A Joke

[Godot 149]

Tom O'Conner told this on Countdown this aft:

 

There used to be a car park attendant at the BBC called Bob who was known for being officious. He'd lost an arm in the war and it had left him bitter and twisted towards most of humanity. The only people he liked were Morcambe & Wise. When Eric and Ernie turned up for their show he let them park anywhere. They tried to give him a tip but he wouldn't have it.

Finally as they came to rehearse their last show they insisted on giving him some money but he still wouldn't take it.

"Is there anything we can do for you?" asks Eric.

"Well there is one thing," say's Bob. "I'd love to come to your last show."

Eric looks Bob in the eye, then shakes his head and pats him on the back "Sorry, old son but I'm afraid that's out of the question."

"Why?" asks Bob.

"You can't clap."

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

[Phantom 2,533]

A man and a woman are in bed on their wedding night.

 

The woman turns sheepishly to her husband and says "Darling, now that we're married I want to be totally honest with you"

 

The man looks worried but tries to reassure her. "I'm sure there's nothing you can tell me that will shock me"

 

"Well, It's a bit more than that. 10 years ago I was a hooker" she replies

 

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me all about it'.

 

"Well", She replies 'my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan'.

[Terminator 13]

John Terry vodka,

 

made in England,

 

bottled in Moscow

 

I was grudgingly told this one by a Chelsea steward.....

 

What's the difference between a chocolate orange and the Champions League trophy?

 

Only one of them has got Terry's name on it.

[TAFKAG 70]

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

 

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

 

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

 

US Navy : This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.

 

US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k Off.

[Phantom 2,533]

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future.

 

"What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest.

 

"Well, actually, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job," replied the Priest.

 

"Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi.

 

"Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest.

 

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

 

"Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it’s possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest.

 

"Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi.

 

The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

 

"And then?" continued the Rabbi.

 

The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

 

"Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi.

 

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, Jesus?"

 

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys was!"

[Godot 149]

Genuine Hitler Joke:

 

Here's one I heard last night in the bunker. Herman Goering is in his bedroom, waving his baton like a wand over his boxers.

 

"What you up to?" says Mrs Goering

 

Herman says: "I'm promoting my underpants to Overpants!"

 

Geddit??

 

Apparently this went down a storm among Hitler's troopers.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

a gay went to have a tatoo for his boyfriends birthday.

what does he like? asked the tatooist.

boxing said the gay.

how about having ricky hatton on one cheek& amir kahn

on the other. perfect said the gay.

he showed his boyfriend when he got home,you are dumped said the boyfriend,if you think i am getting in the ring

between those two, think again.

[themaninblack 2,112]

A couple are at an art gallery and are left rather confused by one of the paintings.

The curator of the gallery notices this and goes over to ask them what the problem was.

The couple show the curator the painting. It's of three black men, sitting naked on a park bench.

What's confusing is that although two of the black men had black penises, the one in the middle

has a pink penis.

The curator goes on to explain his theory about the painting. He thinks its a representation of the

emasculation of African-American men by Whites and the painting is symbolic of the struggle between

black and white men. He also outlines another theory that is a representation of the oppression of gay

men within the black commuity.

The couple are left satisfied by the explaination, but as they leave the gallery, they are approached by

a Scotsman.

"Do you want to know what that painting is really about?" he asks.

"How would you know more than the curator as to what the paintings about?" asks one of them.

"Because I was the man who painted it, that's why."

"So what's it about then?" they ask.

"Well, its not about the representation of African-Americans or the oppression of gay men,

it's three Scottish coalminers sitting in the sun and the one in the middle's been home to see the wife!"

[Bald rick 9]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

 

'My wife's.'

 

'What happened to her?'

 

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

 

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

 

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

 

'Can I borrow the dog?'

 

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Irelands worst air disaster struck today when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish rescue workers have so far recovered 828 bodies and digging will continue into the night..

[blackrose 0]

Dear Mum...............

 

 

 

 

 

-----

 

 

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum.' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

 

I had to elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Joey, and he's is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of him, because of all his piercing's, tattoos, his tight Motorcycle clothes, and because he is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. I'm pregnant. Joey said that we will be very happy. He owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Joey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Joey can get better. He sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your Daughter,

 

 

Post moved to existing joke thread - LG

Edited July 16, 2008 by Lady Grendel

[Guest wtf?]

Have we lowered the bar?

 

Dear Mum...............

 

 

 

 

 

-----

 

 

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum.' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

 

I had to elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Joey, and he's is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of him, because of all his piercing's, tattoos, his tight Motorcycle clothes, and because he is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. I'm pregnant. Joey said that we will be very happy. He owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Joey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Joey can get better. He sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your Daughter,

 

 

Post moved to existing joke thread - LG

 

If so

 

 

There were once three people called Rubbish, Manners, and Go away. They were all related since they were all brothers.

One day Rubbish got flattened by a train, so manners started to sweep him up. Then, a policeman came up to Go away and said, "What is your name?"

Go away replied: "Go away."

The policeman said, "Now really! Please, I only need your name. What is it?"

Go away said simply: "Go away."

The police started to angry at this point. "Just say your name and I'll go away!" he hissed. "What is your name?"

"Go away."

The policeman got very frustrated here. He glared at go away and asked: "Where is your manners?"

"Sweeping up rubbish."

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

"are" your manners.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Dear Mum...............

 

 

 

 

 

-----

 

 

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum.' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

 

I had to elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Joey, and he's is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of him, because of all his piercing's, tattoos, his tight Motorcycle clothes, and because he is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. I'm pregnant. Joey said that we will be very happy. He owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Joey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Joey can get better. He sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your Daughter,

 

 

Post moved to existing joke thread - LG

 

Surely the punchline of this 'joke' is missing?

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Surely the punchline of this 'joke' is missing?

 

Definitely something missing!

[deadtowrites 2]

Surely the punchline of this 'joke' is missing?

 

Definitely something missing!

 

Googling the first line comes up with the punchline on sickipedia

 

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

Probably "funnier" without the punchline.

 

I don't see how it rates alongside this (see below) for being sick

 

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

 

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

 

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

 

The father replies, "I don't want them f*****g your mother after I'm gone!"

 

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

 

The doctor comes back and says, "Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

 

Ray is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

 

"Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

 

Ray asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc? "

 

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your f****n' arse is for."

[Handrejka 1,903]

Dear Mum...............

 

 

 

 

 

-----

 

 

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum.' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

 

I had to elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Joey, and he's is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of him, because of all his piercing's, tattoos, his tight Motorcycle clothes, and because he is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. I'm pregnant. Joey said that we will be very happy. He owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Joey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Joey can get better. He sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your Daughter,

 

 

Post moved to existing joke thread - LG

 

I think the hardest thing to believe is that a kid who calls her female parent "mum" uses words like trailer, motorcycle ,firewood and report card and contructions such as "he sure deserves.."

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madeline McCann's bike.

 

 

 

 

 

This joke has been brought to you by popbitch, much the same as the last joke I posted, and probably the one before that too.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madeline McCann's bike.

 

 

 

 

 

This joke has been brought to you by popbitch, much the same as the last joke I posted, and probably the one before that too.

 

Alternatively: Whats pink and covered in cobwebs?

Lardys Fanny (well you did say you havent had a shag in ages Lardy!!! )

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Alternatively: Whats pink and covered in cobwebs?

Lardys Fanny (well you did say you havent had a shag in ages Lardy!!! )

 

Yeah, but she probably has a shower or a bath pretty often.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Alternatively: Whats pink and covered in cobwebs?

Lardys Fanny (well you did say you havent had a shag in ages Lardy!!! )

 

Yeah, but she probably has a shower or a bath pretty often.

Yes and Madeline McCann may not have had a pink bike and said bike could have been stored indoors in a cobweb free zone.....

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madeline McCann's bike.

 

 

 

 

 

This joke has been brought to you by popbitch, much the same as the last joke I posted, and probably the one before that too.

 

Alternatively: Whats pink and covered in cobwebs?

Lardys Fanny (well you did say you havent had a shag in ages Lardy!!! )

 

 

Good Lord! Talk about lower the tone! Jokes about children who have possibly been kidnapped by paedos I can cope with, but middle aged lady's fannies - that's just too much!

[Gunjaman5000 30]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christopher Walken.

[Windsor 2,233]

I didn't think that washed up body parts would ever make me laugh.

 

This article changed all that.