A Joke

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[Dr_T 254]

A man is on an exclusive golf course having a round on his own. He encounters another player on his own and they suggest going around together. After a while they start chatting.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a stockbroker.

You must make good money.

Yeah, pretty good. See that house on the hill (pointing at a mansion not far from the course), that's my house.

Very nice.

What about you, what do you do for a living?

I'm a hitman.

Wow, that's amazing. How do you kill people?

I shoot them (and with that he goes into his bag and brings out his rifle complete with telescopic sights). I am such a good shot that I don't charge by the kill I charge by the shot. $50,000 per shot.

Can I have a look? The stockbroker looks through the sights towards his house and sees his business partner and his wife nude in the bedroom. That fucking bastard business partner of mine is fucking my wife. Look I have lots of money, can you fix them for me?

Sure...what would you like done.

Well that filthy bitch wife of mine you can shoot her in the head, but I need my business partner so can you shoot his dick off.

Ok. He sets up his rifle and stands there for ages waiting to take the shot.

What's going on?

Just give me a few more seconds and I think I can save you $50,000.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[Phantom 2,533]

I don't believe in Santa. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Dog walks into a Post Office and says; 'I want to send a telegram.'

 

The woman says, 'well, that's odd and we don't really do them anymore but...' and agrees to give it a go.

 

The dog says: 'Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.'

 

The woman says; ''Do you know you can get three more woofs for no extra cost,'

 

And the dog says...

 

'But then it wouldn't make any sense.'

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

When walking with my dog he stood up and said "alright I am going to talk now and only once. If you tell anyone I talked they won't believe you and I won't talk".

[Cat O'Falk 3,290]

[Phantom 2,533]

I asked a librarian if she had a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell, but she'd have to take a look to determine if it was there or not

[Phantom 2,533]

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now?" he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

[Phantom 2,533]

I did a gig at a fertility clinic the other day. I got a standing ovulation

[Phantom 2,533]

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

I have traveled around the world and mastered several languages. I master in kung fu and have a collage degree n six different courses and I also lie alot

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

I have traveled around the world and mastered several languages. I master in kung fu and have a collage degree n six different courses and I also lie alot

Shame you never mastered spelling.....

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

Duly stolen. You'll see it on Facebook soon.

[Toast 16,143]

 

I have traveled around the world and mastered several languages. I master in kung fu and have a collage degree n six different courses and I also lie alot

Shame you never mastered spelling.....

 

 

He's an artist as well though.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

What do you call a football team made up of Italian rapists?

 

Juventeredus

[Phantom 2,533]

Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.

One says, "I've never come this way before."

The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."

[Bibliogryphon 9,586]

In the run up to Christmas I see many towns are holding special retail events commemerating the deaths of Sir Terry Pratchett and Sir Christopher Lee

 

Late Knight Shopping

[charon 4,943]

What do you call a football team made up of Italian rapists?

 

Juventeredus

http://esportes.terra.com.br/sao-paulo/morre-juvenal-juvencio-ex-presidente-do-sao-paulo,01ee4a0128cb8474979278e10f41a0f5siiehrt0.html

 

And with that, the former mayor of Sao Paulo dies. Juvenal Juvencio.

[Sir Creep 7,070]

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ... ?'

'How long must this go on ... ? This fighting between our nations ... ? This hatred .... ? This animosity ... ? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes .... ?'

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ... ?'

'How long must this go on ... ? This fighting between our nations ... ? This hatred .... ? This animosity ... ? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes .... ?'

 

 

Ah, the old sectarian jokes eh?

 

Billy Connolly has a joke on an early album along the same lines but it involves Catholics, protestants, a Celtic vs Rangers game and the piss ending up in cups of Bovril

[Phantom 2,533]

A friend of mine told me that his wife had walked out on him, claiming that he was addicted to football.

He was really upset, they had been together for 5 seasons.

[Predictor 1,018]

YO MAMA IS SO FAT, I PUT HER ON MY DDP TEAM AND WHEN SHE DIED, IT GAVE ME A CLEAN SWEEP 20/20 WITHOUT ANY OF THE OTHERS DYIN'...

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

YO MAMA IS SO FAT, I PUT HER ON MY DDP TEAM AND WHEN SHE DIED, IT GAVE ME A CLEAN SWEEP 20/20 WITHOUT ANY OF THE OTHERS DYIN'...

............

This account hack brought to you by Spade Cooley and Morbidkid, in their first collaboration.