Jump to content

Recommended Posts

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughters school concert.

  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What animal has 5 legs?

 

A pitbull returning from a playground

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The next James Bond film will see 007 transition from a man to a woman. Cocktopussy

  • Like 1
  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My arse hair is so long, it was in the Guinness book of world records

 

...not for long though as the library kicked me out

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

  • Haha 1
  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IMG_6259.jpeg

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One-liner at work today

 

Someone commented the hurricane-wind-driven wildfires and number of burns victims in Hawaii was particularly bad. 

 

Someone else said, "Yeah, I heard Marks and Sparks were doing well out there at the moment!"

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I see the environmental activist, Swampy died of a heart attack. He refused to have a bypass.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What did the homeless guy get for Christmas?

 

Very hungry

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A vegetarian and  a vegan hurl themselves off a suspension bridge - who wins?

 

 

- the rest of us!

  • Shocked 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun." Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f*cking bitch stole ma wallet.

  • Haha 12

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden.

  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

GOhgCJbWcAAHB_X.jpg

  • Haha 3
  • Shocked 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Our window cleaner told me that whenever he calls to collect his money my wife opens the door in her nightie.
“That’s a strange place to have a door”, I replied.
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1397190741_Wowproductions.jpg.f34f38eb83d76dc5a703506b2380e31c.jpg

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Was gonna treat myself to a pack of Nik Naks but I think I’ll leave it......

 

GS367uJXMAAvzCf.jpg

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
36 minutes ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said:

Was gonna treat myself to a pack of Nik Naks but I think I’ll leave it......

 

GS367uJXMAAvzCf.jpg

I’ve probably said this before but I would definitely let him discharge his weapon into me five times. 

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

829168034_flatearth.thumb.jpg.f47d44db463ac1ba7ce7bfc41785431c.jpg

  • Like 1
  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

653237408_WhatsAppImage2024-07-31at18_20.12_8ebb84fc.thumb.jpg.173334e3c062a5b83249b18ac498187b.jpg

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if it's already on here.

Fred Dead,who spent his whole lifetime explaining to people his surname was pronounced "Deed",got run over by a bus on his local high street.

He Was unfortunately  pronounced Dead at the scene.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Doctor scrawl.jpg

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, En Passant said:

Doctor scrawl.jpg

Welcome to Royston Vasey.:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×

Important Information

Your use of this forum is subject to our Terms of Use