The Happy Reaper 223 Posted May 25, 2016 A Glasgow man phoned his local takeaway. "Do you deliver?" he asked. The girl replied, "Naw, just fish or chicken!" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted May 25, 2016 A Glasgow man phoned his local takeaway. "Do you deliver?" he asked. The girl replied, "Naw, just fish or chicken!" Back in the 1970's a Glaswegian rings up a shop to complain about something and does so from a call box. When the pips go the woman at the other end of the line says "is there money in the box?" and he says; "no, I'm here by myself!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted May 26, 2016 Not really a joke but it made me laugh 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted May 26, 2016 Ahahaha, no, not a joke, but provided more of a laugh than most variations of the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsmen who habitually spend their time walking into bars. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted May 27, 2016 Rafa Nadal has announced his withdrawal from the French Open due to a wrist injury. Too much endurance training! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted May 27, 2016 Rafa Nadal has announced his withdrawal from the French Open due to a wrist injury. Too much endurance training! *throws tomato at Deathray. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,054 Posted May 29, 2016 Sahra Wagenknecht, a German MP who called for a limit on the number of immigrants to the country, had a chocolate cake shoved in her face. None of the parties involved, including the cake, came from the Black Forest. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted May 31, 2016 So, on Robin Gibb's deathbed he says to the undertaker: "Can you bury me with my twin Maurice" The undertaker says, "Dunno, how deep is your bruv?" 6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted May 31, 2016 My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted May 31, 2016 Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. "Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour", As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - "Gorgonzola ?""Wait, it is not on yet." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted May 31, 2016 Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. "Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour", As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - "Gorgonzola ?" "Wait, it is not on yet." I've just done a bit of sick in my mouth 😷😷😦 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tempus Fugit 214 Posted May 31, 2016 I wonder if cock cheese will be the new artisan cheese of choice for dinner parties, it's certainly produced in small batches and is about as regionally exclusive as it's possible to be. Probably be in Waitrose soon. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Youwanticewiththat 611 Posted May 31, 2016 I wonder if cock cheese will be the new artisan cheese of choice for dinner parties, it's certainly produced in small batches and is about as regionally exclusive as it's possible to be. Probably be in Waitrose soon. Only if you've got a Smeg fridge dwarlink 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted June 2, 2016 A woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants, has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted June 2, 2016 If you think your job is boring, repetitive and utterly pointless, cheer up, consider the fact that there's a fellow somewhere in Bavaria installing the indicators on BMW's. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted June 5, 2016 An Indian, a Maori, a Halibut and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and............... A Genie appeared ! "I can only grant four wishes !" the Genie said "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece !" Pointing to the Maori, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish." The Maori thought for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa." Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline. The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky. The Halibut said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Halibut countries and serve the Prophet Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach. Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish ?" The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Halibuts getting on top of the camels and riding off. He said, "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted June 6, 2016 What do you call a child in the body of a man? Sir Creep! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Youwanticewiththat 611 Posted June 6, 2016 What do you call a child in the body of a man? Sir Creep! & You know what you call a man in the body of a child........ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted June 6, 2016 What do you call an arsehole who sucks off Trafalgar Square's famous monument for fun? Lord Fellatio Nelson What do you call a sectioned patient who think he's the doctor? Dr Zorders Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted June 6, 2016 What do you call an arsehole who sucks off Trafalgar Square's famous monument for fun? Lord Fellatio Nelson What do you call a sectioned patient who think he's the doctor? Dr Zorders MK can be forgiven for lame 'jokes' because he is a child. You have no such excuses. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted June 6, 2016 Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Gulf War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy who was a Weegie, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,070 Posted June 7, 2016 What do you call a child in the body of a man? Sir Creep! Actually Sir Creep always says he is an 80-year old woman trapped in a man's body. SC 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted June 9, 2016 A truck has shed it's load of Lego on the M8 in Glasgow. Traffic is starting to build. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Russ 7,228 Posted June 9, 2016 I know a joke. Me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted June 10, 2016 DOCTOR: Your leg is brokenME: So what happens now?D: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturallyHORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
