A Joke

[Captain Oates 21]

 

(Please delete the above post - I didn't do it to upset the mods, honest!)

 

Your wish is my command

Thank you HCW.

 

How do I now stop all the posts above mine from being deleted, one by one?

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

How do I now stop all the posts above mine from being deleted, one by one?

 

Simple, a brown envelope full of fivers discreetly left at a special place (to be mutually decided by the admin gods) and you might be promoted to mod

[Banshees Scream 110]

Simple, a brown envelope full of fivers discreetly left at a special place (to be mutually decided by the admin gods) and you might be promoted to mod

 

I guess Captain deserves it more then me. But I come in second.

[One shot Paddy 1,202]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging, his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

 

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost".

[One shot Paddy 1,202]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation

that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation, ...no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and

proclaims,.... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new

Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and

also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his

children!" More sighs and loud applause,

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher

stays, ... I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed

you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide,

holding his fore head with the palm of his hand, and shaking

his head from side to side, while his wife replies, ...

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,

and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"

[Slave to the Grave 26]

Not really a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it, made me laugh anyway.

 

Have a read of some of the worst analogies from US high school essays, as collected by teachers:

 

- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

- The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[OMG 0]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*stard told you I was speeding, too!"

[Phantom 2,530]

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in

Oxford:-

 

Dear Mrs *****,

 

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty

Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and

your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our

surveillance cameras:-

 

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people' trolleys when they weren't looking.

 

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

 

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares....and watched what happened.

 

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

 

September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

 

October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, picked his nose and ate it.

 

November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the housewares aisle, asked an assistant if

he knew where the antidepressants

were.

 

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "Pick me, pick me!"

 

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,assumed the foetal position and screamed, "No! No! It's those voices again."

 

And last, but not least:

 

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then

yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here."

 

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown

Store Manager

[honez 79]

After the Bob Woolmer incident at the Cricket World Cup, Pakistan may send a team to the Winter Olympics.

They think they're in with a chance in the Bob Sleighing.

[Banshees Scream 110]

What does the doctor who specializes on Alzheimer's say to his patient?

 

Opps I just forgot.

[maryportfuncity 10,616]

Sick jokes, podcast. Basically a hospital radio spoof that plays every record it shouldn't, kinda obvious but worth a smirk on yer way to work.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Jack and Jill went up the Hill so Jack could lick Jills F****

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of c***

cos Jills a pre op tranny.

[To die for 3]

Jack and Jill went up the Hill so Jack could lick Jills F****

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of c***

cos Jills a pre op tranny.

Ah ha, now I get it...insert where appropriate

 

Jack - Jack and the Beanstalk, a classical story or Jack the Front Loader, from Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends or jacking off, a euphemism for masturbation.

Jill - A generic representative of the female sex, as in jillstrap (also shortened to jill) or Jill Kelly, a pornographic actress or (more appropriate for licking gentials), a pet dog owned by Betty Spaghetty

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Jack and Jill went up the Hill so Jack could lick Jills F****

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of c***

cos Jills a pre op tranny.

Ah ha, now I get it...insert where appropriate

 

Jack - Jack and the Beanstalk, a classical story or Jack the Front Loader, from Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends or jacking off, a euphemism for masturbation.

Jill - A generic representative of the female sex, as in jillstrap (also shortened to jill) or Jill Kelly, a pornographic actress or (more appropriate for licking gentials), a pet dog owned by Betty Spaghetty

 

I really quite like that explanation.

I just thought it was a filthy, crude and pornographic verse....................

[Cowboy Ronnie 78]

Why Do Elephants Have Big Ears?

[TLC 9]

I don't know, why do elephants have big ears?

[Cowboy Ronnie 78]

I don't know, why do elephants have Big Ears?

 

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

 

 

Beep beep!

[TLC 9]

I don't know, why do elephants have Big Ears?

 

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

 

 

Beep beep!

I wondered if there was some significance to the capitalization, but was so eager for the punchline I didn't give it enough thought.

 

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

[Bald rick 9]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot?

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

What is E.T. short for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Cos he's got tiny little legs.

[Lady Die 63]

What is E.T. short for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Cos he's got tiny little legs.

Love it

[Winfield 8]

When a dog drinks H2O, does it come out as K9P?

 

I'll get me coat (sigh)...

[maryportfuncity 10,616]

Q - How does a Cumbrian find his sheep in very long grass?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A- Pleasurable.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm gettin' me coat an' all.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Q - How does a Cumbrian find his sheep in very long grass?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A- Pleasurable.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm gettin' me coat an' all.

 

...........just make sure its not a sheepskin coat.........that goes baaaaa.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Whats the difference between a Barrowboy and a Dachshund?

 

A barrowboy bawls out his wares.