Football

[time 8,624]

I found this while reading Sir Bobby's Obit. Thought it was worth sharing. English Club for Sale, on eBay

 

Shame the auction's closed.

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,689]

Mark Wright and Chester City. I reckon another six-month whirlwind romance before divorce #3.

I was only two months out. He'll probably be back in October 2011.

From bad to worse - Vaughan the crook is still in charge and we start life in the conference on -25pts.

 

There must be a rich Arab out there who's a Hollyoaks fan?

[themaninblack 2,112]

Gunn gets the bullet...

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

Gunn gets the bullet...

 

Bit unfair since their problems are in the boardroom. Also kid's stuff, hell, Carlisle sacked Neil McDonald early on the Monday morning, less than 48 hours after the kick off of the 07/08 season. And we'd drawn the opening game! Now that's brutal!

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Tottenham 2 Liverpool 1.

Please allow me to gloat and come back to this post to gloat again as the season progresses.

Thank you.

[themaninblack 2,112]

Tottenham 2 Liverpool 1.

Please allow me to gloat and come back to this post to gloat again as the season progresses.

Thank you.

 

Yes. Come back after 38 games...

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

[time 8,624]

 

Quite right. Only 40 grand a week to play on bumpy pitches? Please!

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

Not at all impressed with ours today. Looking forward to seeing whether Scott Dobie made any contact at all with Lee Holmes, resulting in the 93rd minute free-kick that levelled the scores.

[Monoclinic 39]

Not at all impressed with ours today. Looking forward to seeing whether Scott Dobie made any contact at all with Lee Holmes, resulting in the 93rd minute free-kick that levelled the scores.

 

[honez 79]

Wrexham 0 - 0 Chester. Their first non-league local derby sounded like a real rip snorter...

"With both sides lacking ideas the game fell into long balls from either end and it was a question of whether a defender was going to make a mistake."

Enthralling, no doubt.

[Godot 149]

.

[themaninblack 2,112]

.

 

In it's own way, that clip from The Downfall must be one of the most famous scenes in recent movie history...

[Terminator 13]

Funny ol' game, Saint.....

 

I was with One Man Jury last week and we talked about the Ukraine v England game and what it meant for Croatia.

 

Given the manager had said he'd field a strong team to win the game (to aid the 2018 World Cup bid for England) and being in the position of deciding the fate of Croatia...I said that there was only one solution - create an artificial event that would allow the loser to not actually being beaten.

 

The analogy was a "hero" unbeaten wrestler. If he wins every time, it's difficult to bring through the newbies. What happens is that the hero is beaten (by use of outside interference) and therefore never really lost in principle.

 

To satisfy the England manager's requirement to perform AND to remove Croatia from the competition. the easiest option is to play Ferdinand (and rely on his lack of ability) and get the goalie red-carded. If that happens and England play a brave game undermanned, yet lose, who takes the blame?

 

I think it was well worked-out. Deliberately handing the game to the opposition - especially getting the goalie red-carded (with the added penalty kick bonus) - was a work of art. Unfortunately, their idiot striker couldn't even hit the target.

[Terminator 13]

Funny ol' game, Saint.....

 

I was with One Man Jury last week and we talked about the Ukraine v England game and what it meant for Croatia.

 

Given the manager had said he'd field a strong team to win the game (to aid the 2018 World Cup bid for England) and being in the position of deciding the fate of Croatia...I said that there was only one solution - create an artificial event that would allow the loser to not actually being beaten.

 

The analogy was a "hero" unbeaten wrestler. If he wins every time, it's difficult to bring through the newbies. What happens is that the hero is beaten (by use of outside interference) and therefore never really lost in principle.

 

To satisfy the England manager's requirement to perform AND to remove Croatia from the competition. the easiest option is to play Ferdinand (and rely on his lack of ability) and get the goalie red-carded. If that happens and England play a brave game undermanned, yet lose, who takes the blame?

 

I think it was well worked-out. Deliberately handing the game to the opposition - especially getting the goalie red-carded (with the added penalty kick bonus) - was a work of art. Unfortunately, their idiot striker couldn't even hit the target.

Anyhow...old "robber-nose" Ferguson was right about the fitness of referees. The Villa v Chelsea referee has phoned in sick (delaying the match).

 

[Did this fix it? -- MH]

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

It's go so bad for the Carlisle that the team above us is Exeter City......don't nobody tell DDT will ya?

[DevonDeathTrip 2,358]

It's go so bad for the Carlisle that the team above us is Exeter City......don't nobody tell DDT will ya?

 

MPFC, how is Lennie Pidgley getting on for Carlisle? He had a trial with Exeter earlier this year, but he didn't do very well and the rumour is that he was intoxicated for the whole week that he was here.

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

He's playing well and being tested regularly, given the tendency for our whole defence to go walkabout as crosses rain in. On the other hand, Pidgeley picked up a drink-driving conviction soon after arriving in the great Border city and is now a member of a conspiciously hard-drinking squad. Message board posts regularly feature spotting of CUFC players on the razzle and teenage striker Gary Madine was arrested in public and later copped a fixed penalty for drunk and disorderly. Obviously, the inevitable and soon-to-come sacking of Greg Abbott will lead to this drinking culture being smashed and a rapid rise up the table. Madine - incidentally - is supposed to be going on loan to Coventry next week, summat none of us can fathom, he struggled on loan at Rochdale last year.

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

I wonder if the Liverpool fan that threw the big red baloon/beach ball on to the pitch has been identified, and brutally slain by fellow scousers yet?

[themaninblack 2,112]

I wonder if the Liverpool fan that threw the big red baloon/beach ball on to the pitch has been identified, and brutally slain by fellow scousers yet?

 

No, they still blame Lucas as always...

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

I'll bet The Sun newspaper will name him tomorrow, giving the scousers more reason to hate them.

[VSBfromH 74]

I'll bet The Sun newspaper will name him tomorrow, giving the scousers more reason to hate them.

 

Apparently they're now saying it was all a hoax ... oh, sorry, that was the other "balloon boy"! Still, I reckon this one will be hiding in a box in his parents' attic at this very moment!

[Monoclinic 39]

These are dangerous times to be a footballer. Imagine if this were to happen to Portsmouth.

[maryportfuncity 10,657]

The following is causing much amusement on football message boards, originally appeared on a message board for Grimsby Town FC

 

 

 

 

Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC

 

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

 

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

 

I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little píssflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely fúck all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

 

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

 

I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

 

I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

 

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

 

Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

 

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you fúcking dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all fúck off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

 

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

A very disillusioned Mariner

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

The following is causing much amusement on football message boards, originally appeared on a message board for Grimsby Town FC

 

 

 

 

Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC

 

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

 

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

 

I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little píssflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely fúck all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

 

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

 

I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

 

I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

 

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

 

Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

 

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you fúcking dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all fúck off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

 

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

A very disillusioned Mariner

 

This has shocked me to the core, not least because I thought LFN supported Spurs