A Joke

[scsibear 4]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

 

1). Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2). There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3). There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4). Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5). Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6). We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7). The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8). David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9). When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10). We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11). When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.

12). The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

13). The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14). Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

 

regards

scsi

[Windsor 2,233]

I saw this and I thought of Bou.

 

PS. Not saying you are Scum - just the whole Jeremy Kyle thing.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Why is the British weather like the Islamic faith?

 

Cos sometimes it's sunny and sometimes it's shite.

 

 

It's coats on, then.

[Windsor 2,233]

This has got to be a joke. Hasn't it?

[Star Crossed 33]

This has got to be a joke. Hasn't it?

From that same idiotic-scouser-related article, a classic piece of schoolboy graffiti on the newspaper...

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

This has got to be a joke. Hasn't it?

 

Not as joke as far as I'm aware since the thick git is now within the criminal justice system being made sorry for his jaw dropping stupidity.

[Paul Bearer 6,100]

This young man finally gets a date with a beautiful woman in

one of his university classes. But she tells him that before they can

go on a date he has to come over and have dinner with her family.

Well the young man isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too

gorgeous to refuse.

 

The rest of the day the young man worries and frets. He gets so

worried that he starts to build up alot of gas. But he makes it to

her house and is invited inside.

 

The dinner was excellent and afterwards the young womans' father

starts to read the paper. The young mans gas has built to a level

that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little

fart go...

 

Phtt..... The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says,

"Spot...". The young man looks around confused by this comment and

spies an old sheepdog behind his chair. Great, the young man thinks,

the old man must think the dog is doing it!! So he decides to let a

bigger fart go...

 

PhhhTTTT.... The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his

paper, "SPOT!...," he says in an annoyed tone. The young man feels

much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the

gas...

 

PPPPHHHHTTTTPOW!!!!! The father rips his glasses off and throws the

paper to the floor,

 

"SPOT YOU DEAF BAG OF FUR...GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE HE SH*TS

ON YOU!"

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,684]

Never one to shy away from the serious issues that affect our world, here is my contribution to the Burmese monks debate, courtesy of the Onion:

 

MONK GLOATS OVER YOGA CHAMPIONSHIP

'I am the serenest!' he says.

 

 

LHASA, TIBET - Employing the brash style that first brought him to prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikudasi won the fifth annual International Yogi Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6.

 

"I am the serenest!" Bikudasi shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000 yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. "No one is serener than Sri Dhananjai Bikudasi - I am the greatest monk of all time!"

 

Bikudasi averaged 1.89 breaths a minute during the two-hour competition, nearly .3 fewer than his nearest competitor, second-place finisher and two-time champion Sri Salil "The Hammer" Gupta.

The heavily favored Gupta was upset after the loss. "I should be able to beat that guy with one lung tied," Gupta said. "I'm beside myself right now, and I don't mean trans-bodily."

 

Bikudasi got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained total consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes, 34 seconds, and set the tone for the rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, "I'm blissful! You blissful?! I'm blissful!" to the other yogis.

 

Bikudasi, 33, burst onto the international yoga scene with a gold-mandala performance at the 1994 Bhutan Invitational. At that competition he premiered his aggressive style, at one point in the flexibility event sticking his middle toes out at the other yogis. While no prohibition exists against such behavior, according to Yoga League Commissioner Swami Prabhupada, such behavior is generally considered "unBuddhalike."

"I don't care what the critics say," Bikudasi said. "Sri Bikudasi is just gonna go out there and do Sri Bikudasi's own yoga thing."

 

Before the Bhutan meet, Bikudasi had never placed better than fourth. Many said he had forsaken rigorous training for the celebrity status accorded by his Bhutan win, endorsing Nike's new line of prayer mats and supposedly dating the Hindu goddess Shakti. But his performance this week will regain for him the number one computer ranking and earn him new respect, as well as for his coach Mahananda Vasti, the controversial guru some have called Bikudasi's "guru."

"My special training diet for Bikudasi of one super-charged, carbo-loaded grain of rice per day was essential to his win," Vasti said.

 

The defeated Gupta denied that Bikudasi's taunting was a factor in his inability to attain TC. "I just wasn't myself today," Gupta commented. "I wasn't any self today. I was an egoless particle of the universal no-soul."

 

In the second event, flexibility, Bikudasi maintained the lead by supporting himself on his index fingers for the entire 15 minutes while touching the back of his skull to his lower spine. The feat was matched by Gupta, who first used the position at the 1990 Tokyo Zen-Off.

"That's my meditative position of spiritual ecstasy, not his," remarked Gupta. "He stole my thunder."

Bikudasi denied the charge, saying, "Gupta's been talking like that ever since he was a 3rd century Egyptian slave-owner."

Nevertheless, a strong showing by Gupta in the third event, the shotput, placed him within a lotus petal of the lead at the competition's halfway point.

 

But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles known as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikudasi.

The koan had long been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal, but his response to today's riddle - "Show me the face you had before you were born" - was reportedly "extremely illuminative," according to Commissioner Prabhupada.

While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing the uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders claim his answer had Prabhupada and the two other judges "highly enlightened."

 

With the event victory, Bikudasi built himself a nearly insurmountable lead, one he sustained through the yak-milk churn and breathing events to come away with the upset victory.

[Godot 149]

A banana and an orange go up to a bar and the banana says: "Your round."

[Banshees Scream 110]

A gentleman and a flirtatious woman walk into a bar.

He says 'how much'

She says 'what do you cost?

He says 'I'm married'

She says 'three drinks and a six month plan'

He says 'six drinks and tomorrow I'll lose your number'

She says 'how can you lose what you have never had?'

He says 'But I've had it a thousand times'

She says 'that's a lot of sheets to be washing'

He says 'I leave it all up to my wife'

She says ' The ideal marriage!'

He says ' It just didn't last very long'

She says ' Your quick and big?'

He says 'I'm short and slow as you can see'

She says 'My god I'm so blind'

He says 'But I thought they only had SPAM for men?

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,684]

A gentleman and a flirtatious woman walk into a bar.

He says 'how much'

She says 'what do you cost?

He says 'I'm married'

She says 'three drinks and a six month plan'

He says 'six drinks and tomorrow I'll lose your number'

She says 'how can you lose what you have never had?'

He says 'But I've had it a thousand times'

She says 'that's a lot of sheets to be washing'

He says 'I leave it all up to my wife'

She says ' The ideal marriage!'

He says ' It just didn't last very long'

She says ' Your quick and big?'

He says 'I'm short and slow as you can see'

She says 'My god I'm so blind'

He says 'But I thought they only had SPAM for men?

 

[Star Crossed 33]

A gentleman and a flirtatious woman walk into a bar. ... He says 'But I thought they only had SPAM for men?

That sh*t, let's not call it a joke, is so bad that it deserves a forum of its own, where people can log on and heap abuse on it. It's so bad, my pc actually discharged a cloud of foul vapour as soon as I clicked on "View This Post".

 

nice emoticon, btw, 'arry.

[Banshees Scream 110]

It wasn't meant to be funny. My jokes that I usually post 'In here' are not meant for laughs. That's not exactly my motive.

 

If you want 'drop dead hilarious' one liners no problem. (I'll write it down) The definition of that post is two people who 'are not' on the same page. It gets to the point where 'the woman' feels she can't figure out nothing and the guy is going with a conversation that he has 'upside down'. Neither of them realize - Meanwhile they are still communicating.

 

It's just a little glimpse into my world.

[Madame Defarge 21]

my pc actually discharged a cloud of foul vapour as soon as I clicked on "View This Post".

 

Is that another enhancement Firefox offers it's users? I'm glad you let me know before I installed it.

[Banshees Scream 110]

Talk about whoring ..... Holler Star Crossed. Let me take a browse. (Seriously how random was that thread'

[Windsor 2,233]

It wasn't meant to be funny.

 

So it wasn't a joke?

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Dont know if this one should be on the Footy thread.

A woman visits her Doctor.

 

"Doctor, the strangest thing is happening to me.

"Everytime I have sex my Fanny lets out a massive gust of wind and Im certain it is saying "West Ham are a top six side"!

 

Doctor:"'It's nothing to worry about madam. I've heard alot of c***s say that".

[Youth in Asia 1,086]

A gentleman and a flirtatious woman walk into a bar.

He says 'how much'

She says 'what do you cost?

He says 'I'm married'

She says 'three drinks and a six month plan'

He says 'six drinks and tomorrow I'll lose your number'

She says 'how can you lose what you have never had?'

He says 'But I've had it a thousand times'

She says 'that's a lot of sheets to be washing'

He says 'I leave it all up to my wife'

She says ' The ideal marriage!'

He says ' It just didn't last very long'

She says ' Your quick and big?'

He says 'I'm short and slow as you can see'

She says 'My god I'm so blind'

He says 'But I thought they only had SPAM for men?

 

what the ???

 

came here for a joke, found a pile of sh*t

[The Pooka 26]

A gentleman and a flirtatious woman walk into a bar.

He says 'how much'

She says 'what do you cost?

He says 'I'm married'

She says 'three drinks and a six month plan'

He says 'six drinks and tomorrow I'll lose your number'

She says 'how can you lose what you have never had?'

He says 'But I've had it a thousand times'

She says 'that's a lot of sheets to be washing'

He says 'I leave it all up to my wife'

She says ' The ideal marriage!'

He says ' It just didn't last very long'

She says ' Your quick and big?'

He says 'I'm short and slow as you can see'

She says 'My god I'm so blind'

He says 'But I thought they only had SPAM for men?

 

Just when I lose faith in you Banshee's you come up with this. Like good modern art we are prompted to ask can anything be taken at face value. Its a joke because its styled as one. Yet its not a joke as its not funny. But by being so unfunny it has made me laugh. So its a joke ............ Sheer Genius BS.

 

PS.. Knock knock

 

Who's there

 

Burt

 

Burt who?

 

 

 

Burt Lancaster.

[Banshees Scream 110]

War justifies the cruelty of human beings

 

What else does war justify?

 

It justifies decisions made by men who went to school much too often.

[Windsor 2,233]

War justifies the cruelty of human beings

 

What else does war justify?

 

It justifies decisions made by men who went to school much too often.

 

Two false statements in one, Banshees. Not bad.

[The Pooka 26]

War justifies the cruelty of human beings

 

What else does war justify?

 

It justifies decisions made by men who went to school much too often.

 

Enough with the jokes Banshee's ............. you're killing me!

[One shot Paddy 1,205]

A wonan goes to buy a parrot. The Parrots are ?100, ?200 and ?15. She asks why the last one is so cheap. The shopkeeper says, "Because he used to live in a Brothel." The women doesn't mind and buys it at ?15. When she gets home, the parrot says, "f**k me, a new Brothel!" The women finds it funny. When her daughters gets home, the parrot says, "f**k me, two new Prozzies!" The daughters find it funny too. When the dad gets home, the parrot says, "f**k me, JOHN, haven't seen you for weeks!!!"

[Emily the Strange 2]

I shall apologise ahead of time.... It's a long one:

 

50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".
   
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
   
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
   
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
   
5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
   
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
   
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
   
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
   
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
   
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
    
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
    
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
    
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
    
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
    
15. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
    
16. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
    
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
    
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
    
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
    
20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.
    
21. "It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back.
    
22. "I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
    
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
    
24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
    
25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
    
26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
    
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
    
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
    
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
    
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
    
31. Sirius Black is not #24601.
    
32. I will not lick Trevor.
    
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
    
34. I am not being repressed.
    
35. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
    
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
    
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
    
38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
    
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
    
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
    
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
    
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
    
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
    
44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
    
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
    
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
    
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
    
48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
    
49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
    
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
    

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

Straight over my head, that one. Over to room 101 for me....