philheybrookbay 439 Posted February 9, 2013 Starting tomorrow Tesco's are offering double clubcard points on Beefburgers and Petrol. It's The Only Fuel and Horses offer...................................... (I'll get my coat) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted February 9, 2013 Just been to the doctors and he says that I've got to start watching what I eat! So I've booked tickets for this year Aintree Grand National!! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted February 12, 2013 A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England." The person says, "I not English, I am a Pakistani." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country England!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not British." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Englishwoman?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?" The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."!!! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Eesti 151 Posted February 12, 2013 What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted February 12, 2013 What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär?? Feel free to troll through the thread and report back your findings. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,134 Posted February 12, 2013 What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär?? Feel free to troll through the thread and report back your findings. The 'like' button is a relatively recent feature, so the vast majority of jokes here will have slipped by with no evidence of appreciation. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Body Snatcher 44 107 Posted February 13, 2013 Saw the girl I like naked for the first time the other night. Such a beautiful sight, she came out of the shower drapped in a wet towel, water glistening on her exposed skin in the dim light of her bedroom. ...and I remember thinking to myself "God I hope this skylight holds..." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted February 13, 2013 What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär?? The most loved joke on DL is Iain. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted February 13, 2013 What post has got most likes in this topic aka what has been the best joke evär?? Probably not the one you just liked... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 14, 2013 Exactly a year ago today over thirty people died from food poisoning at a Greek restaurant. No-one knows what dish caused the fatalities but police are calling it The Valentines Day Moussaka. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted February 14, 2013 Rose are red Violets are glorious Just dont suprise Oscar Pistorius 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted February 14, 2013 Rose are red Violets are glorious Just dont suprise Oscar Pistorius I don't buy oscar's version of events that he shot her and thought she was an intruder, to me that story just doesn't have legs. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted February 14, 2013 Rose are red Violets are glorious Just dont suprise Oscar Pistorius I don't buy oscar's version of events that he shot her and thought she was an intruder, to me that story just doesn't have legs. If he is indeed guilty, the South African Police will no doubt be dragging him to prison! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mind Mush 6 Posted February 19, 2013 Guy walks into a crowded bar with two six guns yelling "Who the fuck has been sleepin with my wife, I'll kill ya!!!" A man standing nearby whispers "Hey buddy, I don't think you have enough ammo". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mind Mush 6 Posted February 19, 2013 A young Jewish Princess comes home to her momma and exclaims "Momma momma, I've got good news, I'm getting married" Momma: "Vonderful vonderful , who is the lucky man?" Girl: "Momma he is a really nice Arab man" Momma: " Oy Vay, Arab? ARAB? You can't marry the enemy of our people!!!" Girl: "But momma he is a Wealthy Arab Sheik momma and he said he is going to buy you a mansion, furs, diamonds, a yatch and a Rolls Royce momma" Momma: "Oh wow, well for all this I give my blessing" Six months later the girls comes home to momma crying..... Momma: "Vats a motta, vats a motta?" Girl: "Momma I"m getting a divorce" Momma: "Divorce? A disgrace? Oh no no and what to tell the family?" Girl: "But momma you don't understand, every time we have sex he wants to stick it in my ass momma and when I got married momma my ass was the size of a Dime momma and Now it is the size of a Silver Dollar momma" The momma looks around at her mansion, feels her fur coat and diamond necklace the turns to the daughter and says...... "So for Ninety Cents you make Trouble?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted February 21, 2013 Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to sign Oscar Pistorious in the summer transfer window. After reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted February 21, 2013 I knew the horsemeat scandal was not a new thing. From The Star 1995: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted February 21, 2013 Following the Oscar Pistorious shooting, another Olympian has been arrested - Ellie Simmons on a small arms charge! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted February 22, 2013 Following the Oscar Pistorious shooting, another Olympian has been arrested - Ellie Simmons on a small arms charge! She is about to feel the long arm of the law then ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted March 4, 2013 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted March 5, 2013 Horsemeat in IKEA meatballs? Should have seen that one coming. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Eesti 151 Posted March 15, 2013 A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story. "The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says. The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks. "It was a magic lamp," the man says. "I rubbed it, and a genie came out. He said, 'I'll grant you one wish, but this isn't like Aladdin. You don't get to choose your wish. I'll give you two options, and you have to pick one.'" "What were the choices?" "The genie said I could have either a flawless memory, or a giant dick." The girl thinks for a moment. "Wow. Which did you pick?" "I don't remember." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted March 15, 2013 A seal walks into a club... 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 22, 2013 A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.' 'Oh', said the man and pointed at one of the clocks 'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible', said the man pointing again 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only ever moved Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Jimmy Savile's clock?' asked the man. St Peter replied, 'God has it in his office, he uses it as a ceiling fan.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
