Putin 423 Posted January 23, 2019 Why didn't Hitler get his driver license? - He was way to hard with the gas Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted January 23, 2019 1 hour ago, Putin said: Why didn't Hitler get his driver license? - He was way to hard with the gas Doesn't work here. We call it petrol. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted January 23, 2019 Vince Cable Biggest fucking joke of all. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted January 24, 2019 Jim Mike and Steve are playing golf, Jim tees off and slices it into the woods, so he heads off to find his ball . Mike also slices it into the woods and he heads into the trees . Steve smacks it right down the middle of the fairway. He waits and waits but there is no sign of his mates . He walks into the woods to find them bumming the arse off each other. He says "you pair of dirty bastards I didn't know you were gay" The Mike protested "no it's not what you think I came into the woods and found Jim unconscious my shot must have knocked him out and he wasn't breathing" Steve said "well you're supposed to give the kiss of life not bum him". Mike said "that's how it fucking started" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted January 24, 2019 I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified. This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummited he said "So how long have you been an instructor?" 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted January 24, 2019 Who has the most stressful job in a hospital The gynaecologists because they're always in a flap! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted January 25, 2019 2 hours ago, Paul Bearer said: where is DEATH Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted January 29, 2019 Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note. She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change." I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?" She sarcastically said " of course it would help" So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please!" "How much?" She asked I said "£18.97" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 1, 2019 I have been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. There is no cure. 1 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted February 2, 2019 If the Stalk is the bird of births then the bird of birth control must be the Swallow 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted February 2, 2019 44 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said: If the Stalk is the bird of births then the bird of birth control must be the Swallow Would it still be funny if you spelt the name of the bird correctly? Stork Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted February 2, 2019 Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted February 2, 2019 I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted February 2, 2019 I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted February 5, 2019 A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.” 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted February 5, 2019 A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.” 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted February 5, 2019 2 hours ago, runebomme said: A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.” I think this joke was on this thread earlier except that it was Myra Hindley was walking with the little boy (somewhat darker humour when real people become involved). Considering that we are on the 113th page of this thread I think we can excuse the occasional repeat. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Putin 423 Posted February 5, 2019 What does a frozen beer, a burned pizza and a pregnant woman have in common? -An idiot took it out to late. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,070 Posted February 6, 2019 Dair was a Cajun down South' Lewisana not long ago, an' he had twin horse--dass rare--an' he always was talkin about, "You know I Juan' cant tole dose horse apart, you know dat?" Well anodder Cajun wen' to see him an' say "I'm gonna he'p you. Less measure dem horse." "I done did dat." "Less do it ag'in. You don't know nothin'. I'm gonna he'p you r'at now." He say "Ho-kay," an bote of dem are 15 1/2 han's high in de dot. He say, "We can't tole 'em from dat. Bote de same high." He say, "What you better did is cut one o' dem tail--trim de tail." "Hell I did dat, an' de damn t'ing grow r'at back Avery time." "Well," he say, " trim dat mane hair." "I did dat too, an' damn t'ing kept growin' back." "Did you measure how long dry are, hanh?" "No, I never t'ought about dat. Less measure 'em r'at now." Well set measure 'em, an' one is jus 'zactly t'ree fourth' of a Han' longer den de odder. He say, "You see dair? Dass easy. Now you can tole dem twin apart from now on. An' de owner say, "You know, I always did t'ought dat black horse is longer den dat white one, you know dat?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted February 7, 2019 On 05/02/2019 at 23:35, Dr_T said: I think this joke was on this thread earlier except that it was Myra Hindley was walking with the little boy (somewhat darker humour when real people become involved). Considering that we are on the 113th page of this thread I think we can excuse the occasional repeat. also what makes the joke better/worst is that the man completely selfish as he is concerned about him getting back and shows no remorse Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
