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You're really disgusting when you drink too much!

 

But why would that make my shins hurt?

 

Because I couldn't get my foot high enough to kick you in the teeth!

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A mate of mine is shagging twins. I asked him, "How do you tell them apart?" He replied, "Well, Mary has massive tits and Bob's got a beard...

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

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18 hours ago, Paul Bearer said:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

 

The story has a happy end with Karma, The Members of Parliament had given no notice and had not booked. There were more than six of them and they were not all wearing masks. Only Boris was allowed to stay and he got a decent Haircut.

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The first person who heard a parrot speak was probably not OK for several days.

The fist person to eat fish eggs raw would not believe what they sell for now.

 

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With 2nd lockdown looming, I saw a man coming out of the shops with 8 cases of San Miguel, 10 paellas and 4 sombreros.

 

I think Hispanic buying.

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Does a railway worker have to be trained?

 

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jokeone.jpg

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121702744_3889643714398265_3020192519275

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On 04/10/2020 at 14:31, Wee Jum said:

joke.jpg

It's not proper fish you get at the chippy these days

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On 15/10/2020 at 22:37, Wee Jum said:

jokeone.jpg

 

Verne Jay Troyer  "you feel tall when you drink"

 

sad death though

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What do you call a scotsman who's shit at oral sex? cannae-lingus

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33 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

What do you call a scotsman who's shit at oral sex? cannae-lingus

Hamish D'Byaninch.

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25 minutes ago, En Passant said:

Hamish D'Byaninch.

 

 

Aye, I believe that's a direct quote from the famous cloakroom attendant - Angus McCoatup

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8 hours ago, maryportfuncity said:

 

 

Aye, I believe that's a direct quote from the famous cloakroom attendant - Angus McCoatup

I’m just waiting to meet Phil McCrackin.

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6 minutes ago, Lard Bazaar said:

I’m just waiting to meet Phil McCrackin.

 

 

I know his gay mates, Ben Doone and Phil McCavity

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28 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

I know his gay mates, Ben Doone and Phil McCavity

 

And then there's the Irish couple, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

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7 minutes ago, Toast said:

 

And then there's the Irish couple, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Now you are just being silly, aren't you. :D

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I bumped into that rubbish sniper yesterday, Rick O’Shay.

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10 hours ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said:

Now you are just being silly, aren't you. :D

 

 

Aye, well...

 

Let's take it somewhere else like a consideration of real and highly unfortunate names - Anurag Dikshit, Mike Litoris and 58 others linked below

 

https://theawesomedaily.com/50-funny-names-that-are-so-unfortunate-theyre-actually-genius/

 

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Chris:
How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?

Teddy:
Hey, I'm French, all right?

Chris:
Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.

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clocks.jpg.26449772467111b5b6796e9ffe0cb399.jpg

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1110115054_BorisFood.jpg.e9f981b23706a43b19b2404ff08ecb38.jpg

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An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”

The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”

“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”

This time the Englishman is really mad!

“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.

“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
have willies.”

“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.

“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”

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My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change!”

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