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14 hours ago, Paul Bearer said:

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With the Gatwick drone incident passing 24 hours police have begun working on the theory it's simply a woman trying to land the fucking thing

 

 

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An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

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If you are born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

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Went out with Young Maryport and saw Jerry Sadowitz (again) last night. Funny and sick as fuck, absolute side-splitter rattling through the gags so fast it's hard to recall them but, a few that might come over in a post...

 

He pulls two black cards from different suits from the pack and says; "That's my impression of Tiger Woods - a spade with a club"

 

"Making upskirting a crime is just wrong. For fuck's sake, it's victimless; that's the whole fucking point. And, if you do get caught, the shame is enough - no need for more punishment"

 

Ruth Davidson...somewhere in Scotland there is a pig with two apples in its mouth.

 

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Currently my favourite twiiter account

 

Kids Write Jokes - https://twitter.com/KidsWriteJokes

 

Some classic jokes include :-

why did the chicken sat on her eggs?     because she doesn't have a chair

why did the dog miss work?    because it was dead

why did the cat cross the road?    to live in the in the sewers like a giant snake

 
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I used to disapprove of organ transplants..... But then I had a change of heart. 

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Why didn't Hitler get his driver license?

- He was way to hard with the gas

 

 

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1 hour ago, Putin said:

Why didn't Hitler get his driver license?

- He was way to hard with the gas

 

 

Doesn't work here.

We call it petrol.

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168.png

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Jim Mike and Steve are playing golf, Jim tees off and slices it into the woods, so he heads off to find his ball . Mike also slices it into the woods and he heads into the trees . Steve smacks it right down the middle of the fairway. He waits and waits but there is no sign of his mates . He walks into the woods to find them bumming the arse off each other. He says "you pair of dirty bastards I didn't know you were gay" The Mike protested "no it's not what you think I came into the woods and found Jim unconscious my shot must have knocked him out and he wasn't breathing" Steve said "well you're supposed to give the kiss of life not bum him". Mike said "that's how it fucking started"

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I had my first parachute jump today and I was terrified. This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummited he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

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Who has the most stressful job in a hospital

 

The gynaecologists because they're always in a flap!

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2 hours ago, Paul Bearer said:

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where is DEATH

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Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note. She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change." I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?" She sarcastically said " of course it would help" So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please!" "How much?" She asked I said "£18.97"

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I have been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

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If the Stalk is the bird of births then the bird of birth control must be the Swallow

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44 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

If the Stalk is the bird of births then the bird of birth control must be the Swallow

Would it still be funny if you spelt the name of the bird correctly?

 

Stork

StorkBaby600x455_0.jpg

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Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

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