A Joke

[Toast 16,142]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited, but her wicked stepmother and the ugly sisters would not let her go.

She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my step mother and step sisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother."

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and listen to it carefully. You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your sexual parts will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball.

The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince, who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on his arm and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early as she picked up her knife and fork.

The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed its succulence.

He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it.

When he took the rind away from his face the juices were running down his chin.

"What time do you have to be home?" he said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside.

"About half past two," she replied.

[Dr_T 254]

I think there is a very similar joke where her bits will be turned into a pumpkin if she doesn't get home before midnight. She stumbles in about half-past three with a blissful look on her face. "Why are you home so late," says the fairy godmother.

"Well," says Cinderella. "I just met the most wonderful man."

"What was his name?"

"Peter Peter"

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

I think there is a very similar joke where her bits will be turned into a pumpkin if she doesn't get home before midnight. She stumbles in about half-past three with a blissful look on her face. "Why are you home so late," says the fairy godmother.

"Well," says Cinderella. "I just met the most wonderful man."

"What was his name?"

"Peter Peter"

 

 

Yeah, I can remember a version of that joke where Cinders couldn't go to the ball because the ugly sisters hid all the tampons. Her fairy godmother arrives and turns a pumpkin into a Tampon...

 

 

The punchline being - That magic is only good for today FFS be home by midnight!!

[En Passant 3,741]

My local barber just got arrested for selling drugs, I've been his customer for 6 years, I had no idea he was a barber.

[Scraggy Taters 290]

A vicar on a fishing trip fell in the lake and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help ?" The vicar calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "You alright mate.. do you need help?" The vicar replied again,

"No God will save me."

Eventually the vicar drowned & went to heaven. He asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"

 

God replied, "You idiot. I sent you two boats!"

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

A vicar on a fishing trip fell in the lake and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help ?" The vicar calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "You alright mate.. do you need help?" The vicar replied again,

"No God will save me."

Eventually the vicar drowned & went to heaven. He asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"

 

God replied, "You idiot. I sent you two boats!"

Stealing this one.

[Scraggy Taters 290]

 

A vicar on a fishing trip fell in the lake and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help ?" The vicar calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "You alright mate.. do you need help?" The vicar replied again,

"No God will save me."

Eventually the vicar drowned & went to heaven. He asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"

 

God replied, "You idiot. I sent you two boats!"

Stealing this one.

 

It was probably from the 1971 edition of the Dave Allen stool-book of craic jokes given to me by my late Irish Uncle Pat (Taters) Fun for all the Catholics !

[The Happy Reaper 223]

 

The Samaritans have set up a special number for disappointed Man United fans to ring if they are feeling depressed after this season. The number is 0800 101010

Thats 0800 won nothing, won nothing won nothing!

 

That joke would work better if they were to lose the cup final against Palace.

 

If Man United do win the cup, they will do the traditional open-top bus tour through the city to show it off to their cheering fans.

 

The Metropolitan Police are already planning which streets to close.

[Deathray 2,940]

Football fans in Newcastle and Sunderland are trying to raise money to restart the ship-building industries so they can still get around after they've flooded the cities with tears next Saturday.

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

Me "Do you email my results?"

Doctor Bugs Bunny "No"

Me "Phone?"

DBB "No"

Me "Text?"

DBB "No"

Me "Instagram?"

DBB "No"

Me "WhatsApp Doc?"

[The Happy Reaper 223]

For anyone who has tried phoning a technical support helpdesk...

[Phantom 2,533]

For anyone who has tried phoning a technical support helpdesk...

 

Reminds of me this page

The Bastard Operator From Hell

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'

[Deathray 2,940]

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'

 

Just spat my coffee out on that one. I'm definitely stealing this one.

[torbrexbones 717]

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"
"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

[Phantom 2,533]

 

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'

 

Just spat my coffee out on that one. I'm definitely stealing this one.

 

 

I'm stealing this one too

[Deathray 2,940]

 

 

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'

 

Just spat my coffee out on that one. I'm definitely stealing this one.

 

 

I'm stealing this one too

 

 

Apparently it's an adaptation of a Donald Trump visits a Portland School joke, although I'm sure it predates that by several decades at the very least.

[Phantom 2,533]

 

 

 

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'

 

Just spat my coffee out on that one. I'm definitely stealing this one.

 

 

I'm stealing this one too

 

 

Apparently it's an adaptation of a Donald Trump visits a Portland School joke, although I'm sure it predates that by several decades at the very least.

 

 

I think there was a version where Thatcher was the one visiting the school. I can't believe I just used the words "Thatcher" and "school" in the same sentence without including the word "closed"

[Toast 16,142]

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

 

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

 

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

 

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"

"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

 

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

 

They would hardly dare speak to the little girl these days. Sad.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs apart, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.

The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs apart, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, 'Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?'

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, 'Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?'

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house 'nd walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?' she asks hesitantly.

'I don't rightly know, replies the woman,' 'but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon.'

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Little Johnny was walking home from school one day and saw his Grandad on the front porch with out any trousers on ... Young Johnny asks his Grandad why he is sat outside with out any trousers on .. His Grandad replies 'well Johnny, yesterday I sat out here without a top on and got a stiff neck .. This was your Grandma's idea!'

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him!

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Aston Villa Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are not currently capable of beating anyone.

[RadGuy 1,614]

The story about the Queen's Chinese gaffe is an interesting thing.

 

Apparently, the two Chinese officials, Wong He and Wong Cho (no relation) had applied for knighthood several months ahead of their visit. They were apparently under the impression during their entire journey to England that they would receive honorary knighthoods from the Queen. When they were informed by the Ambassador that they had been mistaken, they stormed out.

 

This, of course, just goes to prove that two Wongs do not make a Knight.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

 

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

 

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

 

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

 

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"

"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

 

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

 

They would hardly dare speak to the little girl these days. Sad.

 

Well that killed that one!!

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

 

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"

"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

 

They would hardly dare speak to the little girl these days. Sad.

why?