A Joke

[maryportfuncity 10,655]

 

 

 

ISIS are going to save on the expense of training suicide bombers by breeding swarms of killer insects.

 

Expect the first wave of Jihaddi Longlegs any day.

Brilliant! And stolen :-D

 

You say stolen, I say thoughtfully shared.

 

Beats being shariad.

 

regards,

Hein

 

 

 

An awesome pun, I salute you.

[Windsor 2,233]

I have no idea if this is new or old, but it popped up on my facebook page:

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

 

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

 

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

 

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

 

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

 

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

[Dr_T 254]

A man goes to confession and says, Bless me Father for I have sinned.

 

The priest says, Confess your sin to me my child

 

The man says, Yesterday I saw my wife bend over the freezer and I was overcome with lust. I had to have her there and then. So I went over to her, whipped her panties down to the floor, hiked up her skirt and just went for it.

 

The priest said Well I see no sin here my son, a healthy sex life is an important part of a loving marriage. Go in peace.

 

Gee father, said the man, You're a lot more understanding than the people at Woolworths!

[En Passant 3,743]

Woolworths? How old is this joke? Besides which, to my knowledge they never sold frozen goods anyway, pick 'n mix though - definitely remember that. And yes, I know it doesn't matter which shop, it's my pedantic side getting the better of me.

[Guest Guest]

this year is turning out to be a joke for deathlisdt. a bad one. nearly 50 nonagerians on the list and no one dies. someone up theres taking the piss. im going to have a word

[En Passant 3,743]

From somewhere in the depths of facefuck...First laugh I think I've ever had from that nonsense. Apocryphal naturally, but still.

 

Mr Wynd has been banned from Tesco's, but he didn't like shopping there anyway.

 

Yesterday he was at his local Tesco's in Fakenham buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for his bitch 'Sheba' and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

What did she think he had an elephant?

 

So, since he's rather silly & has little to do, on impulse he told her that no, he didn't have a dog, he was starting the Winalot diet again.

He added that he probably shouldn't, because he ended up in hospital last time, he'd lost 2 stone before he woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IV's in both arms.

 

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and he was going to try it again. ( practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with his story.)

 

Horrified, she asked him if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him, he told her no, he stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit him.

 

The guy behind her nearly had a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Mr Wynd is now banned from Tesco's for disrupting other customers.

[Windsor 2,233]

This one still makes me laugh:

 

Letter from Tesco

 

Dear Mrs. Marsh,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused.

All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:

Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh

Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:

1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley’s when they weren't looking.

2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.

4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.

5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”

8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.

9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme tune.

 

10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “Pick me! Pick me!”

11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It's those voices again!”

And; last, but not least!

12. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Please shop elsewhere.

Yours, etc.

[maryportfuncity 10,655]

This one still makes me laugh:

 

Letter from Tesco

 

Dear Mrs. Marsh,

 

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

 

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused.

 

All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:

 

Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh

 

Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:

 

1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley’s when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.

 

3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.

 

4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.

 

5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”

 

8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.

 

9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme tune.

 

10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “Pick me! Pick me!”

11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It's those voices again!”

 

And; last, but not least!

 

12. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 

Please shop elsewhere.

 

Yours, etc.

 

 

Legend, they should have employed him.

[En Passant 3,743]

Fred Talbot faces lengthy jail term following child abuse conviction - forecast:- A 95% chance of some deeply unpleasant showers.

 

I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, "How to spot a lady-boy".

He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere".
I said "That's the one"

[Pistol Knight 49]

I have noticed that the Postal Lottery have been running adverts on television lately. Most of them show over aged fat cows of women holding a large cheque. Looking at the wife just now I consider the odds of me grabbing the winning ticket to have shortened.

[Toast 16,150]

over aged fat cows of women holding a large cheque

 

Sounds like me, apart from the cheque

[En Passant 3,743]

The highlight of this year's Brits was a tribute to 'Allo 'Allo!, featuring Ze Fallen Madonna with ze Big Boobies....

 

^{Look, I just copied and pasted it from Facefark. High art it isn't}.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

The highlight of this year's Brits was a tribute to 'Allo 'Allo!, featuring Ze Fallen Madonna with ze Big Boobies....

 

^{Look, I just copied and pasted it from Facefark. High art it isn't}.

I only changed channels near the end as I thought I might catch Royal Blood (missed them) so imagine my utter JOY to watch her go FUCKING FLYING down them steps, LAUGHED MY FUCKING TITS OFF, mind you she wasn't the only one to fall on her ass that night, who was that UTTER CRETIN with Jimmy Carr?

[Phantom 2,534]

My children have the habit of blaming other people for their mistakes. They get that from their mother.

[Phantom 2,534]

Our dog died recently, my wife was really upset. So to cheer her up, I bought her an identical dog. She was absolutely livid about that. "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs"? she yelled.

[Deathray 2,941]

Our dog died recently, my wife was really upset. So to cheer her up, I bought her an identical dog. She was absolutely livid about that. "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs"? she yelled.

Old and Gold. Just like yer false teeth.

[Phantom 2,534]

 

Our dog died recently, my wife was really upset. So to cheer her up, I bought her an identical dog. She was absolutely livid about that. "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs"? she yelled.

Old and Gold. Just like yer false teeth.

 

I refer you to the first part of my signature.

[Phantom 2,534]

I went to university to study Agriculture & Communications specialising in sheep... I came out with a B.A.A

[Rotten Ali 600]

This made me laugh today...

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11444602/Woman-orders-cheese-and-biscuits-at-hotel-and-gets-this-instead.html

[En Passant 3,743]

And from a link on the same page. Some new 'Farrari', I'm kidding right? A national newspaper? That spelling? No, I'm not.

 

They get it right lower down the page, but I didn't read the whole thing so perhaps it's supposed to be misspelled and it's explained later, but I was already bored of it:- Sit in the same traffic in your 1/4 million Farrari as I do in my Foard shitbox.

 

Edited to add:- Perhaps unsurprisingly, by this morning they had fixed it.

[Toast 16,150]

This made me laugh today...

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11444602/Woman-orders-cheese-and-biscuits-at-hotel-and-gets-this-instead.html

 

That reminds me of the time we were in a restaurant in Dublin. There was a cheeseboard on the menu.

Wondering if it would have Irish cheeses or a general selection, I asked the waitress what kind of cheese was featured.

She didn't know. She would have to go and ask in the kitchen, she said.

On her return, she had the answer.

"It's just cheese", she said.

[Phantom 2,534]

 

This made me laugh today...

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11444602/Woman-orders-cheese-and-biscuits-at-hotel-and-gets-this-instead.html

 

That reminds me of the time we were in a restaurant in Dublin. There was a cheeseboard on the menu.

Wondering if it would have Irish cheeses or a general selection, I asked the waitress what kind of cheese was featured.

She didn't know. She would have to go and ask in the kitchen, she said.

On her return, she had the answer.

"It's just cheese", she said.

 

Usually when restaurants just offer "cheese" it's usually cheddar.

[Cat O'Falk 3,290]

 

This made me laugh today...

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11444602/Woman-orders-cheese-and-biscuits-at-hotel-and-gets-this-instead.html

 

That reminds me of the time we were in a restaurant in Dublin. There was a cheeseboard on the menu.

Wondering if it would have Irish cheeses or a general selection, I asked the waitress what kind of cheese was featured.

She didn't know. She would have to go and ask in the kitchen, she said.

On her return, she had the answer.

"It's just cheese", she said.

 

Was there a bouzouki player in the room?

[Phantom 2,534]

I lost my thesaurus last week, I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

[torbrexbones 717]

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right".