Banshees Scream 110 Posted July 10, 2007 A very lame bald - glasses wearing - joke tearing - white suited - mentally deluded - guitarist walks into the bar. He takes a seat and tries to act and move to a beat that isn't his and when the bartender asks 'what will it be?' he says drinks for everyone. They serve drinks to everyone but not to him. He says 'Did you serve the blond her drink?' the bar tender took a few blinks and said who? Mark? A police officer walks into the bar and says loud 'In the handicap zone who decided to park? In the meanwhile he yells it's not mine, bar tender hand me a glass of wine. So he stands up straight like Hitler and does a movement like Elvis as he jumps up to the small podium with his guitar and sings in the microphone 'I wish you both happily ever after!' and somebody says 'Who is getting married?' and he says 'I'm sorry everyone, I should have brought my glasses because I thought this was a church. So he takes off out the door and the police officer grabs him by the arm, and puts him in hand cuffs and lays down the law. 'Sir you have not payed for your wine, and you have parked in the 'handicapped section' you have the right to remain silent. (But officer I wore my prescription lenses!, I wore my prescription lenses!) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monoclinic 39 Posted July 10, 2007 A very lame bald - glasses wearing - joke tearing - white suited - mentally deluded - guitarist walks into the bar. He takes a seat and tries to act and move to a beat that isn't his and when the bartender asks 'what will it be?' he says drinks for everyone. They serve drinks to everyone but not to him. He says 'Did you serve the blond her drink?' the bar tender took a few blinks and said who? Mark? A police officer walks into the bar and says loud 'In the handicap zone who decided to park? In the meanwhile he yells it's not mine, bar tender hand me a glass of wine. So he stands up straight like Hitler and does a movement like Elvis as he jumps up to the small podium with his guitar and sings in the microphone 'I wish you both happily ever after!' and somebody says 'Who is getting married?' and he says 'I'm sorry everyone, I should have brought my glasses because I thought this was a church. So he takes off out the door and the police officer grabs him by the arm, and puts him in hand cuffs and lays down the law. 'Sir you have not payed for your wine, and you have parked in the 'handicapped section' you have the right to remain silent. (But officer I wore my prescription lenses!, I wore my prescription lenses!) And here we were thinking William Burroughs was incomprehensible at times... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted July 10, 2007 Why is air a lot like sex? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any What's the difference between Seattle and New Orleans? The suicide rate What is the difference between Paris Hiltons coffee table and a brand new one? 9 lines Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted July 12, 2007 It was reported on Scottish news today that a man's body has been discovered in a flat. They think that the man has been lying there dead for almost a year. Anyway, I had to sN-word when the closing statement of the report was, "The community here is shocked". Some bloody community in that area. It also goes to show how bone idle some councils are. It shouldn't take 11 months of unpaid rent to evict somebody! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted July 13, 2007 It also goes to show how bone idle some councils are. It shouldn't take 11 months of unpaid rent to evict somebody! What a jerk off the landlord must be! For god sakes not even gathering up his own money. (Unless he actually tried) but nobody answered the door. Then again it's a silent way of the landlord saying 'Thanks for paying me' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
VSBfromH 74 Posted July 13, 2007 Not a joke as such, but this story made me laugh: "Benoit Derosiers, 51, who police said was so inebriated that he could barely speak when stopped for DUI and who had trouble standing, beat the charge in Provincial Court in Sudbury, Ontario, in April when he proved to the judge a "legal necessity" for driving drunk: He had just attempted suicide and thus was forced to rush himself to the nearest hospital in order to get psychiatric care to head off another attempt" Above courtesy of http://www.azstarnet.com/allheadlines/191337 Nothing to do with death, but on the same page: "Lolita Bullock turned herself in to sheriff's deputies in Jacksonville, N.C., in May, confessing to robbing a Bank of America a week earlier. She then immediately requested the "crimestoppers" reward money, which (since she was then under arrest) she asked be given to her friend who accompanied her" and... "Internationally known West Papuan freedom-fighter Jacob Rumbiak, 49, who was once locked up for 10 years by Indonesia as a political prisoner, was convicted in April of three separate incidents, on the same day in 2005, of masturbating in public on trains in Australia (where he is a research associate at RMIT University). According to Melbourne's The Age newspaper, his record includes arrests for at least three other, similar offenses on trains or airliners. Of the latest conviction, according to The Age's reporter, "If Rumbiak was humiliated (by the judge's decision) . . . he showed no sign of it," and following the verdict, he shook hands with the police investigator" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TLC 9 Posted July 16, 2007 A very lame bald - glasses wearing - joke tearing - white suited - mentally deluded - guitarist walks into the bar. He takes a seat and tries to act and move to a beat that isn't his and when the bartender asks 'what will it be?' he says drinks for everyone. They serve drinks to everyone but not to him. He says 'Did you serve the blond her drink?' the bar tender took a few blinks and said who? Mark? A police officer walks into the bar and says loud 'In the handicap zone who decided to park? In the meanwhile he yells it's not mine, bar tender hand me a glass of wine. So he stands up straight like Hitler and does a movement like Elvis as he jumps up to the small podium with his guitar and sings in the microphone 'I wish you both happily ever after!' and somebody says 'Who is getting married?' and he says 'I'm sorry everyone, I should have brought my glasses because I thought this was a church. So he takes off out the door and the police officer grabs him by the arm, and puts him in hand cuffs and lays down the law. 'Sir you have not payed for your wine, and you have parked in the 'handicapped section' you have the right to remain silent. (But officer I wore my prescription lenses!, I wore my prescription lenses!) I knew there was something I'd been missing on my DL break.... awesome stuff. Shall I leave it another few days for the punchline to be posted? I can hardly wait. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Oates 21 Posted July 16, 2007 . . . . . . " and following the verdict, he shook hands with the police investigator" Oh...... YUK ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted July 17, 2007 a lyric... Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill sued the local authority for inadequate warning sign provision. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted July 24, 2007 Chinese man phones his boss. 'Me no work I sick'. Boss says 'when I'm sick I shag my wife, try that', 2 hours later Chinese man phones back, 'Me better, you got nice house'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
welshman 31 Posted July 24, 2007 Chinese man phones his boss. 'Me no work I sick'. Boss says 'when I'm sick I shag my wife, try that', 2 hours later Chinese man phones back, 'Me better, you got nice house'. Why is the guy Chinese? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handrejka 1,904 Posted July 24, 2007 Innuendo at its finest http://www.ivorysky.com/isihac/samantha-ha...o-now-40-43.php Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted July 25, 2007 Chinese man phones his boss. 'Me no work I sick'. Boss says 'when I'm sick I shag my wife, try that', 2 hours later Chinese man phones back, 'Me better, you got nice house'. Why is the guy Chinese? I was wondering that myself, and very nearly added on the bottom that I didn't know why he was Chinese, as I knew someone would ask that very question. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,689 Posted July 25, 2007 Chinese man phones his boss. 'Me no work I sick'. Boss says 'when I'm sick I shag my wife, try that', 2 hours later Chinese man phones back, 'Me better, you got nice house'. Why is the guy Chinese? I was wondering that myself, and very nearly added on the bottom that I didn't know why he was Chinese, as I knew someone would ask that very question. Unlike this one. With apologies to all Japanese DL members and guests (and all bin men): Bin man to Japanese chap: "Where's yer bin?" Jap: "I bin in the toiret" Bin man: "No, where's yer dustbin?" Jap: "I dust bin in the toiret" Bin man: "No, goddammit, where's yer wheelie bin?" Jap: "Okay, okay, I wheelie bin having a wank" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scsibear 4 Posted August 7, 2007 A good option for the DL Con1 may possibly be this..... Interested parties please study this It will come in handy...trust me..no Honestly...Muuuhahahahahaha enjoy P.S. Please use this in company for best resluts scsi Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deadsox 894 Posted August 8, 2007 This is not a joke but I thought the best part of the last Tammy Faye Bakker interview was when Larry King asked her "Tammy Faye - Your funeral - Whaddaya want?". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tuber Mirum 125 Posted August 10, 2007 I see the BBC isn't above raising a cheap sN-word with that old standard: the "Jobs Blow" headline. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scsibear 4 Posted August 15, 2007 Three Reasons why a Father should never go shopping for baby Clothes !! regards scsi Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dead O'Gonner 1 Posted August 16, 2007 a really bad joke i got sent yesterday, so bad i thought id share it and for once its clean. A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?" "That was Thora Hird." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monoclinic 39 Posted August 16, 2007 Three Reasons why a Father should never go shopping for baby Clothes !! regards scsi Looks like the little fellow on the left has had a surprise encounter with a deathlister. All very adorable. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dead O'Gonner 1 Posted August 16, 2007 Three Reasons why a Father should never go shopping for baby Clothes !! regards scsi Looks like the little fellow on the left has had a surprise encounter with a deathlister. All very adorable. i was always told i was an accident that could be a good tshirt Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boudicca 702 Posted August 16, 2007 I like this one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted August 16, 2007 Should we remove these baby pics before HoS returns? He'll have is up infront of a Judge before day break tomorrow... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted August 17, 2007 Dave Chappell talks about a baby standing at the street corner - 3 AM in the morning. I guess concern is overrated every now and then. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
