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"If he does attend, it is likely that he will be forced to do so with crutches or a walking stick." If that doesn't work, they might have to try an electric cattle prod.

Hmm, Benny's going to have take one for the team (and Deathlist) then.

Ninth Leaderboard 2018: (*=Joker) 1st: gcreptile: 333 Points [5/25] (Manikan; Olivera; J Cooper; Elvy; Tajima) 2nd: msc - 317 Points [8/25] (*Elias; Cryne; Alcock; Stokes; Miller; Nevin; Lafaye; DeKoven) 3rd: Prophet - 300 Points [4/25] (Graham; Groening; Hawking; Tajima) 4th: NiceGuyEddie - 297 Points [5/25] (Cryne; Olivera; Miller; Shore; Tajima) 5th: Captain Chorizo - 277 Points [7/25] (Monson; Elias; Alcock; Kit; L. Gilbert; Goodwin; Shore) 6th: FujimoriNoMorey - 265 Points [4/25] (Cryne; Miller; Shore; B. Bush) 7th: Death Impends - 262 Points [5/25] (Killen; Kit; Graham; Dorfles; Tajima) =8th: Joey Russ - 212 Points [4/25] (Smith; Olivera; Graham; Tajima) =8th: Whoaml - 212 Points [4/25] (Malone; Graham; Bannister; Lucas) 10th: Toast - 209 Points [4/25] (Elias; Miller; Bannister; B. Bush) 11th: drol - 195 Points [7/25] (Elias; Zarin; Cryne; Alcock; Miller; Tsvangirai; Nevin) 12th: The Dead Cow - 185 Points [3/25] (Sawyer; Lafaye; B. Bush) =13th: John Key - 157 Points [2/25] (Graham; B. Bush) =13th: The Unknown Man - 157 Points [5/25] (Elias; Cryne; Miller; Tsvangirai; Graham) =13th: mr whit - 157 Points [2/25] (Graham; B. Bush) 16th: Grim Up North - 151 Points [5/25] (Elias; Cryne; Alcock; Miller; Goodwin) =17th: Book - 127 Points [2/25] (Le Guin; B. Bush) =17th: the_engineer - 127 Points [4/25] (Falkholt; Sawyer; Miller; Graham) 19th: Widows Peak - 123 Points [2/25] (Graham; Hawking) =20th: Bibliogryphon - 119 Points [2/25] (*Hauxwell; Bannister) =20th: Phantom of the Midway - 119 Points [3/25] (Smith; Tsvangirai; Fabray) 22nd: Fixed Business - 113 Points [3/25] (Monson; Graham; Goodwin) 23rd: Deathray - 106 Points [1/25] (B. Bush) 24th: Grigori: 103 Points [2/25] (Kit; Hawking) 25th: Pedro67 - 72 Points [1/25] (Hawking) 26th: Wormfarmer - 70 Points [2/25] (Sawyer; Nevin) 27th: Sir Creep - 58 Points [3/25] (Elias; Falkholt; Miller) 28th: Sean - 51 Points [1/25] (Graham) 29th: Torva Messor - 3 Points [1/25] (Elias) 30th: YoungWillz - 0 Points [0/25]

Please enjoy this song from Calamity Jane that clearly has no undertones or innuendo whatsoever:

I bought this book years ago because I'm interested in lobotomy

MMMDP Form Guide #30 Tom Lehrer Leading mathematician of his generation who may - just - be more widely remembered as writer/performer of some of the most insanely memorable comedy songs of the 50's and 60's. Either way, we'll find that out when he finally goes and as the picture above makes clear he turned 90 last month.

No one shat in my cornflakes, but if you don't understand how to vote, then you shouldn't be able too. I won't quit my job to become a nursery teacher then! Thanks for the advise.

Congratulations to Gcreptile on his inevitable win, but try not scare Heef away with algrebra requiring points tallies now.

Obviously staged but still clever and funny for all that

Oooo all right mardy ass! Who shit in your cornflakes? You’re obviously good at googling and understanding things a nursery class could understand, and I’m good at drinking and shagging strangers off the Internet! Swings and roundabouts innit

Hey, I’ve never professed to be David fucking Dimbleby

Nurse poses for sexy* selfie while her patient is dying: https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/nurse-who-posed-sexy-selfie-12483936 *your mileage may vary After the selfie she tried to have cocaine delivered to her. Oh, and she doesn't want to return to work and is "in ill health".

Very considerate of him. Unique hit for my #1 Hits Derby Dead Pool team. I was so confused the first time I heard that song and did a Google Image search on him. The dweebiest male vocal in music history was somehow recorded by what looks like a retired 1980s WWE star.

Couldn't agree more. My mate's mum got diagnosed with glio around the same time as McCain/Jowell and she's really putting all of her energy into extending her life. This is a once very strong 40-year-old. She has to choose between destroying her body so she doesn't die, or having a peaceful month and then being bedridden. McCain's twice that age. Of course he doesn't have the same physical strength to endure treatment after treatment. The end result will always be the same. At this stage in the game, the best thing that could happen to him is probably dying now before he has to deal with any more painful shit. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The ConIFA World Cup gets underway in London on 31st May. The tournament is made up of teams not affiliated with FIFA. Northern Cyprus vs Tibet at Enfield's ground looks like the pick of the ties. However I'm rooting for Tuvalu, a nation made up of such narrow atolls that there is only room in the country for one, not entirely flat, football pitch.

At this point, I just wish that he would die peacefully with his family surrounded by him. John McCain has definitely declined recently ever since he “temporarily” left the senate in December, and it sounds like that he’s suffering a great deal right now. While there are many issues I disagree with him on, someone who has served his country for much of his lifetime doesn’t deserve to be in that frail of a state. I don’t think there’s really much he can do at this point, so I hope that he spends his final days with his family and friends so he can see the people he knows once more before he inevitably goes to the grave.

MMMDP Form Guide #29 Kenny Sansom Alcohol and gambling addicted former footballer (he played for England you know!) who's more recent forays into public attention have also involved performances on grass. Improbably Sansom has generally shown less class and more befuddlement than even Gazza during the low points of his life; comatose on park benches and reeling on the ground are both elements in a performance that also includes (as of three years ago) admitting to a tabloid that he felt death preferable to his existence at that point. Whether a crowd pleasing finale is imminent is - however - anyone's guess.

Only in WiFi? Lol, even DL hates spyphones

Abi Ofarim (from the Esther & Abi Ofarim duo) has died aged 80. https://www.express.co.uk/celebrity-news/955204/Abi-Ofarim-dead-death-cause-Esther-Ofarim-Cinderella-Rockefella-songs-age-latest-news

Iso Nakamura, world's '5th oldest living person', is apparently dead. The reason I'm not saying she "has died" is because she seems to have been dead since November 23rd, yet somehow nobody outside her area noticed for 158 days. She's been mentioned here before; if you were thinking of picking her in the future then too bad, she didn't even make the 2018 starting line. It goes without saying she didn't celebrate her 115th birthday, and she was only the 71st oldest ever rather than 45th, and she was the 8th oldest living rather than 5th oldest living. Major cock-up on behalf of the the people supposed to announce her death. Her local death notice in Japanese:

A senior royal source has told how Prince Philip has taken to referring to Meghan as "the Dow". It stands for Duchess of Windsor, the former Wallis Simpson, whose affair with Edward VIII nearly destroyed the Royal Family. https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/952400/lady-Gabriella-ex-boyfriend-kensington-palace-aatish-taseer

Sting and Shaggy's new album. Brilliant. What a match made in heaven. Why didn't they think to pair up before? (Yes, of course that's bollocks.)

Telt yer 98 year old father that......he's 98.....