maryportfuncity 10,615 Posted June 4, 2017 A bloke waved his arms around so much they developed mis-shapen lumps that eventually killed him Gesticular cancer! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,093 Posted June 4, 2017 8 hours ago, Perfect Passing said: Paddy, the Irish wrestler was < snip. I was at the Billy Connolly gig in 1975 when he cracked that one. The only difference was the name. Wee shug. (Scottish nickname for Hugh if you give a rats) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted June 15, 2017 A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy, armpit, pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy this lass a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Pour the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons, again pointing all round, revealing the same hairy pit, and asked "What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, But why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied..."Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!" 8 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dead Wait 1,128 Posted June 27, 2017 Brilliant one liner from Gary Delaney on Mock the Week this week...... I pulled a sickie the other day. Just one of the benefits of working in a hospital! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,069 Posted June 28, 2017 Actor Johnny Galecki's house burns to the ground. He said he doesn't know what caused it but does recall hearing a big bang. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RadGuy 1,614 Posted June 29, 2017 A young lad named Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'" 5 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RadGuy 1,614 Posted July 8, 2017 Some Bulgarian jokes... hopefully not too offensive... all in good fun. Why do Bulgarians wear slip-on shoes? Because you need an IQ of at least 4 to tie shoelaces! Why did the Bulgarian mother buy a dog? Because she wanted someone smart in the family! Why does the Bulgarian alphabet use the letters э, я, and и? Because Bulgarians are backwards! Why did the Bulgarian bring a car door on his hike thru the Sahara desert? So he could roll down the window when it gets too hot! Why did the Bulgarian woman wear two jackets when painting her living room? The can said you need to use two coats! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted July 8, 2017 1 hour ago, RadGuy said: Some Bulgarian jokes... hopefully not too offensive... all in good fun. Why do Bulgarians wear slip-on shoes? Because you need an IQ of at least 4 to tie shoelaces! Why did the Bulgarian mother buy a dog? Because she wanted someone smart in the family! Why does the Bulgarian alphabet use the letters э, я, and и? Because Bulgarians are backwards! Why did the Bulgarian bring a car door on his hike thru the Sahara desert? So he could roll down the window when it gets too hot! Why did the Bulgarian woman wear two jackets when painting her living room? The can said you need to use two coats! Four out of five of those 'jokes' you could replace Bulgarian with Australian, Irish, Blonde, Essex Girl, I could go on..... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,414 Posted July 9, 2017 On 06/10/2017 at 23:06, Joey Russ said: I noticed you coloured China in yellow you big racist neo Nazi Hitler supporting fascist sinophobic evil Holocaust denying bigot. Signed blue haired lefty 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
drunkasaskunk 194 Posted July 13, 2017 On 08/06/2017 at 23:37, The Mad Hatter said: Apparently they had to throw half of it away !!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Predictor 1,018 Posted July 13, 2017 On 2017-06-23 at 14:24, Joey Russ said: Maybe it's unrelatable for someone living as north as me, but I don't get this joke. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,093 Posted July 15, 2017 On 13 July 2017 at 22:54, Predictor said: Maybe it's unrelatable for someone living as north as me, but I don't get this joke. Avoid staying in the sun too long..... Skin cancer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted July 15, 2017 Orrrrrr... One day the Sun will go 'pooof' and Life on Earth will end. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,615 Posted July 17, 2017 On 15/07/2017 at 10:35, charon said: Orrrrrr... One day the Sun will go 'pooof' and Life on Earth will end. Technically speaking, no It's more a case of the debris swallowing us up after it's slowly expanded to destruction; and it won't sound like "pooof" if you're watching it. But we've got the best part of 60 million years left - plenty of time to wipe out ourselves and all life on the planet. This, incidentally, fits with a growing body of opinion with regard to the Fermi Paradox (wherein the great mathematician wondered about the mis-match between the mathematical evidence for the probability of life in outer space and the lack of hard evidence said life had ever visited us). A crude summary of the explanation is that civilisations may simply have a shelf-life and life may erupt and wipe itself out all over the universe with standard causes being polluting itself out of existence, conflict, poorly designed artificial intelligence or overpopulation and resource depletion. Have a nice day! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted July 18, 2017 I don't know who June is, but she is a very luck girl 6 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
