A Joke

[Dave to the Grave 11]

A couple of soldiers on patrol in Iraq have run out of food rations, when one of them thinks he can smell bacon. They look over a sand dune, and see what appears to be a bacon tree. They can't believe their luck, and start walking towards it. However at this point they come under heavy gun fire.

Too late, the soldiers realise it isn't a bacon tree at all, it's a ham bush.

[DevonDeathTrip 2,358]

tom discussed this in the unmoderated topic forum yesterday...

 

This post poses many unanswered questions.

 

Who is Tom? What was discussed? Are any of the topic forums here unmoderated? Are you lost, Guest?

[football_fan 42]

tom discussed this in the unmoderated topic forum yesterday...

 

This post poses many unanswered questions.

 

Who is Tom? What was discussed? Are any of the topic forums here unmoderated? Are you lost, Guest?

It is just a spammer who keeps on posting the same message over and over. We have deleted at least 10 of those in the last 2 days

[Captain Oates 21]

My apologies if this one is already posted.

 

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor !"

 

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at T**** Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

 

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to T****. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample in and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

~ ~ You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. ~ ~

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to T****, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer printed the following:

.

.

.

.

.

.

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

~~Thank you for shopping at T**** ~~

[Lady Die 63]

I don't think this is meant to be a joke.....

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

On a propaganda tour through the United States, President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.

 

Little Bob rises to speak. “Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask”

 

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?

2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?

3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

 

Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of the classroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions.

 

This time Joey rises to speak. “Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask”

 

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?

2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?

3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?

5. Where is Bob???

[Windsor 2,233]

Hello all

 

The new version of the popular web browser Mozilla Firefox

 

 

Thus we have the first picture of mpfc on deathlist.

The smoking fox has given up the fags and instead turned to petty crime to help deal with the stress.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

I'll get the bastards that leaked this picture!

[Schism 2]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate

their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a

confession to

make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in

this

day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh

yeah?

Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with

him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the

husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the

wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get

something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger

do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second

time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what

are

you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going

to

get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh

yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one

more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to

the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room

service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn

hole."

 

 

 

[Merged - HCW]

[Godot 149]

I'm assuming this is subtle spamming by Firefox. Surprised it's survived this long.

[CarolAnn 926]

I have no idea if these are real, but they are worth a chuckle if you haven't seen them before:

 

A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is www.whorepresents.com

 

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

 

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

 

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

 

Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com

 

And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

 

If you'r looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

 

Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

 

Then, of course, there are these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofart.com

 

Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will

 

make your lives better.

 

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

 

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

 

Can you give us ! an example?"

 

"Thou shall not kill."

 

"Not kill? We're not interested."

 

 

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

 

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and

 

Mother."

 

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

 

 

 

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

 

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not

 

steal."

 

"Not steal? We're not interested."

 

 

 

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

 

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not

 

commit adultery."

 

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

 

 

 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

 

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

 

"They're free."

 

"We'll take 10."

 

 

 

Or summat.

[Godot 149]

Just before he got kicked out Donald Rumsfeld had to report some news to a cabinet meeting with the President. He said, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

 

The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

 

The rest of the cabinet is stunned in to silence. Not a word is spoken until George Bush looks up and says, "Exactly how many is a brazilian?""

[Six 23]

[Guest the satanist wants your babies]

i have one for you. little mary was in sunday school one morning, and she was very tired. the boredom of class didnt help. naturally, she nodded off. soon after, the teacher asked little mary a question. 'who created heaven and earth?' a little boy poked her in the rib as she was asleep, and she jumped up yelling GOD ALMIGHTY!!! the teacher, pleased with the answer, continued with the lesson. mary fell asleep again. later on, the teacher asked anothe question. 'who is our lord and saviour?' again, the little boy beide her poked her again, and again she jumped up, this time shouting JESUS CHRIST!!! teach carried on with the lesson. mary fell asleep again. later on in the day, the teacher asked mary another question. 'what did mary say to joseph after giving birth to their twelfth child?' the little boy poked her harder than usual, jabbing her in between 2 ribs. his time arnoud, mary jumped out of her seat, pointed at the boy and shouted IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, ILL CUT IT OFF!!!!

 

 

 

(END)

[Handrejka 1,904]

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

Answer: 1368

 

 

1 to change the light bulb

 

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

 

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

 

53 to flame the spell checkers

 

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

 

(Another 6 to condemn those 6 as idiots)

 

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

 

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

 

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

 

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

 

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

 

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

 

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

 

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

 

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

 

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

 

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

 

6 that flame them for not using the Search feature

 

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

 

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

 

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

 

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

 

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

 

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

 

16 posts of two forum members that are exclusively talking to each other only about lightbulbs and what they did that weekend

 

24 posts of telling them to take it to PM's

 

1 moderator that comes in and says something about doing it wrong and that everyone who disagrees gets a warning

 

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[Phantom 2,533]

A Charity Pantomine in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted, "He's behind you"

[Godot 149]

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

Answer: 1368

 

 

1 to change the light bulb.... etc.

 

Only just seen this Handrejka. Excellent. But I think it must be 1369 for the one who insists on adding a smiley.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

CURRENT VACANCIES

 

Prostitutes wanted

 

Area: Suffolk

 

Pay: Hourly rates up to 100 pounds

 

Hours: Generall sociable, occasionally murder.

 

 

 

 

I'll get me coat.

[Godot 149]

CURRENT VACANCIES

 

Dolphin Wanted

 

Area: Maryport

 

Pay: All the chips you can eat.

 

Hours: daytime mostly, holiday season, peak times.

 

Prospects: sushi

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

New Words for 2007

 

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking B*ll*cks.

 

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

 

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

 

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

 

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

 

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

 

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

 

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

 

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

 

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

 

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

 

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

 

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

 

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

 

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

 

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

 

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

 

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

 

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

 

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

 

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

 

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

 

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

 

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person

 

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

[themaninblack 2,112]

I wish there were more SINBADs in the world...

[Rebecca de Winter 8]

I wish there were more SINBADs in the world...

 

There are, there are.....you just have to know WHERE to look for them....

[Captain Oates 21]

A first year teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her pupils. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first year. My sister is in the third year and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third year too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the headmaster's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the headmaster what the situation was. He told Ms Brooks that he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first year and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in, the conditions explained to him, and he agreed to take the test.

 

Headmaster: "What is 3x3?"

Harry: "9."

 

Headmaster: "What is 6x6?"

Harry: "36."

 

So it went, with every question the headmaster thought a third year should know.

He looked at Ms Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the third year."

Ms Brooks says to the headmaster, "Let me ask him some questions."

The headmaster and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms Brooks asked Harry, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The headmaster wondered why would she ask such a question.

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The headmaster sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The headmaster's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The headmaster was trembling.

 

Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The headmaster breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth year, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

[Windsor 2,233]

Q) What is the difference between Mr. Kipling and the Suffolk Strangler?

 

A) Mr. Kipling put 6 tarts in a box.