A Joke

[Cat O'Falk 3,290]

Mick Hucknall's been arrested on a charge of bestiality with Bugs Bunny; a police source said he was holding back the ears whilst singing Bunny's too tight to mention.

[themaninblack 2,112]

What biscuit is the most roughed up when on the street?

 

Accosted cream...

[rockhopper penguin 2,265]

Which reminds me of ..... I was once given a talking biscuit but I couldn't understand it. I guess that's the way the cookie mumbles.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

I bought viagara eye drops.

 

I now look hard as f**k!

[Deathray 2,940]

Shameless facebook copypasta

 

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Q - What do you call a gay female eskimo?

 

A - A Klondike!

[themaninblack 2,112]

Hipsters: Save money by washing your face and hair with shampoo.

[rockhopper penguin 2,265]

Donald Trump.

[Joey Russ 7,228]

Two scientists were at restaurant. When the waiter asked the what to drink, the first scientist said, "I'll have H2O." The second scientist started to say "I'll have H20 too," but then he told the first scientist, "Wait a minute. You had something up your sleeves, didn't you?" He then told the waitress, "I'll have a glass of water." The first scientist was furious, staring at him in anger, because his plan to kill the second scientist has failed.

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

Two scientists were at restaurant. When the waiter asked the what to drink, the first scientist said, "I'll have H2O." The second scientist started to say "I'll have H20 too," but then he told the first scientist, "Wait a minute. You had something up your sleeves, didn't you?" He then told the waitress, "I'll have a glass of water." The first scientist was furious, staring at him in anger, because his plan to kill the second scientist has failed.

That has to be the shitiest joke on this entire thread.

[Bibliogryphon 9,586]

 

Two scientists were at restaurant. When the waiter asked the what to drink, the first scientist said, "I'll have H2O." The second scientist started to say "I'll have H20 too," but then he told the first scientist, "Wait a minute. You had something up your sleeves, didn't you?" He then told the waitress, "I'll have a glass of water." The first scientist was furious, staring at him in anger, because his plan to kill the second scientist has failed.

That has to be the shitiest joke on this entire thread.

 

 

Its the way he tells em...

[msc 18,476]

The delivery is dreadful, but I liked the attempt.

 

**

 

Here's another dreadful one I heard years ago:

 

A Roman centurion walked into a bar and asked the barman for a Martinus.

"Don't you mean a Martini?" said the barman.

"Damn it, man" said the centurion, "If I wanted a double, I'd ask for it."

[Bibliogryphon 9,586]

This really fits into the group of jokes where the teller is trying to show they are cleverer than the receiver, like a short version of a Tom Stoppard play.

 

But why the hell not....

 

Two sodium atoms walking down the street when the first says to the second "I lost an electron"

 

"Are you sure"?

 

"Yes. I'm positive"

 

Bibliogryphon, CChem, MRSC

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

A guy turns 18 and since he is old enough to fuck he looks for a cat. He begins to shag a cat until a garda tells him to stop. He says "what's the problem"? And the guard responds "That's not whast fucking pussy means".

[Predictor 1,018]

A guy turns 18 and since he is old enough to f**k he looks for a cat. He begins to shag a cat until a garda tells him to stop. He says "what's the problem"? And the guard responds "That's not whast effing pussy means".

...and then the 18-year old responds "Aww man, and here I came fully prepared for this, with Tic Tacs and all..."

[Switch 141]

The delivery is dreadful, but I liked the attempt.

 

**

 

Here's another dreadful one I heard years ago:

 

A Roman centurion walked into a bar and asked the barman for a Martinus.

"Don't you mean a Martini?" said the barman.

"Damn it, man" said the centurion, "If I wanted a double, I'd ask for it."

A Roman centurion walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

He says: "Five beers, please."

[charon 4,943]

[Joey Russ 7,228]

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Yorkshireman goes to the vet and says; "There's summat wrong wi mah cat."

 

Vet says: "Is it a tom?"

 

Yorkshireman says: "Nay, I brought it wi me!"

[msc 18,476]

For those who haven't seen it on social media (I'm convinced it was on here, but it's not showing up via search engine):

 

 

Plane's going to crash. Four people on the plane. Three parachutes. The four are David Beckham, the Pope, a schoolboy and Donald Trump.

 

Beckham grabs the first parachute, says "My fans need me", and leaves the plane.

 

Trump grabs the second, says "I'm the smartest President in history, the world needs me", and leaves the plane.

 

The Pope turns to the schoolboy, and says: "My boy, you take the final parachute. I am an old man, you have your life ahead of you."

 

The schoolboy smiles. "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute," he said. "The smartest President in history just took my schoolbag."

[Joey Russ 7,228]

For those who haven't seen it on social media (I'm convinced it was on here, but it's not showing up via search engine):

 

 

Plane's going to crash. Four people on the plane. Three parachutes. The four are David Beckham, the Pope, a schoolboy and Donald Trump.

 

Beckham grabs the first parachute, says "My fans need me", and leaves the plane.

 

Trump grabs the second, says "I'm the smartest President in history, the world needs me", and leaves the plane.

 

The Pope turns to the schoolboy, and says: "My boy, you take the final parachute. I am an old man, you have your life ahead of you."

 

The schoolboy smiles. "Don't worry, we can both take a parachute," he said. "The smartest President in history just took my schoolbag."

It was worded differently, with Billy Graham instead of the pope

[Handrejka 1,904]

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.

...

"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that, I married a preacher."

"What does your current husband do?"

"Oh, he's a funeral director."

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

What's Helen Keller's favourite colour for clothes?

 

Corduroy

[Joey Russ 7,228]

Happy Black Friday everyone...