Leaderboard

You mean you're pressing "F5" on the National Enquirer front page?

So in true fucking shit-rag style, the sensational headline turns out to be bollocks and it's not cancer at all. I fucking HATE newspapers, the low-life fucking scum-nuggets. In other news, in another report I read that his new wife is 'in her 40s'. If that's true, then I'm a 19 year old, 7 stone Swedish nympho.* She's 65 if she's a day. *25% of that statement is actually true.

Uh yeah it's about the fucking fact that it's thanks to fucking "people" like him, everything on TV now is just a wank-arse panel show or "Live At the Apollo" with the same 10 or 12 shitty "comedians" in absolutely everyfuckingthing. Firstly, "everything on TV" is not just "wank-arse panel shows". Ripper Street, Downton Abbey, Dr Who, X-Factor, Strictly Come Dancing, Peaky Blinders, Broadchurch? Wank-arse panels shows? All just so that some middle aged New Labour ponce can line his pockets with DVD sales/BBC money. No, not "just because some middle aged New Labour ponce can line his pockets", but because for reasons you or I may not understand, these are popular. Surely you don't imagine that someone can line their pockets producing DVDs that nobody wants? It must be all his fault, of course, one man amongst 60million others if you read other articles, all the junior cockroaches are squawking/squeaking (whatever noise a cockroach makes) about how he "modernised the business" he did, you're right , i.e. he hypnotised bazillions of snotty little suburban cunts how did he do that then? into worshipping Dara O'Fucking Briain as a "legend" do they? does anyone?, and all the other things that are about as appealling and fresh as a bag of fortnight-old camel jizz. I bet the gormless cunt never spent a penny of his millions in a creative or interesting way, either Maybe, I don't know. Do you?. You should see some of the stunts I would pull if I had £50m. I was gonna say "he probably just spent it on coke and whores" but I bet he wasn't even that interesting. Maybe not, but he did start the Brighton comedy Festival amd raised money through the C4 Comedy Gala for Great Ormond Street Hospital. Probably just fucking bought a corporate box ticket to the Emirates or whatfuckingever and buying autographed pictures of John Terry off ebay. Are you a Spurs or Fulham fan perchance? Gormless, fucking Nu Lab CUNT. ...and a tory? Oh he also managed Marcus Brigstocke, that alone should have earned him a place at the next Nuremberg trials. Yes, he's a modern day Eirch Priebke. Are you a failed comedian or agent?

Well, it's even bad enough that BBC just did a brief report on it. And usually they are filled with thinly-veiled contempt for America and would never bother covering something unless it was Katrina-esque. Whenever I hear of bad weather in places like Texas, I'm so confused. I just don't fucking understand how a place that is so normally associated with scorching hot deserts filled with fucking rattlesnakes and shit like that can get such icy death-weather just because it's December. It's one of those things that will always be a mystery to me, like...... how people find American football entertaining, and other stuff like that. I don't have an answer for the football, but I can answer the weather question. North Texas is in a part of the US called the Great Plains. This area of the world has the highest instance of violent weather in the world. Convection is fed by the warm, humid air rising from the Gulf of Mexico combined with a large variance in temperature with altitude. Adding in a high propensity for wind shear driven by high pressure systems to the east, lift from upper level troughs and the air that comes off the Rockies and large,powerful, unstable thunderstorms will produce hail and tornadoes in the spring. Large ice storms in the winter and compounded by large cold fronts that come down from Canada with absolutely nothing to stop them. When the circumstances are perfect, which they are sometimes, these cold fronts hit the moisture from the Gulf of Mexico and ice storms result. If we are really super duper lucky, we get ones like we had this month. In the summer, a high pressure system will descend on this part of the country and basically park. These systems remain intact for months, stopping all other weather systems from coming in. Temperatures rise. And rise. And rise some more. And the total lack of movement in the air does all kinds of wonderful things with the pollution. And then there's El Nino. TL;DR - Texas has the perfect geographic location to be tornadoed, hurricaned, blown around, hailed and iced to death. We love it. Except when we don't.

Uh yeah it's about the fucking fact that it's thanks to fucking "people" like him, everything on TV now is just a wank-arse panel show or "Live At the Apollo" with the same 10 or 12 shitty "comedians" in absolutely everyfuckingthing. All just so that some middle aged New Labour ponce can line his pockets with DVD sales/BBC money. It must be all his fault, if you read other articles, all the junior cockroaches are squawking/squeaking (whatever noise a cockroach makes) about how he "modernised the business", i.e. he hypnotised bazillions of snotty little suburban cunts into worshipping Dara O'Fucking Briain as a "legend", and all the other things that are about as appealling and fresh as a bag of fortnight-old camel jizz. I bet the gormless cunt never spent a penny of his millions in a creative or interesting way, either. You should see some of the stunts I would pull if I had £50m. I was gonna say "he probably just spent it on coke and whores" but I bet he wasn't even that interesting. Probably just fucking bought a corporate box ticket to the Emirates or whatfuckingever and buying autographed pictures of John Terry off ebay. Gormless, fucking Nu Lab CUNT. Oh he also managed Marcus Brigstocke, that alone should have earned him a place at the next Nuremberg trials.

At the risk of being quoted in a few months with mocking laughter, his voice sounds stronger than it did a few months back, and I'm reminded of Bobby Heenan, who has looked ghastly for years now. Terminal, yes, but in years rather than months - I think he'll see 2015.

Yesterday was on Start The Week with Andrew Marr (Radio 4). BBC have kindly posted a picture. Anyone who hasn't picked him for 2014 can think again after that.

Oh, no, I'm in fucking tears! Tears of laughter that is, probably one of the few times I've laughed at anything he's been involved with. http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2013/12/23/19323/top_agent_addison_cresswell_dies_at_53 Just look at his fucking resume, in a sane society this kind of stuff would be listed underneath his face/mugshot on an FBI-type most-wanted list: Haha what a cringe-tastic mockney cunt. Good riddance.

Christmas, I loathe it and despise its disciples who worship at the temples of consumerism and preach vacuous sentimentality. I have sent not a single card nor bought a single gift, no decorations adorn my abode. The cult of Christmas can get fucked.

Agreed. Awesome deadpooling, Spade. It may take a long time for the record of 15 to be broken.

I think Ronnie Biggs should stay at the top. I think Ronnie should go to number zero, just to let him stay around forever.

I got one, I bloody got one!!!!!!!!

Excuse my ignorance but who or what is MPFC please? Remind me, which one of my 17 ex-wives are you?

Gudrun Ure seemed ancient when I was a kid. Turns out she was only in her late 50s when she played SuperGran. She'd be a good substitute for Clive Dunn and having SuperGran on the list would be fun pick.

Sam Simon , Wilko Johnson , Valerie Harper and Liz Dawn should all definately be added . I would suggest also that Nicholas Parsons , Stan Lee, Pete Seeger and Henry Kissenger should be omitted from next years list as all are still active .Definitely keep Billy Graham , Mikhail Kalashnikov , General Jaruzelski and Zsa Zsa Gabor though!

The way cucumber is packaged. The skin-tight cellophane jacket that I can't seem to be able to remove without resorting to violence. DWB [i should say it's the cucumber wearing the jacket not me, someone was bound to be a smart-arse otherwise!]

Weather forecasters who insist on giving their opinions about the weather. They may find sunny weather "glorious" but not everybody likes it, just give me the facts not your sodding views.

Pan pipes. And the people that play pan pipes. Especially the people that play pan pipes in shopping centres. And especially the bonebrained buffoons that stand around watching the people that play pan pipes in shopping centres. Just stop it. Please.