A Joke

[maryportfuncity 10,658]

Facebooked the big lad to ask how International Women's Day had gone down where he is (in Saudi Arabia)

 

He said it was a massive success with beatings down 50%

[Paul Bearer 6,116]

I took Easyjet to court after my luggage went missing. I lost my case.

[Deathray 2,941]

At a Catholic Sunday school a group of students were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up. The first kid said I want to be a firefighter, another said I want to be a priest, and this girl said, "I want to be a prostitute". The nun looks at the child in utter horror and says "You want to be a what?" The girl responds "a prostitute". The nun sighs relief and says "Good, for a second I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[maryportfuncity 10,658]

 

Classic!

[Scraggy Taters 290]

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden ?

 

A seizure salad.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[Toast 16,155]

[Toast 16,155]

One for the boys

 

 

[Scraggy Taters 290]

One for the boys

 

 

I thought the elephants caption was ' Wot ? no trunks ? '

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[Phantom 2,536]

This is one I should have posted yesterday

 

Caesar walks into a room and sees Brutus practicing piano and says "Etude Brute?"

[Deathray 2,941]

Redacted.

[Phantom 2,536]

I'm currently playing Midge Ure at Scrabble and have four letters left, but this means nothing to me: OVNR

[YoungWillz 21,076]

I'm currently playing Midge Ure at Scrabble and have four letters left, but this means nothing to me: OVNR

 

It's ok, he only has U and I

 

 

I'll get my coat.

[Perfect Passing 277]

In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife... the husband contacted the newspaper to place an obituary notice.

 

The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "How Much?"

 

He reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat" simple he explained,

 

"My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt 'ave wanted owt swanky'.

 

"Perhaps a small poem," suggested the woman at the desk.

 

"Nay," he said, "she wunt 'ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put Gladys Braithwaite's died".

 

"You need to say when," he was told by the receptionist.

 

"Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That'll do."

 

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed."

 

The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, Sadly missed. That'll do," he said.

 

"You can have another four words," the woman explained.​

 

​"No, no!" he cried, "She wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out."

 

"The words are included in the price," the woman informed him.

 

"Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em"

 

"Yes, indeed."

 

"Well, if I've paid for 'em" exclaimed the man, "I'm 'avin 'em."

 

The obituary was duly printed:

 

GLADYS BRAITHWAITE.

DIED 17TH MARCH 2015.

SADLY MISSED.

ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE.

[The Happy Reaper 223]

Overweight, frumpy nurse to young blonde colleague: "You know that hunky young patient in Ward 5? I've just given him a bed-bath and he has the word TOTTIE tattooed on his willy!"

Next day, young blonde nurse to overweight, frumpy colleague: "I've just given that hunky patient a bed-bath. His tattoo actually says TOTTENHAM TILL I DIE!"

[The Happy Reaper 223]

The girl who lives next door was getting married, and she told me she wanted a fairytale wedding. So I turned up at the reception and put a curse on her firstborn.

 

There's no pleasing some people.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Overweight, frumpy nurse to young blonde colleague: "You know that hunky young patient in Ward 5? I've just given him a bed-bath and he has the word TOTTIE tattooed on his willy!"

Next day, young blonde nurse to overweight, frumpy colleague: "I've just given that hunky patient a bed-bath. His tattoo actually says TOTTENHAM TILL I DIE!"

You seem to be implying that overweight frumpy women cannot give men a hard on. Well let me tell you, I've given plenty of men bed baths 😀

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

 

Overweight, frumpy nurse to young blonde colleague: "You know that hunky young patient in Ward 5? I've just given him a bed-bath and he has the word TOTTIE tattooed on his willy!"

Next day, young blonde nurse to overweight, frumpy colleague: "I've just given that hunky patient a bed-bath. His tattoo actually says TOTTENHAM TILL I DIE!"

You seem to be implying that overweight frumpy women cannot give men a hard on.

and he is correct.

[Perfect Passing 277]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

 

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.

 

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

 

Both of her parents (who are Socialist Labour) were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

 

Her parents beamed with pride!

 

"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

 

"What do you mean?" she replied.

 

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless man hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use towards food and a new house."

 

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?”

 

I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

 

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

[The Happy Reaper 223]

 

Overweight, frumpy nurse to young blonde colleague: "You know that hunky young patient in Ward 5? I've just given him a bed-bath and he has the word TOTTIE tattooed on his willy!"

Next day, young blonde nurse to overweight, frumpy colleague: "I've just given that hunky patient a bed-bath. His tattoo actually says TOTTENHAM TILL I DIE!"

You seem to be implying that overweight frumpy women cannot give men a hard on. Well let me tell you, I've given plenty of men bed baths

 

Depends on the individual man, surely?

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both of her parents (who are Socialist Labour) were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless man hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use towards food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?”

I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

but you never asked them too.

[charon 4,943]

'Prime minister', 'Socialist Labour' and 'Conservative Party' should not be in a joke that includes 'grocery store'.

 

Just a sayin.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

 

 

Overweight, frumpy nurse to young blonde colleague: "You know that hunky young patient in Ward 5? I've just given him a bed-bath and he has the word TOTTIE tattooed on his willy!"

Next day, young blonde nurse to overweight, frumpy colleague: "I've just given that hunky patient a bed-bath. His tattoo actually says TOTTENHAM TILL I DIE!"

You seem to be implying that overweight frumpy women cannot give men a hard on. Well let me tell you, I've given plenty of men bed baths

 

Depends on the individual man, surely?