A Joke

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Man buys his wife a little car for Christmas.

 

"That's no good" she says, "I want something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds!"

 

Man hands her a set of scales and says "Stand on those then, you fat bitch."

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

An oldie, but a good 'un

 

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[themaninblack 2,112]

An oldie, but a good 'un

 

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

 

Copyright Spike Milligan c.1960...

[Toast 16,140]

Another old favourite ....

 

A man saw an ad in the paper for pills that make you fifty years younger. Since he was approaching middle age, he sent off for some. But before the pills arrived, he went away on holiday.

 

When he got back after the holiday he was met at the airport by a very attractive young woman with a baby in a buggy.

 

“Who are you?” he asked.

 

"I'm your mother,” she replied.

 

He said, "You can't be my mother, my mother's an old woman."

 

“I am your mother,” she said. “I took one of those pills you sent away for. You know, the ones that are supposed to make you fifty years younger."

 

“My God, that’s incredible,” he said. "And who’s this in the baby buggy?"

 

"Oh, that’s your father. He took two."

[Lady Grendel 139]

It's Burns night in Scotland so I found some really crappy Scottish jokes ( I fear perhaps only HCW will get most of them!):

 

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

 

Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

 

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

 

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

 

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

 

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

 

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

 

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

 

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

Good 'uns in there LG, quite a few I hadn't heard before

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Belated Burns night joke:

 

Q - Why do scotsmen have blue penises?

 

A - Cos they're tight-fisted w**nkers!

 

You can see Scotland very clearly from Maryport you know.

[Monoclinic 39]

You can see Scotland very clearly from Maryport you know.

 

Surely that must only be on a good day? Rumour has it that it is grim up north

[themaninblack 2,112]

Belated Burns night joke:

 

Q - Why do scotsmen have blue penises?

 

A - Cos they're tight-fisted w**nkers!

 

You can see Scotland very clearly from Maryport you know.

 

[Tuber Mirum 125]

Belated Burns night joke:

 

Q - Why do scotsmen have blue penises?

 

A - Cos they're tight-fisted w**nkers!

 

You can see Scotland very clearly from Maryport you know.

Ha, f****n' ha.

[honez 79]

Why did the Geordie want to marry a Panda?

Because no-one would see the black eyes.

 

(and he could shag a Panda)

[Windsor 2,233]

Belated Burns night joke:

 

Q - Why do scotsmen have blue penises?

 

A - Cos they're tight-fisted w**nkers!

 

You can see Scotland very clearly from Maryport you know.

 

If I were a Scottish Nationalist, I'd probably be saying something about oil revenues right about now...

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

--------------------------------------------------------

Whats black and white and goes to bed hungry?

 

heath ledgers cat.

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and this joke?

 

Heath Ledger won't get buried in ten minutes.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

'Will these sleeping tablets work, doc' said Heath Ledger.

'Yep son,' said the doc,' you'll be dead to the world in no time.

[Alphonsin 1]

--------------------------------------------------------

Whats black and white and goes to bed hungry?

 

heath ledgers cat.

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and this joke?

 

Heath Ledger won't get buried in ten minutes.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

'Will these sleeping tablets work, doc' said Heath Ledger.

'Yep son,' said the doc,' you'll be dead to the world in no time.

 

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Madeleine McCann?

Heath wasn't supposed to take the whole bottle's worth.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

An irish farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an Englishman are all fighting on a beach when the stumble across a lamp, a genie appears and offers them each a wish.

The Irishman wishes for all the land in ireland to be forever fertile, in a flash its done.

Bin Laden is amazed, I want a wall around all Halibut countries so no western infidels can enter our precious lands, in a flash a great wall appears.

The Englishman looks at the genie and asks to know more about the wall, the genie tells him its 500 foot tall and 500 foot thick nothings geting in and nothings getting out. The Englishman sits back sparks up a Hamlet and smiles . . . . . Fill it with water !!

[Phantom 2,533]

An irish farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an Englishman are all fighting on a beach when the stumble across a lamp, a genie appears and offers them each a wish.

The Irishman wishes for all the land in ireland to be forever fertile, in a flash its done.

Bin Laden is amazed, I want a wall around all Halibut countries so no western infidels can enter our precious lands, in a flash a great wall appears.

The Englishman looks at the genie and asks to know more about the wall, the genie tells him its 500 foot tall and 500 foot thick nothings geting in and nothings getting out. The Englishman sits back sparks up a Hamlet and smiles . . . . . Fill it with water !!

 

reminds me of this joke

[Phantom 2,533]

The disturbing thing is that I'm not joking. I've got to work with her tomorrow...

Tell her you want to show her how we make babies... and that yes, men's thingies *are* usually shaped like that.

 

Athough she is naive with regard to what a fallopian tube is, she knows all about what her other bits do.

 

On another occassion, when her then work mate was sating that she would never do anal because it would hurt, she piped up to say "Its not all that bad actually".

 

She has been taken advantage of several times by men old enough to be her father. She is a country lass you see. If you have a car, you are a millionaire to her.

 

It's a shame really.

 

Windsor,

 

She sounds like a guy we used to have working for us who was on day release from college.

We would send him to the store for a can of ovaries.

[Windsor 2,233]

An irish farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an Englishman are all fighting on a beach when the stumble across a lamp, a genie appears and offers them each a wish.

The Irishman wishes for all the land in ireland to be forever fertile, in a flash its done.

Bin Laden is amazed, I want a wall around all Halibut countries so no western infidels can enter our precious lands, in a flash a great wall appears.

The Englishman looks at the genie and asks to know more about the wall, the genie tells him its 500 foot tall and 500 foot thick nothings geting in and nothings getting out. The Englishman sits back sparks up a Hamlet and smiles . . . . . Fill it with water !!

 

reminds me of this joke

 

It also reminds me of a joke I heard. Although the wall was around England, and it was the Scotsman who had it filled with water.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Q - Why is Stevie Wonder called Stevie Wonder?

 

A - Because he's always wondering where he is.

[Phantom 2,533]

Q - Why is Stevie Wonder called Stevie Wonder?

 

A - Because he's always wondering where he is.

 

I thought it was because he was 12 when he impressed Berry Gordy with his musical talent that Berry nicknamed him Little Stevie Wonder

[Phantom 2,533]

While I was browsing around my local Menards store the other day, I saw a load of t-shirts that had "Proud to be an American" written on the front. That tag inside said "Made in Israel"

[honez 79]

I bought my wife a bag and matching belt for Valentine's Day.

Now she can fix the damn hoover.

[Gunjaman5000 30]

Q - Why is Stevie Wonder called Stevie Wonder?

 

A - Because he's always wondering where he is.

 

I thought it was because he was 12 when he impressed Berry Gordy with his musical talent that Berry nicknamed him Little Stevie Wonder

I don't get it.

[Banshees Scream 110]

This is a true story and it's probably the most scared that I have ever been in my entire life.

 

This is a drug story. But I'm clean now.

 

 

Geovanni said he would be over in 20 minutes.

 

It was probably four or five years ago. Any dealer that says he will be over in twenty minutes is like a jack pot find 'Some of you know that'...... reliability at it's finest. I'm in a suburban neighborhood now with a couple of my friends and we are already really high and on top of that I took like four or five Vikiden so the thought of getting in a car with somebody else driving was not really what I had in mind. We had to meet him, but I wasn't going by car. So I was like 'f**k you guys' 'and f**k you too' (When you are as high as I was, you think you can do anything)

 

So I said 'I'm walking' and that's exactly what I did. I also had no idea where I was going but it was 85 degrees out and it was one of those highs where 'Everybody you see, is everybody you know' and out of nowhere I see this guy walking on somebody's lawn and from there he went to another guys house only he was going by their door. So I'm saying to myself 'this asshole is vandalizing property, this guys trying to break in!' So I took my cell phone out and dialed 9 - 11.

 

I told the operator 'The guy has brown hair, 5'10\5'11 \black shirt ex ex. Right after I get off the phone I happen to see this huge truck thirty five feet from me and on the side of it in big letters it read 'UPS" ... it was the f****n mailman! Then I realize O my god.. 'I have brown hair. I'm wearing a black shirt. All of a sudden I realize I have one of my friends bags in my pocket and at the bottom of it there is so much coke......maybe three or four grams . . I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail. The thoughts were repetitious.

 

Less then ten minutes later I'm getting dry mouth so badly I felt as if I were roasting in the Arizona desert. I felt as if all the houses were looking at me. I'm beginning to sweat and the sun was beginning to make that high pitched noise. At that very moment a cop car passed right beside me, I had never been so bugged out in my entire life. I was fortunate for it to pass me by. It was only along side of me for ten seconds, but it felt like ten minutes.

 

By this time I was almost in some other town. It had just occurred to me 'where am I going?' and having that day been so lifeless I finally saw a human being out on their front lawn. It was a woman with this gigantic sun hat and she was kneeling down gardening. This woman ... had a fantastic body. Blond. From that view she was a 8\10. She was turned away and I needed a drink so badly ... I needed something.

 

I said 'Hey, excuse me' 'Hello'

 

No answer.

 

Hello.

 

No answer. I walked up up to the edge on the lawn and she remained in the same spot. Knelt down, with this gigantic gardening hat\ long blond hair and facing towards her home. One last time I said ....... HELLO

 

She turned around

 

IT was a f****n 85 year old woman........... I was never so horrified in my entire life. It looked like John McCains mother. I just kept walking and walking never more shaken.

 

To this day I can never be sure how many miles I walked that afternoon.

[deadsox 894]

This is a true story and it's probably the most scared that I have ever been in my entire life.

 

This is a drug story. But I'm clean now.

 

 

Geovanni said he would be over in 20 minutes.

 

It was probably four or five years ago. Any dealer that says he will be over in twenty minutes is like a jack pot find 'Some of you know that'...... reliability at it's finest. I'm in a suburban neighborhood now with a couple of my friends and we are already really high and on top of that I took like four or five Vikiden so the thought of getting in a car with somebody else driving was not really what I had in mind. We had to meet him, but I wasn't going by car. So I was like 'f**k you guys' 'and f**k you too' (When you are as high as I was, you think you can do anything)

 

So I said 'I'm walking' and that's exactly what I did. I also had no idea where I was going but it was 85 degrees out and it was one of those highs where 'Everybody you see, is everybody you know' and out of nowhere I see this guy walking on somebody's lawn and from there he went to another guys house only he was going by their door. So I'm saying to myself 'this asshole is vandalizing property, this guys trying to break in!' So I took my cell phone out and dialed 9 - 11.

 

I told the operator 'The guy has brown hair, 5'10\5'11 \black shirt ex ex. Right after I get off the phone I happen to see this huge truck thirty five feet from me and on the side of it in big letters it read 'UPS" ... it was the f****n mailman! Then I realize O my god.. 'I have brown hair. I'm wearing a black shirt. All of a sudden I realize I have one of my friends bags in my pocket and at the bottom of it there is so much coke......maybe three or four grams . . I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail. The thoughts were repetitious.

 

Less then ten minutes later I'm getting dry mouth so badly I felt as if I were roasting in the Arizona desert. I felt as if all the houses were looking at me. I'm beginning to sweat and the sun was beginning to make that high pitched noise. At that very moment a cop car passed right beside me, I had never been so bugged out in my entire life. I was fortunate for it to pass me by. It was only along side of me for ten seconds, but it felt like ten minutes.

 

By this time I was almost in some other town. It had just occurred to me 'where am I going?' and having that day been so lifeless I finally saw a human being out on their front lawn. It was a woman with this gigantic sun hat and she was kneeling down gardening. This woman ... had a fantastic body. Blond. From that view she was a 8\10. She was turned away and I needed a drink so badly ... I needed something.

 

I said 'Hey, excuse me' 'Hello'

 

No answer.

 

Hello.

 

No answer. I walked up up to the edge on the lawn and she remained in the same spot. Knelt down, with this gigantic gardening hat\ long blond hair and facing towards her home. One last time I said ....... HELLO

 

She turned around

 

IT was a f****n 85 year old woman........... I was never so horrified in my entire life. It looked like John McCains mother. I just kept walking and walking never more shaken.

 

To this day I can never be sure how many miles I walked that afternoon.

 

 

Imagine how she felt.