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A Joke

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Just seen a French footballer playing on a nintendo...

It was Thierry on Wii

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2 hours ago, Wee Jum said:

26992333_1660290607412422_77924368552822

Should it not be cats?

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I wanted to masturbate in the cup.

I told her that I know I am good at it, but I don't think I am ready to compete just yet.

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B19330C3-6389-4B9B-8A04-62FD104DD718.jpeg

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I just thought of a really good owl joke. 

But I can't use it until 2/8/20

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Got a horrendous paedophile joke but you lot are just too young.

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Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

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I can't believe it's pancake Tuesday next week!
 
 
 
That's just crêped up on me.
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7 minutes ago, Wee Jum said:
 
27544682_1705836036178100_43485670017826

That one just keeps on giving, doesn't it.

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Just heard my local pizza delivery guy has died.

 

He topped himself.

 

(Chicken and Sweetcorn, apparently).

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The veterinarian who takes care of Doris Day's pets was tragically attacked and killed by a couple of German Shepherds. The journalist reporting the event was known for his lazy and brief headings, and the following headline appeared in the newspaper the next day:

 

"D DAY VET KILLED BY GERMANS"

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I was in the pub the other night having a quiet beer when a woman sidled up to me and said "did you know that beer has the same ph value as a vagina?"

She got upset with me when I replied that it was probably because of yeast.

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Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the hide to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of shot in the groin .

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to, and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Lyle.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.”

"Well, I guess the news could be worse," says Lyle. “Your sister's a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra, and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy"

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