Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted January 27, 2023 A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Cornholio 902 Posted February 22, 2023 What animal has 5 legs? A pitbull returning from a playground 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted February 26, 2023 The next James Bond film will see 007 transition from a man to a woman. Cocktopussy 1 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Cornholio 902 Posted April 11, 2023 My arse hair is so long, it was in the Guinness book of world records ...not for long though as the library kicked me out 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RealityControl 2 Posted May 14, 2023 What's Lewis Hamilton short for? So he can fit in an F1 car 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted August 10, 2023 One-liner at work today Someone commented the hurricane-wind-driven wildfires and number of burns victims in Hawaii was particularly bad. Someone else said, "Yeah, I heard Marks and Sparks were doing well out there at the moment!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted October 1, 2023 I see the environmental activist, Swampy died of a heart attack. He refused to have a bypass. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Cornholio 902 Posted October 4, 2023 What did the homeless guy get for Christmas? Very hungry Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted November 8, 2023 A vegetarian and a vegan hurl themselves off a suspension bridge - who wins? - the rest of us! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted May 1 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun." Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f*cking bitch stole ma wallet. 12 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted May 25 A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dead Wait 1,146 Posted May 27 Our window cleaner told me that whenever he calls to collect his money my wife opens the door in her nightie. “That’s a strange place to have a door”, I replied. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted July 19 Was gonna treat myself to a pack of Nik Naks but I think I’ll leave it...... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted July 19 36 minutes ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said: Was gonna treat myself to a pack of Nik Naks but I think I’ll leave it...... I’ve probably said this before but I would definitely let him discharge his weapon into me five times. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Redrumours 861 Posted July 31 Sorry if it's already on here. Fred Dead,who spent his whole lifetime explaining to people his surname was pronounced "Deed",got run over by a bus on his local high street. He Was unfortunately pronounced Dead at the scene. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Redrumours 861 Posted August 16 9 hours ago, En Passant said: Welcome to Royston Vasey. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
