runebomme 377 Posted October 7, 2017 three cats are arguing which one of them is the laziest the first cat said I had a large bowl of milk in front of me I just looked at it and was too lazie to drink it the second cat said thats nothing I had a large fish infront of me and was too lazie to eat it the third cat asked did you hear a noise last night the other two cats replied yes it was horrible we could not sleep all night the third cat said I sat on my balls and was too lazie to get up 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted October 8, 2017 FB reminded me this was four years back Anyone know if they found him? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
msc 18,439 Posted October 8, 2017 "they'd seen a wee ned (Scottish for a ruffian)" Best bit of the above. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted October 14, 2017 I'll cop this is my photo - but it's someone else's handiwork on a bus stop in Colchester Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 15, 2017 Why is the Earth blue? Because it has Venus envy... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 19, 2017 I can tell which people are judgemental just by looking at them. 3 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,070 Posted October 21, 2017 On 10/19/2017 at 16:46, Phantom said: I can tell which people are judgemental just by looking at them. When it comes to sharing, I take the cake. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,037 Posted October 24, 2017 I was reading about the Russian lady who died after being boiled in molten caramel... Apparently, she's now as one with the Galaxy.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted October 24, 2017 I bought a green-powered can recently. She run's well but I keep getting arrested. My friend showed me a talking toilet in Japan. It was full of shit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 24, 2017 q how do hedgehogs have sex a carefully Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted October 25, 2017 The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." 8 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted October 25, 2017 A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself." 1 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,037 Posted October 25, 2017 1 hour ago, BufordTJustice said: The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." Possibly the best joke I've heard this year. Thanks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted October 27, 2017 I came home from work to a note the wife left on the fridge saying "This isn't working, "I opened the fridge, the light went on and my beer was cold, it's working just fine. 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 28, 2017 a tobacco manufacturer says to another tobacco manufacturer I have not sold any tobacco and you sell a lot what is your secret the second tobacco manufacturer answers you take half tobacco and half shit and you mix them together and people love it the first tobacco manufacturer replise so you have to but tobacco in it as well Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted November 1, 2017 What did the dog sit in the shade? He didn't wanna be a hot dog Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,037 Posted November 4, 2017 Mother was pushing a pram through the park, and I saw the kid throttling a toy Eeyore (from Winnie The Pooh). Ah yes, I thought, I see you baby, shaking that ass... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted November 9, 2017 Romanians - apparently - tell Somali jokes in which the subjects of their humour are underweight and hungry, like... Q: In what part of Somalia is the density of population greatest? A: It depends on the direction of the wind. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FixedBusiness 407 Posted November 9, 2017 What's the difference between cancer and me?My father never beat cancer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FixedBusiness 407 Posted November 10, 2017 Your mom is so ugly, a blowjob from her counts as anal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,136 Posted November 14, 2017 1 hour ago, maryportfuncity said: That reminds me of the old favourite: How do you tell a stoat from a weasel? A weasel is weasely recognisable, but a stoat is stoatily different. 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
