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Fred Talbot faces lengthy jail term following child abuse conviction - forecast:- A 95% chance of some deeply unpleasant showers. I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, "How to spot a lady-boy". He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere". I said "That's the one"

Come, come. We are all different: but we are all special.

2/50 For fuck's sake, man. Whatever happened to "rest in peace"? Your "x/50" posts everytime you get a hit seem so heartless. Jourdan and Scott were major stars, WE ARE LOSING ALL OUR MAJOR STARS AND SOON THEY'LL ALL BE GONE.........and they won't return.

The illness isn't islam, christianity or whatever. As history shows, some xians, when given the opportunity, will do the same. The illness is a society that condones and supports fanaticism. regards, Hein

There's a docu-drama (more drama than docu, mind) on this week, imagining the first 100 days of an unexpected UKIP government. "Real" in the same way the drama about the execution of Gary Glitter was a perverse peak into a world on the fringe of possibility, or summat.

Do you think they're referring to our very own The Unknown Man?

Wonder if tonights casualty was based on these two? Really hope he doesn't have telly access if so - can just imagine the kind of sick pleasure he'd get from it.

Or he could go on the roof to fix the aerial.

Will you be jumping on it again when it comes back round?

This one still makes me laugh: Letter from Tesco Dear Mrs. Marsh, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below: Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store: 1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley’s when they weren't looking. 2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets. 4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened. 5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department. 7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?” 8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion. 9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme tune. 10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “Pick me! Pick me!” 11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It's those voices again!” And; last, but not least! 12. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" Please shop elsewhere. Yours, etc.

Mr Hockney duly resides in the masterlist Lardy...given the tonnage of local hero picks I'd never heard of I assumed he was your doddery next door neighbour with enough local clout to snag a paragraph in the paper when he carked. Hockney is old and a smoker, so you may just get a result here despite his apparant good health at present.

I have no qualms about making my list public because considering my previous form anyone who copies my choices is doomed to disappointment Jean Alexander Rodney Bewes George H W Bush Pamela Cundell Liz Dawn Kirk Douglas John Freeman Zsa Zsa Gabor John Glenn Billy Graham Jeremy Hutchinson (Joker) Ethel Lang Les Munro Leonard Nimoy Leslie Philips Olaf Pooley Peter Sallis Sam Simon Phil Spector June Spencer

Need more posts from Cowboy Ronnie, HMBAWA, OoO & Godot. Real people with real block surface know how and gravitas.

Old McDonald had a plane...

So, er..... what is that? Just normal recipes by holocaust survivors? Or is it a collection of ingeniously resourceful recipes that will come in really useful if you are ever put into concentration camp(s)? Like how to make a lovely chilli con carne out of just dead rats? One thing is for sure, they wouldn't have been short of an oven or two...

So...uhm...yeah...

You could always pretend by fucking off and not posting again