The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted July 25, 2017 Roses are red The sun is bright. 24 minutes ago, BufordTJustice said: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted July 26, 2017 I put all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay Imagine all the PayPal 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted July 26, 2017 Oh aye, and... JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoe shine, He got toe jam football, He got monkey finger, He shoot Coca-Cola POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: What? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted July 29, 2017 How come they're no black power rangers? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted July 30, 2017 14 hours ago, The Mad Hatter said: How come they're no black power rangers? Under the "uniform" one of them might be. If you're not happy with that answer, ask Mr Mugabe. I'm sure the troll will have an answer. 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted July 31, 2017 I had a very weird dream last night. I was in a pub with 10cc and they needed a title for a new hits compilation. I suggested "Cremeliness Is Next To Godleyness". I was asked to leave. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,220 Posted August 7, 2017 A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!" 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted August 7, 2017 Just met a transvestite from Greater Manchester. She has a Wigan address. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,037 Posted August 7, 2017 Justin Gatlin booed at the Athletics World Championships. George Osborne wasn't available this time. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 13, 2017 What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right? Sir Tain (certain) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights? Sir Tificate (certificate) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles? Sir Veillance ( surveillance ) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end? Sir Vival (survival) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation? Sir Iasis (psoriasis) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food? Sir Acha (sriracha) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help? Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes? Sir Pent (serpent) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
drol 11,944 Posted August 13, 2017 31 minutes ago, BufordTJustice said: What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right? Sir Tain (certain) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights? Sir Tificate (certificate) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles? Sir Veillance ( surveillance ) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end? Sir Vival (survival) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation? Sir Iasis (psoriasis) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food? Sir Acha (sriracha) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help? Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes? Sir Pent (serpent) King Arthur's Greek knight? Sir Taki Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted August 13, 2017 I have always lived by the philosophy that if you have to explain a joke's punchline then it weren't funny in the first place. 4 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted August 13, 2017 15 minutes ago, Lard Bazaar said: I have always lived by the philosophy that if you have to explain a joke's punchline then it weren't funny in the first place. Indeed Lardy - sometimes you're doing them a favour obliging them to catch up Q - Who led the pedants revolt? A - Which Tyler 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted August 13, 2017 5 hours ago, BufordTJustice said: What was the name of King Arthur's knight that always thought he was right? Sir Tain (certain) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that recognized and acknowledged the achievements of the other knights? Sir Tificate (certificate) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that used to spy on other castles? Sir Veillance ( surveillance ) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the name of King Arthur's knight that who could live in the wilderness for many days on end? Sir Vival (survival) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights was prone to redness and irritation? Sir Iasis (psoriasis) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights enjoyed spicy food? Sir Acha (sriracha) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights were always willing to help? Sir Vent (servant) and Sir Vice (service) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Which of King Arthur's knights had the largest collection of snakes? Sir Pent (serpent) The same joke 8 times. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,136 Posted August 13, 2017 1 hour ago, Lard Bazaar said: I have always lived by the philosophy that if you have to explain a joke's punchline then it weren't funny in the first place. It was years before I got that one about the welder's mask. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 22, 2017 Why did the toilet-paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. What do you call a Mexican that lost his car? Carlos Why did the old lady fall into a hole? She couldn't see that well 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 23, 2017 “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.” Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted August 23, 2017 Was talking about Les Dawson at work today; some of his best one-liners: I said to the doctor can I have some sleeping pills for the wife. The doctor asked why; I said "she keeps waking up" Ours is a football marriage; we're always waiting for the other one to kick off. I keep pushing a pan scrub in the baby's face - i want to get him used to kissing his grandmother. The flabbiest stripper I've ever seen - she ran off the stage and started her own applause. I call the wife Treasure - well, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,037 Posted August 23, 2017 Had a carpet salesman who used to be a porn star round today. All he left me was underfelt. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 24, 2017 What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,220 Posted August 24, 2017 25 minutes ago, BufordTJustice said: What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels Already posted here by Dead Wait... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 26, 2017 I hate when people ask me where I will be in 3 years time I have to tell them I don't have 2020 vision 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
