Things To Do While Waiting For Death

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

2 minutes ago, Lard Bazaar said:

I don’t pray, but I’ll laugh my cock off when someone finally puts a hole between Trump’s eyes.

Yeah coz then someone can stick their cock into it and try and fuck some sense into him.

[GirlSarcastic 1]

Here's something we can do - help me come up with a new email disclaimer paragraph.  You know the thing after your signature that nobody ever reads?  Yeah, that thing.  Here is my current one:

 

"NOTE:  This disclaimer exists for precisely one reason—to make this email appear more professional. This disclaimer shall not be construed as a guarantee of actual professionalism on the part of the sender. Any actual professionalism contained herein is purely coincidental and is in no way attributable to the presence of this disclaimer. While the sender of this email likes to think the professionalism with which she approaches her work speaks for itself, this disclaimer constitutes (i) begrudging acquiescence to the industry standard, or at least a superficial imitation thereof, and (ii) begrudging acceptance of the paradoxical reality that people who exchange emails with her both expect to see, and pay no attention to, legal disclaimers. If you aren’t reading this, then this disclaimer has done its job. Its sad, pointless job. THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT INTENDED TO BE IRONIC."

 

I'm good and tired of it and hope you wits can give me some new ideas.  And yes.  This was stolen from someone else.  

[TQR 14,391]

On 27/10/2020 at 20:18, GirlSarcastic said:

Here's something we can do - help me come up with a new email disclaimer paragraph.  You know the thing after your signature that nobody ever reads?  Yeah, that thing.  Here is my current one:

 

"NOTE:  This disclaimer exists for precisely one reason—to make this email appear more professional. This disclaimer shall not be construed as a guarantee of actual professionalism on the part of the sender. Any actual professionalism contained herein is purely coincidental and is in no way attributable to the presence of this disclaimer. While the sender of this email likes to think the professionalism with which she approaches her work speaks for itself, this disclaimer constitutes (i) begrudging acquiescence to the industry standard, or at least a superficial imitation thereof, and (ii) begrudging acceptance of the paradoxical reality that people who exchange emails with her both expect to see, and pay no attention to, legal disclaimers. If you aren’t reading this, then this disclaimer has done its job. Its sad, pointless job. THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT INTENDED TO BE IRONIC."

 

I'm good and tired of it and hope you wits can give me some new ideas.  And yes.  This was stolen from someone else.  

 

 

"NOTE: This disclaimer was written by a complete stranger who was bored at work, as I completely lack the mental capacity for creative writing, or indeed I couldn't be bollocksed to write my own. God I'm useless. Not that this is necessary, of course; who actually has a disclaimer at the end of their email? Since when has that been a thing? Is this another thing Americans do to look clever or important? I mean, I've heard of people casually slipping in their job title and maybe a hand-written signature in a feeble attempt to self-aggrandise, but a disclaimer? That's taking the fucking piss. Disclaimers are a complete waste of space, as are their owners. Sure, this is a disclaimer of sorts, and yes, it's having an existential crisis, but what's the most remarkable thing here: the fact that this is a wholly unnecessary and yet self-conscious paragraph of bollocks or the fact that you're still reading it? Anyone who reads these things is clearly a pervert. Yes, you. You're a pervert. This disclaimer is on to you. We know what you've done. We have access to your hard drive. You sicken me. The authorities will know about this. Pack your things, assume a false identity, forge a new passport and hide for the rest of your miserable, unfulfilling, pointless life in the arse end of Tierra Del Fuego or somewhere, and die a scared, lonely death, mulling over all of your poor life choices, you fucking waste of piss and wind. Now get to fuck, you disgusting little cunt.

[GirlSarcastic 1]

On 30/10/2020 at 07:11, The Quim Reaper said:

 

 

"NOTE: This disclaimer was written by a complete stranger who was bored at work, as I completely lack the mental capacity for creative writing, or indeed I couldn't be bollocksed to write my own. God I'm useless. Not that this is necessary, of course; who actually has a disclaimer at the end of their email? Since when has that been a thing? Is this another thing Americans do to look clever or important? I mean, I've heard of people casually slipping in their job title and maybe a hand-written signature in a feeble attempt to self-aggrandise, but a disclaimer? That's taking the fucking piss. Disclaimers are a complete waste of space, as are their owners. Sure, this is a disclaimer of sorts, and yes, it's having an existential crisis, but what's the most remarkable thing here: the fact that this is a wholly unnecessary and yet self-conscious paragraph of bollocks or the fact that you're still reading it? Anyone who reads these things is clearly a pervert. Yes, you. You're a pervert. This disclaimer is on to you. We know what you've done. We have access to your hard drive. You sicken me. The authorities will know about this. Pack your things, assume a false identity, forge a new passport and hide for the rest of your miserable, unfulfilling, pointless life in the arse end of Tierra Del Fuego or somewhere, and die a scared, lonely death, mulling over all of your poor life choices, you fucking waste of piss and wind. Now get to fuck, you disgusting little cunt.

 

Ouch!  And yes, this is something that I think only Americans do.  It's ridiculous and pervasive.  Or perverted.  You may be on to something there.

[Spade_Cooley 9,521]

Clap.

 

 

[time 8,599]

On 11/11/2020 at 09:04, Spade_Cooley said:

Clap.

 

 

Soooo last lockdown

 

[TQR 14,391]

If we’re clapping...

[Sir Creep 7,070]

Ask your husband for money for a gift for your son's first birthday.
 

[William1971 8]

This never gets old

[Windsor 2,233]

Currently going through the old Kirk Session registers which have recently been put online. 

 

Having a great time finding out about all the hoor-maisters I'm descended from. Clearly I come from a long line of bastards...

[Sir Creep 7,070]

Complain to your family about how awful the finale of the TV series The Office was, only to have it fall on deaf ears.

 

Endings can be disappointing.  Just ask the boys’ family.

 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Try and top Yorkshire's suicide jockeys by packing more than nine people into an uninsured car: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-57261144

[Spade_Cooley 9,521]

Develop a healthy interest in an Irish pop singer

[Toast 16,138]

49 minutes ago, Spade_Cooley said:

Develop a healthy interest in an Irish pop singer

 

That is awesome.  I LOL'd at the "wipe-clean plastic sleeves".

[Sir Creep 7,070]

Camp out in your motorhome - at the cemetery.

[Story comes from the Highlands so probably not that odd.]

SC

 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Thieve and identity, sell that person's house and fuck off with the money

 

 

Link: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-59069662

[Sir Creep 7,070]

On 01/11/2021 at 17:50, maryportfuncity said:

Thieve and identity, sell that person's house and fuck off with the money

 

 

Link: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-59069662

This would play out differently and more appropriately in America.  
SC

[Miranda lass 98]

Go on the website deathclock, enter your information and see what it says.

Apparently, i only have another 17 years to live 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Turn 74, and decide to ride the fuck out of your e-scooter: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-59854204

[Sir Creep 7,070]

Do some ‘urban exploring’ at a vacant church.

 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Drive for 70 years with no licence

 

Doing the maths on this the guy is likely 83, and only now do they pull him. He started driving when he was 12!

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-60159649

[Bentrovato 1,087]

On 27/01/2022 at 20:43, maryportfuncity said:

Drive for 70 years with no licence

 

Doing the maths on this the guy is likely 83, and only now do they pull him. He started driving when he was 12!

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-60159649

Sadly the fuzz cannot see the funny side.  Prosecution for man who says he drove without licence for 70 years - BBC News

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

12 hours ago, Bentrovato said:

Sadly the fuzz cannot see the funny side.  Prosecution for man who says he drove without licence for 70 years - BBC News

 

 

Of course not, it calls their competence over the last 70 years into question. 

[Sir Creep 7,070]

Go bear hunting with your brother.

 

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/man-gun-bear-accidentally-kills-brother-takes-own-life-investigation-oregon/

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Blow yourself

 

The back pain is preferable to the pain in the arse of chatting up a likely sexual partner

 

link: https://www.ladbible.com/news/man-left-with-chronic-back-pain-after-trying-to-suck-his-own-penis-20220211?fbclid=IwAR3BHlezoD7X8QghaZ7yISx4zk96eU3Wka8K-KqGyc9t6AuLfkSExaao7eY