Leaderboard

But you do get all the best jobs and better pay.... ...oh wait.

The rom-com surely could be a Shallow Hal stylee job in which some slacker hell-bent on a clean sweep in the Rotten Dead Pool nails an early lead with a lucky snagging of aged celebs and a few who die in random accidents, at which point the only living person on his team is a Z-list reality TV bimbo down on her luck so far that she thinks she's in when he takes her out for coffee. A series of hilarious slapstick gags ensue as well-meaning passers by (played in cameo roles by well known faces) intervene to save her as his carefully laid plans to kill her in an apparent accident are thwarted. In the inevitable clinches and outbursts of crying that follow the near-death scrapes our anti-hero gradually develops genuine affection for the lady and the whole thing ends in the kind of mush-fest that puts the rom into the com, a la the final half hour of Three and Out, right? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the Shatner idea above but my idea could cast anyone within reason and be filmed in any country harbouring celebrities and obitable talent.

One of the posters on the wee footy forum I frequent has came up with this tale of Steve Strange holding a party, him and his mate, and The Associates. Kinda cool linking together yarn.

Like a fetid green bird...

that should say stroke not strole Sherlock, is that you?

Being a woman. Fucked pelvic floor muscles combined with coughing up sections of lung every few minutes means that this week I have been mostly doing impressions of that old lady in Little Britain that gushes piss everywhere. This led to me and my work buddy moaning about the fact that the only thing boys/men have to put up with throughout their lives is wet dreams, morning hard ons and their voices going a bit funny when they're 15. Us birds on the other hand have to put up with 50 years of bleeding like a stuck pig and having sore tits for one week out of every four, getting our gussets RUINED by childbirth, not being able to run, jump, laugh, cough or sneeze without pissing our pants, and when the bleeding stops, having five years worth of hot flushes, hormonal madness and vaginal dryness.

Bargain Hunt isn't even on telly at that time.... Antiques Road Trip Yes that makes sense, watch Antiques Road Trip, have a bit of tea and then fire up the internet to see which antiques dealers are likely to die... That's as reasonable a theory as anything else.

What do you mean? Next year there will be a DDP team called The Entire Human Race

Lol, I can assure you I will never watch the film or read the book

Am I a bad person for finding this post amusing? Solely because it was liked by "youwanticewiththat?" Please tell me you haven't just come out of the cinema after watching 'Fifty Shades of Grey' (or John Major's swatch book as it's known round here).

Am I a bad person for finding this post amusing? Solely because it was liked by "youwanticewiththat?"

That's actually quite a sad way to go. After going off and reporting in various war zones over the years, only to be killed in a traffic accident. Er........ (from the story): Yes, I'm fully aware of where he was killed. My point (since you're oblivious to it) was that he had been in Vietnam, Iraq, Northern Ireland..etc reporting on the fighting within these countries. Not exactly right at the front line, but still in a dangerous territory, only to be driving around Manhattan and be killed off that way. I think Zorders was displaying subtle humour based on the well known social conflicts in New York (vagrants v cops, gangs v cops etc) that's flown over your head to the same distance the planes flew over mist new yorkers heads back in 2001.

So, Harvey, is Tom Cruise really gay or not?Not all earthlings dislike the anal probe.....

On the bright side pissy pants always gets you a seat to your self on public transport

I wonder if they'll play 'Ashes to Ashes' at his funeral?

Really?

Joseph Luns, Dutch Minister of Foreign Affairs from 1952 to 1971, once remarked, when asked about the importance of his job: "being a small nation, we have a lot of foreign affairs." Dutch, with some 25 million speakers, isn't a small language, but the idea that to be able to trade with foreign nations it helps to speak some Foreign was not lost on the Dutch. We put real effort in teaching languages at school. All Dutch pupils are taught English and German, most also some French. Some schools teach more exotic languages like Russian, Spanish and nowadays Turkish and Arabic. At secondary school I spent at least 10 hours a week (out of 32) in English, German and French classes. I was also taught some Latin and classic Greek. I didn't do well in foreign languages and sat exams in Dutch and English only. I blamed my lack of talent. When I went to uni and had to read English a lot, I soon learned that I do have a talent for languages. It turned out that the way they're taught doesn't work for me. A few months of work in London made me fluent in English. I never became fluent in German. I can survive in French, but conversation in it is quite difficult. Those damn French talk to quickly. regards, Hein

How about an alive of 2015 thread? Could this be a repeat of 1991 with all surviving? Or will the first hit be after 23 March as in 1992? Am I getting bored? Answers on a post(card) please.

Local authority planning departments. They can all kiss my fat ass.

Nowt on his health, mind. So it may be as simple as he won't accept smaller tours and less bankable venues… What was this serious illness exactly? If it's something that he still has, he might be a good DL candidate in 2016, even if he is not world famous, think about the plethora of puns or obit headlines…

This one still makes me laugh: Letter from Tesco Dear Mrs. Marsh, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below: Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store: 1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley’s when they weren't looking. 2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets. 4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened. 5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department. 7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?” 8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion. 9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme tune. 10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “Pick me! Pick me!” 11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It's those voices again!” And; last, but not least! 12. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" Please shop elsewhere. Yours, etc.

Old joke but... Alright girls, it's eleven o' clock, candles out please. Pop! Pop! Pop! etc.

Pulphack! I remember your excellent posts. Or should I say I remember that your posts were excellent? The substance of them eludes me now. I shall do a quick search to refresh my memory. I popped back in the last fortnight too after a gap of a few years. It's great fun re-visiting threads from yesteryear that I'd forgotten. Possibly because I was pissed at the time. This site always had a nice balance between witty eccentrics and driven obsessives.

I have one and will be wearing it to my stepsons wedding in New Zealand in January.

I was sent details of a Flooding: Risks and Resilliance conference. To be held at the Mermaid conference centre.