Bentrovato 1,089 Posted February 3, 2018 Got a horrendous paedophile joke but you lot are just too young. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Hatter2 85 Posted February 3, 2018 Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes. 2 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted February 7, 2018 I can't believe it's pancake Tuesday next week! That's just crêped up on me. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,150 Posted February 7, 2018 7 minutes ago, Wee Jum said: That one just keeps on giving, doesn't it. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,062 Posted February 13, 2018 Just heard my local pizza delivery guy has died. He topped himself. (Chicken and Sweetcorn, apparently). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Predictor 1,018 Posted February 17, 2018 The veterinarian who takes care of Doris Day's pets was tragically attacked and killed by a couple of German Shepherds. The journalist reporting the event was known for his lazy and brief headings, and the following headline appeared in the newspaper the next day: "D DAY VET KILLED BY GERMANS" 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,534 Posted February 19, 2018 I was in the pub the other night having a quiet beer when a woman sidled up to me and said "did you know that beer has the same ph value as a vagina?" She got upset with me when I replied that it was probably because of yeast. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted February 20, 2018 Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the hide to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of shot in the groin . Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asks Lyle. "The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.” "Well, I guess the news could be worse," says Lyle. “Your sister's a plastic surgeon?" Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye." 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted February 20, 2018 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy" 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,150 Posted February 25, 2018 John and Mary are waiting at the bus stop with their six children. They hear a sound tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap... and from around the corner appears an old man with a walking stick. He takes his place in the bus queue. The bus arrives, and Mary gets on with the six kids. As John is about to board, the driver stops him. “Sorry, mate. Only room for seven inside.” “When's the next bus for the town centre then?” asks John. The driver is helpful. “Not for half an hour, but if you go up the road and take the first left into the High Street, the Number 8 bus is due there in five minutes and that goes to the town centre by a different route.” The bus departs, and John and the old man start walking. tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap... (you can keep this up as long as you want) John is irritated. He says to the old man, “Can't you put a bit of rubber on the end of that thing?” The old man replies, “If you'd put a bit of rubber on the end of your thing, we'd all have got on the fucking bus.” 3 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,228 Posted February 25, 2018 A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Wow! In all my years tending bars, I’ve never had a weasel walk by. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel. 6 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted February 26, 2018 I've just eaten a small plastic Star Wars figure. It was a little chewy * Yes, I know. The old 'uns are the best. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,534 Posted February 27, 2018 Just saw a headline on the news "Harlem Globetrotters surprise fan with Downs Syndrome". I thought "That's a bit insensitive. They could have surprised them with an autographed basketball or shirt". 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted February 28, 2018 Cocks is a Finnish handball club based in the city of Riihimäki. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,228 Posted March 2, 2018 I was going to post a time traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted March 3, 2018 A lament to the shortage of bread and milk in parts of Scotland to tune of 'O flower of scotland'. No flour in Scotland! When will we see Sliced breid again? No Mother’s Pride for Your wee bit piece and jam No cheesey toasties (fur who?) Wur tartan army Just pictures of empty shelves Aye, blink again! Those days are past now But icy blast, it may remain But we might still drive (how?) Tae get tae Asda again And stand in queues there (Whit for?) Wur milk, breid an whisky, And carry them homewards Tae drink again... 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted March 4, 2018 On 2/28/2018 at 17:56, bladan said: Cocks is a Finnish handball club based in the city of Riihimäki. is it a women hand ball club Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dalai Lama 10 Posted March 5, 2018 50 post for Dalai Lama. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted March 5, 2018 14 minutes ago, Dalai Lama said: 50 shitty post for Dalai Lama. FIFY. 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,070 Posted March 5, 2018 2 hours ago, Dalai Lama said: 50 shitty post for Dalai Lama. And now 1 good one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dalai Lama 10 Posted March 5, 2018 Tibet 3-0 England. I love Scotland. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,655 Posted March 6, 2018 20 hours ago, Dalai Lama said: Tibet 3-0 England. I love Scotland. So, come back as a Scotsman next time Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grim Up North 3,727 Posted March 6, 2018 Wong Chow calls into work and says, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work. The boss says, You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
