runebomme 377 Posted November 2, 2020 What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing? 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Cornholio 902 Posted November 13, 2020 What's 30 feet long and smells like piss? Line dancing at the nursing home 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted November 13, 2020 Children in need will be without a live audience or telephone pledges this year. Like in our house every previous year, then. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted November 13, 2020 Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,597 Posted December 8, 2020 As selected by Gold The top 10 cracker jokes 1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas. 2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate! 3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled. 4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity. 5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen. 6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you. 7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn. 8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have. 9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread. 10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone. 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted December 9, 2020 Boris and Europe Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted December 22, 2020 The salesman said, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems." "Fuck that," I thought, "where am I supposed to find five people without any problems." 1 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,133 Posted December 29, 2020 2 hours ago, maryportfuncity said: and used to good purpose in recent days Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted December 29, 2020 Bunch of heartless cunts at Cash Converters, I was desperate for a fix and a White Lightening and they wouldn't buy the goods, in fact I got told, "Come in here again with your little girls wheelchair and we'll call the police. " Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted January 8, 2021 I just found a half frozen bird as I walked to my girlfriend's house so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival. When I showed her, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a bit of sex as she was in a good mood !! She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren". 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TQR 14,387 Posted January 9, 2021 PG Wodehouse: Very Good Jeeves 18 Wodehouse: Very Fucking Good Jeeves You Daft Cunt 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted January 11, 2021 "Hello librarian, have you got any books on---" "Telepathy?" "Yes." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted January 14, 2021 An Irishman is walking through customs with two big binbags, one over each shoulder and is pulled up. On examination Customs find the bags full of mobiles and ask him to explain. "Well you see,when i was on holiday my friend Seamus from Cork rang me and said he was starting up a jazz band and would i get him two saxophones" 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted January 14, 2021 Who said: "There's a sucker born every minute"? The inventor of the dummy tit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted January 16, 2021 A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d say about 29.’‘No, I’m 50.’ the woman replies with a big smile. Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a another shop on her way home. She goes up to the counter to and asks the assistant the same burning question. The assistant responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, ‘Madam, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘Oh bugger it, go on then" He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’. 1 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted January 25, 2021 Kiera Knightly rules out appearing in sex scenes directed by men So, we're banned from thinking about her when we wank, then!? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
