bite yourself in the forehead?"

 

the man says "it was easy. i stood on a chair."

[Dr_T 254]

Here's one I was reminded off earlier today. It is an old joke so apologies if it has appeared on this forum in one of the earlier 2000+ posts.

 

The year is 1962. A young man is waiting for his date, Betty, and talking to her father. "So what are you kids getting up to tonight?" asked the father who then continued, "No let me guess, you'll be screwing. Betty just loves to screw. She'd screw all day and all night if she could. She'd screw with anyone."

The young man got a sly grin on his face as Betty came down the stairs.

 

Half an hour later Betty came home. Her dress was ripped, her hair was mussed up and her make up was all over her face. "It's called the Twist, Dad...the dance is called The Twist."

 

 

What reminded me is that Chubby Checker was being interviewed on the radio. He sounded in extremely good condition for a 75 y o man. It sounds like he is doing some sort of tour which is visiting Australia in November, so I wouldn't be including him on any lists in the near future unless there is some major health issue.

[deadsox 894]

Overweight, frumpy nurse to young blonde colleague: "You know that hunky young patient in Ward 5? I've just given him a bed-bath and he has the word TOTTIE tattooed on his willy!"

 

Next day, young blonde nurse to overweight, frumpy colleague: "I've just given that hunky patient a bed-bath. His tattoo actually says TOTTENHAM TILL I DIE!"

The US version is "Joe" and "Joe's Bar and Grill, Chattanooga, Tennessee".

[The Happy Reaper 223]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

There was an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is sternum".

[RadGuy 1,614]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

 

A lady stood up and came forward.

 

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

There was an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

 

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

 

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with relief.

 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is sternum".

It actually hurt to read that.

[Phantom 2,533]

Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday

I told him there was no need for senseless violence

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he

realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two

animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aberdonian.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until

the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,

but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful

woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed

her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their

evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus

clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,

realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,

cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina

Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Just listening to The Archers; decades that's been on and still nobody's fired a bow and arrow.

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got a cute vagina

Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.

 

[Toast 16,143]

 

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got a cute vagina

Ted: Your breasts aren't bad either.

 

 

Fixed that for both of you.

[The Happy Reaper 223]

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

[Perfect Passing 277]

AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT​ ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

 

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW​ A​​ND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE"

SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

​ ​

 

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID "I'M A SENATOR AND A​ ​DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA"

SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

 

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT​ P​​RESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN"

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

 

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A​ ​10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD​ THE BEST I COULD, I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE"

 

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUT​E ​LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOL BAG"

​ ​

[torbrexbones 717]

That joke gets re-written every time a new character appears worthy of the title 'smartest man in the world'

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

[deadsox 894]

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

 

 

The jester is a "wit" and the king had his way with the wit's "end".

[torbrexbones 717]

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

 

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

 

 

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

Indeed. That, or he just didn't find it very funny.

[deadsox 894]

 

 

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

Indeed. That, or he just didn't find it very funny.

 

 

Not a "knee slapper".

[Toast 16,143]

 

 

 

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

Indeed. That, or he just didn't find it very funny.

 

 

Not a "knee slapper".

 

 

I liked it.