YoungWillz 21,037 Posted January 28, 2016 My attempt at a gingerbread man died. So I buried him in the oven, and lo! He is risen! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted January 30, 2016 A son and his mom were having sex and then mother became pregnant. The two couldn't decide a name for him but then the mom said "we must come up with a name for him,Dr orders" and they decided to name that incest baby Dr zorders. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted January 30, 2016 A son and his mom were having sex and then mother became pregnant. The two couldn't decide a name for him but then the mom said "we must come up with a name for him,Dr orders" and they decided to name that incest baby Dr zorders. Its 'mammy'. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted January 30, 2016 Please try not to be morbidlydullkid Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted January 30, 2016 Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, carrying a big bunch of flowers.She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'That's just silly', says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!' 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rockhopper penguin 2,265 Posted February 1, 2016 A baby polar approaches his mum. 'Mum are you sure i'm a polar bear?' he squeals. 'Of course you are, silly' replies Mum, 'you've got white fur, teeth, claws..of course you're a polar bear'. Baby goes away. Next day, 'Mum are you sure i'm a polar bear?' he squeals. 'Of course you are, silly' replies Mum slightly annoyed, 'you eat seals and fish and you don't have tusks, so you're not a walrus (tee hee) are you?'. Baby goes away. Next day 'Mum are you sure i'm a polar bear?' he squeals. 'Of course you are, silly' replies Mum getting more annoyed 'I'm a polar bear, you're dad's a polar bear, your brother Eric he's a polar bear, your sister Sylvia she's a polar bear, so you obviously are a fffff flippin' polar bear'. Next day 'Mum are you sure i'm a polar bear?' says Baby. Now, really annoyed, Mum says 'I've explained it all to you, why oh why for the love of Nanook do you keep asking if you're polar bear?' Baby looks up at her with doeful eyes and says 'because Mum, i'm fucking freezing!'. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted February 1, 2016 Really not a good week for Terry's is it. One dead, one sacked. Holding out for the dreary news in the horrible history of Deary and another footballer going for a Burton. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted February 4, 2016 A blind old cowboy one day wandered by mistake into an all-girl biker bar. Placing himself on a barstool, he ordered a shot of whiskey. After sitting there for a while, he shouted to the bartender: ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke buddy?’The bar fell silent. After a moment, a deep husky woman’s voice next to him said: ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair – given that you are blind – that you should know five things:1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.2. The bouncer also has fair hair.3. I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman who weighs 175-pounds and has a black belt in karate.4. The woman next to me is blonde professional weight lifter.5. And the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.Think about this seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ Considering this for a second, he shook his head and muttered to himself: ‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’ 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 6, 2016 I never grow tired of this one. Whenever I'm out and about with the kids and we're at a festival that has some crappy band playing covers and they ask for requests, I send one of my kids up to stage with the suggestion of "somewhere else". 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 6, 2016 An Athiest, Catholic, Hindu, Lutheran, and Halibut sat down to lunch together. There is no punchline this was what happened at my work and we all had a good time. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 9, 2016 Last Summer I tried to take some photos of some corn fields. All my photos turned out grainy. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted February 9, 2016 An Athiest, Catholic, Hindu, Lutheran, and Halibut sat down to lunch together. There is no punchline this was what happened at my work and we all had a good time. One liner that split the reaction at work today: "See that German train crash...it'd never have happened if Hitler had hung on to power!" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted February 10, 2016 I've found a prostitute who accepts mediocre antiques as payment. Tit for tat. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 10, 2016 An Athiest, Catholic, Hindu, Lutheran, and Halibut sat down to lunch together. There is no punchline this was what happened at my work and we all had a good time. One liner that split the reaction at work today: "See that German train crash...it'd never have happened if Hitler had hung on to power!" German jokes are the wurst Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted February 10, 2016 One liner that split the reaction at work today: "See that German train crash...it'd never have happened if Hitler had hung on to power!" German jokes are the wurst For quite some time I had a small banner taped to my desk reading: Unox, the worst operating system. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 15, 2016 I bought a sweater the other day. Every time I came in contact with someone, they would get a static shock.I'm going to take it back to the shop tomorrow, and ask if they can exchange it for another one free of charge. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 18, 2016 I had this one night stand. Then I went to the furniture shop and bought another one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 19, 2016 One teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant, but you know what? That was his or her opinion. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 19, 2016 Q. How much does a hipster weigh? A. An instagram 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted February 22, 2016 An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."No one moved.The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."Again all was quiet.Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted February 23, 2016 I poured my root beer in to a square glass. Now it’s just beer. 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
