Room 101

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

I can't describe how furious I am right now!

 

I'm house sitting for my sister this week, and as I was walking to her house last night I noticed that the neighbours had their waste bins out. So I thought to myself, 'I had better put her bin out'. Given that she got married last week, the bin was fairly full. Not least because the bins now only get emptied once a fortnight. I wheeled the bin from the back round to the front of the house where you are supposed to leave it. I then made sure to leave it facing the correct way for their crushing machine. So that was that.

 

This morning I was awoken by the bin men outside. I looked out the window and they were doing next doors bins. I thought, that's good. I then went back to bed. Later on, as I got up, I opened the curtains. Our bin is still standing there full to the top!

 

F**king dickheads! They have left no explaination as to why the bin has not been emptied. I daresay that it's because the lid was slightly ajar! I'd love to know how their logic works. If the bin is full this week, how to they expect us to fit more rubbish in for the next collection in two weeks? I think I know why they have not empied it. They probably want us to buy another bin. Bunch of scummy c**ts! I can remember when binmen did their jobs! I can assure you that I will be writing a strongly worded letter to the Fraserburgh Herald!

 

As for the rubbish, give me one good reason why I shouldn't dump the rubbish where the bin stands! Leave it for the scaffi-man to clear up.

 

I feel your pain. Binmen are the scourge of decent society. Don't dump the rubbish where the bin stands, go and dump it outside the District Council offices. They'll soon pick it up then.

[deadsox 894]

Regarding the insect repellent discussion, only repellents with a lot of deet are effective. I always make sure I wash it off when I get out of the woods but you won't enjoy your outdoor experience with a bunch of mosquitoes biting you and there are now several serious diseases that you can contract from them.

[Godot 149]

Virtually all car drivers on motorways but me, especially those who overtake when you're on cruise control then immediately slow down, or those behind that speed up when you have overtaken so that you can't come out again. Bastards. The sooner that cars can be fitted with rocket-propelled grenades with a dispensation for their legal use in traffic disputes, the better, say I. It would make motorway driving a whole lot more interesting.

 

 

Congestion charge 2020?

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,684]

I'd like to put these noisy little green f***kers into Room 101.

Ring-necked parakeets, aka Kingston parakeets, they sound like Graham Poll blowing his whistle every two seconds and they're invading Ealing even faster than Poles or Antipodeans.

 

Looking out of my window right now, you'd swear a remake of Hitchcock's The Birds is being filmed, but there may be hope on the horizon in the form of a cull.

 

At least pigeons shut the f**k up, on the whole.

[Banshees Scream 110]

Are you leaving the windows open because you don't have central air? If that is the case you need central air. We all need central air.

 

Just don't go ballistic at the birds because the girl across the street won't have any idea why you are screaming. I once knew of this guy who was a neighbor of a friend of mine and he would be outside screaming at his car at 3 AM.

 

Afterwards he would look in the car mirror and say "O Les you lookin' fine" .. it was one of the most pathetic scenes I've ever had to witness in my lifetime.

 

 

Hey Harry Mack, keep it cool. It's worth having it installed.

[Windsor 2,233]

This is an extract from an email I received in my uni email address today:

 

"Further to our conversation I can confirm Aberdeen University Students will be

offered a discounted rate for General seating which will cost them £60.00 + Vat per

person. The code they will need when booking is AUSTUDENT."

 

General seating for what, I hear you ask? General seating to hear a lecture by former US president Bill Clinton. Well, for those prices, he can go f**k himself.

 

The big news from the North East of Scotland is that President Clinton will no longer be delivering his Aberdeen Lecture.

 

The news was broken by the headline "Clinton's blow to N-East".

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,684]

I really fucken loathe CJ from Eggheads on BBC2 - a right smug w**ker that doesn't know half as much as he thinks he does. The bloke's a DL member too, no doubt, but he's certainly a member. <looks in vain for a w**ker smiley>

 

Rotten Ali perhaps?

I know what you mean. The rest of them just get on with it but him - no! He does that thing with his eyes whereby when he answers they are either shut or fluttering. He is a w**ker.

What really annoys me about him is the way he violently shakes his head to signify yes or no on the panel before the answers are told.

God, he is a prick!

 

Thanks for reminding me how much of a smug prick he actually is, harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy.

The c*nt has a new Hitleresque hairstyle. Even though I hate most people on the planet, this bellended (ta AtJ) cockspanner (ta LFN) is light years ahead of the competition. Though I wish his death, I only do so with the proviso that it's extremely slow and painful.

[DevonDeathTrip 2,358]

Linford Christie. In the news at the moment claiming he is not given the recognition he deserves because he is black. I thought he wasn't given the red carpet treatment because he is a cheat who took preformance enhancing drugs, something he seems to be in complete denial about.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

I really fucken loathe CJ from Eggheads on BBC2 - a right smug w**ker that doesn't know half as much as he thinks he does. The bloke's a DL member too, no doubt, but he's certainly a member. <looks in vain for a w**ker smiley>

 

Rotten Ali perhaps?

I know what you mean. The rest of them just get on with it but him - no! He does that thing with his eyes whereby when he answers they are either shut or fluttering. He is a w**ker.

What really annoys me about him is the way he violently shakes his head to signify yes or no on the panel before the answers are told.

God, he is a prick!

 

Thanks for reminding me how much of a smug prick he actually is, harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy.

The c*nt has a new Hitleresque hairstyle. Even though I hate most people on the planet, this bellended (ta AtJ) cockspanner (ta LFN) is light years ahead of the competition. Though I wish his death, I only do so with the proviso that it's extremely slow and painful.

Go on Arry, throw a packet of wet cack in his face!!!!

I do confess that I get quite "emotional" imagining Judith, dressed in leather ( assuming she can squeeze the wrinkles in) taking me to task.........

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Insects and things that bite and sting you.

Ive got a swollen forearm, sore as buggery and I dont know what did it.

When i find out, its dead meat!!

Burn them all in Hell!

[Windsor 2,233]

People who urinate in public places.

 

On two occassions this week, whilst walking the dog, I have seen young people pissing in the streets.

 

The first occassion was on Wednesday night. I was walking on a path through Fraserburgh Academy grounds. As I was walking I could see three figures head to two in white tracksuits. They were neds - the worst kind of scum. Two of the three were pissing on a double door used as a side enterance. Couple of tinks. This must have been at about 9pm.

 

Then tonight, I turned a corner to go up a brae. Low and behold, a stream of pish was coming down it. I did, ofcourse, step off the pavement and walk on the road to avoid it. I knew of the offender (he was best boy in the Anchor Boys the year before I won it) and he didn't seem to bothered that he had been caught. This was at 8pm,in broad day light in a fairly busy area. Don't people care any more?

 

There was another occassion about two weeks ago when I was walking home from work. Some guy was ready to go when he spotted me. At least he had the decency not to commence with the pishing!

 

Next time I see someone doing that, I'm going to follow them to their house and do a big dump on their path way!

 

Sumbags!

[Tuber Mirum 125]

I once pished on Kneller Hall.

 

That's in Twickenham, for those who don't know.

[Canadian Paul 97]

Selfish f*****g co-workers.

 

So tomorrow is Canada Day but, because I work at a home builder's, the end of the month means that there are a lot of closings to be done, so I don't get the super long weekend (although I do get the day itself off). Once per week, I also get sent over to the law office part of the building to help them a bit. Today was that day for this week, so that I could help the conveyancers out since neither of the lawyers were there. There are two summer students, myself and this other kid, who drives a BMW and is fairly well off, compared to me who walks to work (50 mins) because I don't want to disturb my grandparents first thing in the morning (though they do give me a ride home every day). Usually I tend to be biased against rich kids, but he seemed really nice, so I figured I should grow up a bit and accept that not everyone fits the stereotype.

 

So 2:30 rolls around (I usually leave at 4:00) and I am told that the girls at the law firm are all going home by 3:00, and that I should leave as well. I respectfully decline, saying that I have to stay until the home builder lets me go, and that it wouldn't be fair to the other kid anyways if I got to go home early and he didn't.

 

Well five minutes later, my work roommate comes back and tells me that she checked, and the home builder people already went home 10-15 minutes ago, without so much as telling me. As if that wasn't enough, at least two people, including the other summer student, there knew that I left some of my personal affects, including my lunch bag and my runners, over at the front desk (that's the easiest place to store them, even when I'm working at the law firm) and they are now sitting there, locked up so that I can't them. I leave this stuff there every day, and probably make a bigger deal about it than I should, so they knew it was there. So now not only do I have to walk to work tomorrow in work shoes, which are going to tear apart my feet, but I have to carry my lunch to work in a plastic bag like a reject.

 

It just grinds my gears that I was willing to stay an extra hour and a half for someone who couldn't be bothered to think of anyone other than themselves. And while some people there couldn't have possibly known, a few did, and it pisses me off that not one of them thought to make a two second call to tell me that they were all leaving.

 

I need another drink. Maybe I'll be more coherent when I'm not so mad.

[Windsor 2,233]

I can sympathies with that CP. My co-workers are just as selfish.

 

A couple of weeks ago I was covering a kitchen shift. I was working with a 16 year old, Jade-Goody-like tink.

Anyway, trying to be nice I arrived at work early just to get things going. There are two dining rooms at my work so I started setting the one which I would normally do. She comes in about 10 minutes later and tells me that I have set the wrong dining room and said I would have to do the other (in a less polite manner). I told her I had started this one, so would finish. She then made her way into the kitchen moaning to the boss (he came down on my side). Anyway, we are almost at the good part.

To set the other dining room you have to put all the settings on a trolley and wheel it down a couple of corridors. So she set her trolley slamming everything as she went and cursing me under her breath. She made the mistake of piling everything quite high on the second shelf. So she starts pushing her trolley quite quickly, and it hits the very first door frame. Boof! Everything tumbles off the second shelf. There is broken glass and plates everywhere. She then does an attitude walk into the kitchen shouting at me, "This is all YOUR fault! This would NEVER have happened if you had set the other tables!".

 

I couldn't believe it. I then shouted back that if I had known that she were incapable of pushing a trolley, I would have set the other tables. Then a big argument started up which ended with her threatening to punch me. She then decided she didn't want to work with me so she started phoning other employees to see if they could come in. You can imagine my rage when she revealed the cover she was phoning for was not for her, but to replace me!

 

That is the worst work argument I've been involved in for a while. Probably the worst since the custard cream incident. Can't remember if I told you about that one...

[Madame Defarge 21]

Probably the worst since the custard cream incident. Can't remember if I told you about that one...

 

Even so, it might bear repeating.

[Canadian Paul 97]

I then shouted back that if I had known that she were incapable of pushing a trolley, I would have set the other tables.

 

Maybe I've had too much to drink today, but I laughed out loud at that one... capital... didn't we used to have an applause smiley? If so, I would use it here.

 

And I agree with the honoured Madame. If you're up to it, I can't recall hearing the custard cream story, so I too would be interested to hear it.

[Dave to the Grave 11]

And I agree with the honoured Madame. If you're up to it, I can't recall hearing the custard cream story, so I too would be interested to hear it.

Me too.

 

Although if the story starts with, ''You all sit in a circle.....'' and finishes,''.....last, has to eat it.'' Then I've already heard it.

[Gunjaman5000 30]

And I agree with the honoured Madame. If you're up to it, I can't recall hearing the custard cream story, so I too would be interested to hear it.

Me too.

 

Although if the story starts with, ''You all sit in a circle.....'' and finishes,''.....last, has to eat it.'' Then I've already heard it.

Another fine mess you've got yourself in to, et cetera...

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

And I agree with the honoured Madame. If you're up to it, I can't recall hearing the custard cream story, so I too would be interested to hear it.

Me too.

 

Although if the story starts with, ''You all sit in a circle.....'' and finishes,''.....last, has to eat it.'' Then I've already heard it.

 

 

After just vomiting my dinner back up, I remembered that when we were younger there was a particular boy who everyone called Biscuit. I just merrily called him it for ages, and then one day actually thought to ask someone why he was called Biscuit. I was genuinely ASTOUNDED at the reason! And still am, in fact.

[Paul Bearer 6,100]

After just vomiting my dinner back up, I remembered that when we were younger there was a particular boy who everyone called Biscuit. I just merrily called him it for ages, and then one day actually thought to ask someone why he was called Biscuit. I was genuinely ASTOUNDED at the reason! And still am, in fact.

 

OK then, I'll fall for it...................... Why was he called buscuit? (*Dons tin hat while waiting for reply)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although I think I may have heard it in a previous life

[deadtowrites 2]

After just vomiting my dinner back up, I remembered that when we were younger there was a particular boy who everyone called Biscuit. I just merrily called him it for ages, and then one day actually thought to ask someone why he was called Biscuit. I was genuinely ASTOUNDED at the reason! And still am, in fact.

 

OK then, I'll fall for it...................... Why was he called buscuit? (*Dons tin hat while waiting for reply)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although I think I may have heard it in a previous life

 

Perhaps he was a bit of a Jammy Dodger

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

After just vomiting my dinner back up, I remembered that when we were younger there was a particular boy who everyone called Biscuit. I just merrily called him it for ages, and then one day actually thought to ask someone why he was called Biscuit. I was genuinely ASTOUNDED at the reason! And still am, in fact.

 

OK then, I'll fall for it...................... Why was he called buscuit? (*Dons tin hat while waiting for reply)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although I think I may have heard it in a previous life

 

 

Edit - ooo, 'wank' didn't get censored - hurrah!

 

It's because of that custard cream story - you all sit in a circle round a custard cream, have a wank over it, and the last one to shoot his load eats it - this is why they called him Biscuit, because he had to eat it. I'm assured this really did happen, although I do actually think that there is probably a Biscuit in every town. Either way, I was just about to have a peach, but I don't think I'm hungry now.

[Canadian Paul 97]

After just vomiting my dinner back up, I remembered that when we were younger there was a particular boy who everyone called Biscuit. I just merrily called him it for ages, and then one day actually thought to ask someone why he was called Biscuit. I was genuinely ASTOUNDED at the reason! And still am, in fact.

 

OK then, I'll fall for it...................... Why was he called buscuit? (*Dons tin hat while waiting for reply)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although I think I may have heard it in a previous life

 

 

Edit - ooo, 'wank' didn't get censored - hurrah!

 

It's because of that custard cream story - you all sit in a circle round a custard cream, have a wank over it, and the last one to shoot his load eats it - this is why they called him Biscuit, because he had to eat it. I'm assured this really did happen, although I do actually think that there is probably a Biscuit in every town. Either way, I was just about to have a peach, but I don't think I'm hungry now.

 

I never understood why anyone would every play/think up that game. You don't win any award or anything if you win. "I'm going to chance the chance that I might eat the wank of all of friends because if I don't lose, then I... uh... don't have to eat the wank." Hint: there's an even more surefire way to avoid it.

[Monoclinic 39]

I never understood why anyone would every play/think up that game. You don't win any award or anything if you win. "I'm going to chance the chance that I might eat the wank of all of friends because if I don't lose, then I... uh... don't have to eat the wank." Hint: there's an even more surefire way to avoid it.

 

 

A limited edition custard cream would help those who have a zinc deficiency as zinc is required in sperm production. Seems a bit of a vicious cycle though, as deficiency probably arises through an over acquaintence with Rosie Palmer.

 

 

(I decided work time was not the best time to search for a more scientific link, sorry!)

[Windsor 2,233]

The 'Custard Cream Incident' is perhaps a misleading name, but it refers to the day I had 4 arguments within 4 hours at work one day.

 

The first one took place within the first 15 minutes of my shift starting. A carer came to the kitchen and asked my assistant for cheese from our fridge. My assistant agreed and so proceeded to the fridge. The carer made her way round to the other door during which time I had a word with my assistant. I told her that we really shouldn't be giving her cheese (she wanted to make cheese and toast for herself) because if she got, everyother carer would have wanted and it would leave us cheeseless (we have to hand grate our cheese!). The carer overheard me saying this to the kitchen assistant and let rip with her vulgar tongue. She called me a 'ballbag' and then said (very sarcastically) that when she got home, she would bring in cheese to replace that which she had taken. This did ofcourse piss me off, so I told her if she wanted cheese she could walk up to shop and buy her own if it really wasn't such a big deal. In the end she got the cheese from my co-worker leaving me fuming. For the record, the staff are allowed dinner from the kitchen but that is it. It is not our job to feed them. The carer in question is a bold bitch anyway. She talks to people like sh*t and tends to get away with it because her mother, aunt and cousin all work there and back each other up.

 

Then came the incident from which the chain of events gets it's name. Less than an hour after my first argument another carer came to the kitchen. She stood at the door and said asked my co-worker "Geez a Custard Cream". My dopey co-worker proceeded to the biscuit tray but then I stood in front of her and said "no". Had the cheese incident not happened, I probably would not have caused a scene, but being spoken to like that by the first cow put me in a foul mood. After I refused she once again turned to my co-worker and asked her again. I continued to block the way. The carer then snuck in behind me and stole the biscuit from the plate as my co-worker stretched it out to her. At that point I exploded and shouted to the carer 'Get out of this kitchen!'. I then went into a rant as to how we are not here to feed the staff. You will notice that on both occassions they asked my co-worker for the food. The reason they do this is because she has learning difficulties and will give out anything to her 'friends'. This is the girl who buys in frozen foods, lets them defrost, takes them home and chucks them back in the freezer. Anyway, that was the second argument.

 

The third argument came about 3 seconds later as I fell out with my co-worker who had now completely ignored me twice. I tried to explain to her that she was not supposed to be giving out food left, right and centre to carers - the food was for residents who pay for the stuff. All the time during my little lecture she stood with her arms folded repeating the phrase, "I'm not listening, I'm not listening...". This only made me more angry. I directed her towards the back cupboard (away from the audience) and repeated my lecture. She took it in this time. I do regret having to do that. Not least because a week later there were rumours going round the home that I 'took her by the neck' which was completely untrue.

 

The last argument came over an hour after that. I was getting increasingly pissed off during the day as I was hearing that the carers were speaking about me behind my back. At dinner time my friend Christopher was dishing up dinner's for carers and as he did so they were slagging me off saying how they had better hide there dinner from me before I threw it out. This was rather insulting because I've always given then leftover dinners - even backin the day when they were supposed to get nothing (office staff made up the rule for no staff meals, at that point I was fighting with them). So I was fairly pissed of. After dinner time a carer came to the kitchen asking for a dinner which was sitting on top of the microwave. This carer was the aunt of the one I fell out with in the morning. Because I was being viewed as a stingy food thrower-outer, I thought that I'd have a wee bit of a joke with her. I asked her who it was for, and if it was for a resident or carer. She didn't take the joke too well, started shouting at me and told me I had an attitude problem. The I fell out on her. I laughed at her and said, how could I have an attitude problem when I was actually following the rules. I then told her that before she goes about telling other people they have bad attitudes, she should look at her daughter (who works in the kitchen as well (I had previously fallen out with her already after she started slagging me off to other members of the kitchen staff behind my back for no reason whatsoever)).

 

Believe it or not, I still have a job! Unfortunately, so do all of the abouve.