A Joke

[Chopped Liver 53]

Popped up for another joke.

 

eBay really need to step their game up. I was searching for a lighter, and 33,000 matches came up.

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you fucking pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

 

 

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

Some superbly dark stuff in a recorded performance from Bob Monkhouse on television last night. He clearly had a deep-seated and personal dislike of Peter Seller's mum. As shown by

 

"If Peter Seller's mother went into the woods she always sniffed out a truffle" and "there was a holiday camp having an ugly contest. When Peter's Seller's mother turned up they said 'please, no professionals!'"

 

[Joey Russ 7,119]

[msc 17,760]

An old meme, but I always thought 8 is an edit away from being a reasonable joke.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,132]

My mate was recently rushed to Hospital in agony after winning a 'Who can eat the most Brussel Sprouts' competition.

The Doctor said 'Thats the worst case of flatulence ive ever seen in my life!

'I will put you in a private room and we will keep the door shut.

'You will have to be put on an immediate diet of Kippers and Pancakes'

My mate asked 'Will the kippers and pancakes cure me?

'No' said the Doctor 'Its the only food we can fit under the door....'

 

I wont post here again..

[The Mad Hatter 1,091]

40 minutes ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said:

My mate was recently rushed to Hospital in agony after winning a 'Who can eat the most Brussel Sprouts' competition.

The Doctor said 'Thats the worst case of flatulence ive ever seen in my life!

'I will put you in a private room and we will keep the door shut.

'You will have to be put on an immediate diet of Kippers and Pancakes'

My mate asked 'Will the kippers and pancakes cure me?

'No' said the Doctor 'Its the only food we can fit under the door....'

 

I wont post here again..

13. That joke was as unfunny as when that old dude from around the corner died. 

[Joey Russ 7,119]

51 minutes ago, The Mad Hatter said:

13. That joke was as unfunny as when that old dude from around the corner died. 

It only works when it's actually on the list, and not added by another forum person.  

[YoungWillz 19,036]

Procurator Fiscal is investigating the affairs of Celtic Football Club.

 

They've had so much of the ball this season, they may very well face charges of possession.

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

14 hours ago, YoungWillz said:

Procurator Fiscal is investigating the affairs of Celtic Football Club.

 

They've had so much of the ball this season, they may very well face charges of possession.

 

 

Safe enough, mind - no intent to supply anyone other than their own need for glory

[Joey Russ 7,119]

I'm not sure if the linking is working sadly...

[The Mad Hatter 1,091]

Me: Doctor, I broke my arm in three places

Doctor: Well don't go to those places.

[Predictor 1,007]

Q: What do you get if you clone Deathray?

A: A popular deathpool run by MPFC

 

 

Cuz Deathrays sounds just like Deathrace. Ahahahahahahahaha.

 

Q: What does Pierre, the Quebecois devout Christian with an intense hatred for rivalling Islam say whenever he calls his half-sister, who lives in Ontario and only speaks English?

A: 'Ello? 'I sis, I love you! I 'ope to meet you soon.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,132]

On 5/3/2017 at 18:43, Joey Russ said:

I'm not sure if the linking is working sadly...

Not exactly relevant to the  thread but that writing reminds me of something.

Back in the 70s, as a Primary school pupil ( about 10 yrs old ) we had an American teacher visit our class,from Conneticutt.

 I can only assume it was something to do with how a multi cultural London school went about its business and spotting the differences with his own school.

Anyway, my teacher, who was utterly brilliant ( I named my daughter after her ) did the return visit and came back with a whole heap of letters from the US kids, the purpose being to set us up with pen friends.

Well, on seeing these letters, we kids were utterly horrified.

The writing was immaculate, perfectly structured, infact we all felt utterly embarrassed that we would have to write back with our crooked writing and barely legible words.

Well, with my bestest handwriting I wrote back, as we all did, me to a boy who loved animals, as I did, had pets, as I did and suchlike.

Weeks later an airmail letter arrived at London N22 which, when opened, shocked me even more.

The writing was appalling, he wrote a load of shite and I realised that I had fuck all to feel ashamed about.

The End.

[Deathray 2,933]

Just saw this gem on facebook

 

Chocolate lovin' Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it 
was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's 
Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, 
she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' 
she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her 
Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. 
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long 
before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. 
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a 
trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a 
scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! 
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly 
3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree 
had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[Dead Wait 1,096]

Iced gem?

[Joey Russ 7,119]

They missed a dot...

[Dead Wait 1,096]

Biggest cause of dry skin has been discovered...........

 

Towels

 

 

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

 

"Defiant runners take to Manchester's streets after arena bombing" Quite right, you won't believe how fast they ran when that bloke with the rucksack shouted "Allahu akbar!"

[maryportfuncity 10,013]

 

 

A man walks into a library and asks if there are any books about paranoia. The librarian says: "They're right behind you!"

[Pistol Knight 48]

A chap phones the emergency services........"My three year old son has just swallowed a condom"

Five minutes later he call them again............"It's alright, I've found another one"

[Dead Wait 1,096]

A man I know has just been killed by a steam train - he was chuffed to bits!

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

Just found out that I’m colourblind…

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.

 

 

[Perfect Passing 277]

The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go to work in the mine.  As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

 

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take them to the mine. 

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.  Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. 

'Hello. Hello!' she shouted.  'Can anyone hear me?  Hello!'  For a long while, there was no answer.  Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! is anyone down there?' 

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, "VOTE FOR Jeremy Corbyn!"  

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God!  At least Dopey is still alive!

[Perfect Passing 277]

Paddy, the Irish wrestler was set to square off for the Olympic gold medal against Ivan, the Russian champion.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, pinning him down and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!'

The Irishman answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could...'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really' answered Paddy, 'but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.'