A Joke

[deadsox 894]

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

[Toast 16,144]

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

 

 

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

© Jimmy Jones live at the Circus Tavern Purfleet sometime in 1978.

[deadsox 894]

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

© Jimmy Jones live at the Circus Tavern Purfleet sometime in 1978.

 

 

Now that I think of it, my version was in Good Will Hunting in 1997.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WAylnO5gtA

[deadsox 894]

 

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

 

 

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

 

 

Just a matter of taste I suppose. I happen to like coffee more than shit.

[Toast 16,144]

 

 

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

 

 

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

 

 

Just a matter of taste I suppose. I happen to like coffee more than shit.

 

 

There's not so much comedy in coffee though.

[Rotten Ali 600]

 

 

 

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

Well is it funny that I would like a skinny Costa Rican?

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

Just a matter of taste I suppose. I happen to like coffee more than shit.

There's not so much comedy in coffee though.

Well is it funny I now rather fancy a skinny Costa Rican?

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

 

 

 

One of the best known subviral adds, though not one you'll see shown too often on television is a Mastercard ad in which a boyfriend kisses his girlfriend goodnight and then begs her for a blow job. She goes on refusing, he goes on begging until a message blares out suggesting she could do it, her sister might and if either refuses the dad will be down to sort it, before we get the punchline about the price of everything but having a dad with a sense of humour is "priceless."

[deadsox 894]

 

 

 

 

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

Well is it funny that I would like a skinny Costa Rican?

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

Just a matter of taste I suppose. I happen to like coffee more than shit.

There's not so much comedy in coffee though.

Well is it funny I now rather fancy a skinny Costa Rican?

 

 

I don't know. You got a picture?

[Rotten Ali 600]

 

 

 

 

 

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

 

Well is it funny that I would like a skinny Costa Rican?

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

Just a matter of taste I suppose. I happen to like coffee more than shit.

There's not so much comedy in coffee though.

Well is it funny I now rather fancy a skinny Costa Rican?

I don't know. You got a picture?

http://pix.avaxnews.com/avaxnews/23/e3/0001e323.jpeg

 

Need I say more?

[charon 4,943]

 

 

Not 'exactly' a joke, but it made me smile

 

 

 

[deadsox 894]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her"

Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

Well is it funny that I would like a skinny Costa Rican?

I heard the same joke with coffee and a blowjob, with the punch line "Don't forget the coffee".

To use a seldom-heard phrase: The shit one's better.

Just a matter of taste I suppose. I happen to like coffee more than shit.

There's not so much comedy in coffee though.

Well is it funny I now rather fancy a skinny Costa Rican?

I don't know. You got a picture?

http://pix.avaxnews.com/avaxnews/23/e3/0001e323.jpeg

 

Need I say more?

 

 

Not funny. Very nice though.

[En Passant 3,741]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem, Whilst they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker gave the husband two financial options:- "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150". The man thought about it for a second and then told the undertaker he would pay to have her shipped home.

The undertaker was a little surprised at this and asked:- "Why would you spend £5,000 to have her shipped home when it would be wonderful to be buried here for just £150?"

 

The man replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

[Bibliogryphon 9,586]

Why didn't the seven dwarves get any dinner?

 

Try walking through the front door singing Hi Ho and you will find out.

[torbrexbones 717]

SEX SURVEY -- ARE SCOTTISH MEN THE SEXIEST?

This year's social survey looks at the sexual habits of the typical West of Scotland man. Our experts have recreated a typical Scotsman’s night of passion.

THE PREPARATION -- Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the Traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions, his mind is set on one thing, LOVE, or as he says himself 'ma nookie'. His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, entreating her with gently persuasive words of passion "Any chance ‘o’ ma hole". The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled Onion sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply 'Awaity fuck ya bam'.

FOREPLAY - Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting his slightly soiled y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing with his skid-marks down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant 'Here we go, here we go, here we go. Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8-incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS - After 12 pints sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself fully. Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement, such as 'ya useless bastard' or possibly 'It never happens to the milkman'. Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation 'how’d you like to put your teeth roon this', the woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler 'On ya go' she says 'but don't disturb me'. Unperturbed by this slight rejection the man dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems; the man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke 'bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week'.

DOWN TO BUSINESS - Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase 'oh fuck I’ve shot ma load'. If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as perhaps informing her that she is probably the nicest woman that he's ever come across.

THE EVENT ITSELF - An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that woman like to be spoken dirtily to, say such things as 'Snotters, shite, arsehole’. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters words of encouragement such as 'Are you sure its in? Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ooh, ooh, yes, yes, go-on yersel.

[Magere Hein 1,400]

She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement[...]

I'd love to learn our Caledonian hero's reaction to Jewish words.

[torbrexbones 717]

 

She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement[...]

I'd love to learn our Caledonian hero's reaction to Jewish words.

 

one little typo so shoot me

[Perfect Passing 277]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

 

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

 

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

 

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

 

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

 

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

 

"No way. It's just too risky!"

 

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

 

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

 

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

 

"No, no. I just can't"

 

"I'm begging you..."

 

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says...........................

 

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... If needs be Mum says she can come down herself and do it.

 

But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

[charon 4,943]

2015.......Africans jump on anything that floats to get them off the continent.

 

How times change.

 

300 years ago, we sent plenty of boats for them, and they weren't quite so keen..

[YoungWillz 21,057]

Chinese fortune tellers have been describing the character traits of the new Royal Princess.

 

Asked for a comment, Prince Phillip responded "Oh, the Princess doesn't believe in all that slanty eyed mumbo jumbo. And she was born yesterday!"

[Phantom 2,533]

I'm going to create some breast shaped pillows using a material that "remembers" the contours of your head as you sleep.

I'll be marketing it under the name "Mammary Foam"

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Phantom 2,533]

Best before date: Rohipnol

[En Passant 3,741]

The FIFA headquarters in Switzerland has apparently been burgled. Raiders have stolen the names of the winners of the next two World Cups.

[torbrexbones 717]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
Shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
All that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
Led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
Attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
Various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
Went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
Read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
With me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
Sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
Lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
Confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next..
He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts,
And had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he
Claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
And I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of
Him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
A lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
In a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
Monitors running in and out of him.. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......
Circumcision may not have been the best way to start."