A Joke

[Toast 16,141]

I just brought a new LCD television.

 

It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother

 

Spooky. I've just been reading Fahrenheit 451.

[Bibliogryphon 9,586]

 

 

 

I just brought a new LCD television.

 

It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother

I don't get it?

Me neither. I'm guessing LCD means lowest common denominator?

exactly thankfully you don't have a sister who is into that shit. In my research I have found that lowest common denominator means teenage girls because face it all the watch is crap but in movies and on TV even crap music

 

 

My sister liked David Cassidy.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

 

 

 

 

I just brought a new LCD television.

 

It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother

I don't get it?

Me neither. I'm guessing LCD means lowest common denominator?

exactly thankfully you don't have a sister who is into that shit. In my research I have found that lowest common denominator means teenage girls because face it all the watch is crap but in movies and on TV even crap music

 

 

My sister liked David Cassidy.

 

 

 

So, have you mentioned his repeated drink driving convictions since he turned 60 and told her he might well be one of ours in the next few years?

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Apparently someone conducted a poll of the country's most intelligent football fans and there was a mixed reaction on whether Britain should be bombing Serie A.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Which Knight built the round table?

 

Circumference

[Phantom 2,533]

What do the books "50 Shades of Grey" and "Green Eggs and Ham" have in common?

 

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

What do the books "50 Shades of Grey" and "Green Eggs and Ham" have in common?

 

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

hey fifthy shades is a masterpiece not convinced then read these greats qutoes like "I feel the color in my cheeks rising again, I must the color of the Communist manifesto. That is what I call poetry and if you don't like that quote then you DON'T BELONG IN THE UNIVERSE

[paulh85 101]

 

What do the books "50 Shades of Grey" and "Green Eggs and Ham" have in common?

 

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

hey fifthy shades is a masterpiece not convinced then read these greats qutoes like "I feel the color in my cheeks rising again, I must the color of the Communist manifesto. That is what I call poetry and if you don't like that quote then you DON'T BELONG IN THE UNIVERSE

 

 

:banghead:

[En Passant 3,741]

I went to a positive thinking class today.
It was half empty....

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

Does it still count as 'two for joy' if you accidentally run over the other magpie?

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Does it still count as 'two for joy' if you accidentally run over the other magpie?

 

 

Depends on the bird's obit chances, or if it's a useless human magpie in a Newcastle United shirt.

[Deathray 2,940]

 

Does it still count as 'two for joy' if you accidentally run over the other magpie?

 

 

Depends on the bird's obit chances, or if it's a useless human magpie in a Newcastle United shirt.

 

 

I'll bite - we've won one, lost one which is a hell of a lot better than Sunderland or Carlisle for that matter.

 

Also can someone explain why the PL has 20 teams whilst the Championship down to the National League have 24 teams?

[time 8,611]

 

 

Does it still count as 'two for joy' if you accidentally run over the other magpie?

 

 

Depends on the bird's obit chances, or if it's a useless human magpie in a Newcastle United shirt.

 

 

I'll bite - we've won one, lost one which is a hell of a lot better than Sunderland or Carlisle for that matter.

 

Also can someone explain why the PL has 20 teams whilst the Championship down to the National League have 24 teams?

 

£££££££££££

[Dr_T 254]

A 15 year old boy goes to confession and says "Bless me father for I have sinned"

"Confess your sins to me, my child," says the priest.

"Well you see father, every time I masturbate, and it's pretty often, I fantasise about my mother."

"Now, now,", says the priest. "What sort of disgusting, immoral, degenerate, perverted, sick sort of boy are you, to be thinking about your mother when you do that filthy thing to yourself. And with you having such a lovely younger brother!"

[Perfect Passing 277]

For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

 

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child.

 

He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18,... and also pay for college.

 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

 

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

 

He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.'

 

She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card.

 

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!

[torbrexbones 717]

The Schitts

 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

[torbrexbones 717]

Two nuns are driving along a dark country lane one evening, when they see a glowing light up ahead. As they approach they see the Devil standing there, right in the middle of the road.


"What shall we do ?" says one nun in a panicky voice.
"I know", says the other nun, "Show him your cross, that'll scare him off".
"Good idea", says the first nun. So she winds down the window, leans out, and shouts, "Oy, get the fuck out of our way, you pointy-tailed, cloven-hoofed little bastard".

[RadGuy 1,614]

I was at church today, and I noticed something odd. There were a couple of altar boys, as usually, but there was also an altar girl.

 

Huh. I guess the priests at my parish are bisexual.

[Deathray 2,940]

Why are migrants being encouraged to move into Austria and Germany by neihbouring states?

 

Because there not wanted 'n' hungary.

[Deathray 2,940]

What's the difference between Mary Whitehouse and Bibliogryphon?

 

Mary Whitehouse was less prissy and old-fashioned.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

You know how that Dermot Morgan guy died of a heart attack, right after he finished filming the final series of Father Ted?

 

We all know how manic his performances were, and the cast said he put so much effort into his acting.

 

I was thinking, if only someone on set had some sage words of advice, like "at your age you really can't go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on like this"....?

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

From the support to Jo Brand tonight

 

This Halibut woman looks at a nun and says, look at that slapper with her face hanging out!

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

What's worse than having a worm in your Apple

 

The Holocaust

[mijkediablo 79]

What's worse than having a worm in your Apple

 

The Holocaust

 

That's the ultimate all-purpose offensive joke. I usually use cancer, or gang rape.

 

I mean I use them as the punchline, not in any weird BDSM sense.